America's Next Top Model: The Girls Who Crawl

(S09E08) This was the best episode of America's Next Top Model ever and I'm not just saying that because it featured beautiful girls in skin tight body suits who simulated stripper moves against a mirror and crawled seductively on all fours...

Who am I kidding? That is exactly why this was the best episode in the history of the show, and the only thing I find unfortunate is that it took nine and a half cycles to attain this level of perfection.

Between the flesh-toned body suits and the piece-part outfits the models wore during the video shoot, I was actually fearful that my eyes might pop out of their sockets and roll towards the television set just so they could get a better look.

Keep in mind I had to be mindful of my wife who was sitting next to me the entire episode. I'm happy to say she only had to dab drool from the corner of my mouth on one occassion.

That entire intro was tongue in cheek but in all seriousness, that was a ton of skin, cleavage, and sexiness to be displayed on a prime time television show. I loved every awesome minute of it.

Moving right along, what's the deal with Sarah?



Did she really lose a lot of weight or is this photo comparison deceiving due to her having a much shorter hair cut? I don't think she's lost all that much weight over the course of this cycle, but the judges have made a really big deal about it on several different occasions.

Personally, I think the judges are putting way too much emphasis on the issue. I never really ever considered her a plus sized model to begin with nor do I think she's lot as much weight as the judges keep leading on. Maybe they're just looking for a reason to get rid of her. I don't know.

As stated, this entire episode revolved around body movement and sex appeal while being in front of a TV camera.

During this sequence, Tyra name dropped some of the videos she's had to utilize her super sexy moves in. They included the Too Funky video for George Michael and an unnamed Lionel Richie video where she had to do a lot of "slow motion moving sexy." I was surprised Tyra didn't mention the Shake Ya Body video. Oh wait, I just watched it. I'm not surprised at all :)

We were able to watch the girls practice a sexy strut, a stripper like slide down a wall, and a catlike crawl along the floor. The high point of all the manuevers had to be Heather's shimmy down the mirror. She looked pretty good during the sliding process despite the fact she went all zombie on us on her way back up. Tyra thought Heather "looked like she was possessed." This was another one of those laugh out loud moments that makes this show so enjoyable.

One thing I didn't enjoy about this episode was Chantal and her newfound cockiness . She has become way too full of herself and had the nerve to call some of the moves Tyra showed them easy although she didn't perform them all that well. She also said something about being a great dancer and actress. Of course, this didn't turn out to be the case later on in the episode. As always, overconfidence is the downfall of the reality show star.

Tyra seemed to have the same read on Chantal as I did. She made some key observations about a few of the girls and they included:

• Tyra doesn't think Chantal is trying hard enough. She thinks she's only giving it half the effort she could be.
• Tyra thinks Bianca is self conscious and insecure which is a great observation because Bianca is super confrontational with the girls - a key characteristic of insecurity.
• Most amusingly, Tyra thinks Heather has a Tim Burtonesque sexuality. New nickname alert! New nickname alert! Henceforth, Heather will now be known as the "Corpse Bride." It sounds mean but I use the nickname endearingly since I've grown really fond of her these last seven weeks. It was either "Corpse Bride" or "Edward Scissor Hands" so I think I'm letting her off easy.

The other thing I didn't care for this episode? Bianca's blatant jealousy of the Corpse Bride. What in the hell is Bianca's problem? She hates the fact that Tyra and the rest of the girls love Heather. She also really hates the fact that Tyra loves everything the Corpse Bride does.

How crappy is it to criticize someone for being naturally talented at something? Bianca was getting better ever since she turned the dial down on her bitchometer, but she cranked it back up to 100 with those comments. I'm so ready for her to leave.

Instead of the usual photoshoot, the girls got to be in a video for Enrique Iglesias for his song Tired of Being Sorry. Enrique hand picked Lisa to get a more prominent scene in the video with him. The producers also ended up liking the Corpse Bride so much that they decided to feature her in a scene with Enrique as well.

Most of the girls seemed to take Tyra's advice early in the show to heart. Lisa, Heather (yeah, I can't keep the Corpse Bride thing up), Ambreal, Bianca, and Saleisha all did a stellar job in their scenes. Jenah and Sarah didn't do quite as well, but still looked pretty hot. Chantal was a veritable disaster. She looked like someone slipped a roofie and propped her against a concrete pillar. She was lifeless, her eyes were dead, and the acting/dancing skills she played-up earlier in the episode were about on par with what you'd see in a sixth grade talent show. It was pretty terrible.

Finally, at the end of the video shoot, Heather passed out and needed medical attention for exhaustion and fatigue.

We didn't get to see the following monologue by Tyra:

Tyra: Heather, I really liked the way you worked that Oxygen mask after you passed out. The paleness in your face - the way your eyes rolled back - you really owned the situation. It was some of the best work I've seen in this industry yet. You were born to do this. A true natural.

Followed by a reaction shot from Bianca:

Bianca: [Head explodes]

This week's order:

Lisa, Heather, Saleisha, Bianca, Ambreal, Jenah

That left Chantal and Sarah with the latter failing to make the cut. No surprises there. The judges have been gunning for Sarah for a while now.

Very quickly, I was glad that Ebony decided to make Top Model history last week and leave. Some may think she took the easy way out. I think she should be commended. It took a lot of guts for her to try something as difficult as this competition. It took an equal amount to realize she wasn't cut out for it.

Be sure to check out the portfolio gallery if you'd like to see what the girls have looked like this season. The gallery will be updated weekly for the remainder of the season.