If I were to apply to be on The Amazing Race

Now, keep in mind, this is if I were to apply to be on the The Amazing Race. I'm not saying I did it, nor am I even saying I plan to apply.

If I were to apply to be on any reality show, this would be the one. If I were on Big Brother, I'd probably hide from my whacko housemates. If I were on a dating show, I'd be the first dumped. If I were on a cooking show, they would probably make me eat foods I don't like and I'd leave in tears while gagging. Ah, but The Amazing Race?

Not that I'm applying, but I checked out the 13 page application as casting is on for the next season of the Emmy-winning reality series.

Of course, I won't go through all of the questions on the application, but some are definitely worth highlighting with my alleged responses if I were to apply. They ask the usual questions about work backgrounds, criminal backgrounds, health, and such. Then they ask some more interesting things:

What famous person reminds you of yourself?
I never thought about that. No one really. Maybe some leggy supermodel? I'm not submitting a photo, so let's just go with that.

What scares you most about traveling?
Getting stuck in the bathroom necessitating an emergency services rescue.

What is your opinion of foreigners?
Well, gee. If I'm traveling in a foreign country, wouldn't I be the foreigner? If they're talking about foreigners here in the USA, I don't have an all-encompassing view of foreigners. I like some folks, I don't like others. It has more to do with whether people are nice or ax murderers.

Are there any locations in the world to which you would absolutely not travel? Why?
I'd prefer not to go into any war zones, thank you. My health insurance doesn't cover injuries or death in areas of war, declared or undeclared.

What part of the world is the least interesting to you and why?
Huge barren deserts. They're fine for an hour or two, but then you've seen all they have to offer and you're suffering from the heat. Maybe the mirages as you go delirious might be interesting.

If given the choice, would you rather compete with 10 other people for $1,000,000 or split the million and give everyone $100,000 each? Why?
What? You want me to share? No way! If I'm racing for a million, I want that million! Why? Because I'm a greedy so-and-so.

List three adjectives which describe you:
I think some reality show contestants might have trouble knowing what an adjective is. Oh, mine? Well, I'm not perky, for sure. Nor am I bubbly. Hmmm ... surly, grouchy, and persnickity probably won't cut it, eh?

What accomplishment are you most proud of?
Why, my TV Squad gig, of course!

Have you been on television before? If so, when and in what show(s)?
I was on the Freddie Freihofer Show when I was three years old. Does that count?

Have you ever appeared in a publicly released film or video of any sort?
I suppose the internet is included in this. No, that wasn't me. My body just doesn't bend that way.

What is/was the most exciting moment of your life?
The first time I ski raced when I was a novice skier. It was an Olympic year (no, I wasn't an Olympic skier) and they blasted the theme from the Olympics just as I hit the gate to go downhill. I crashed and burned shy of the finish for my DNF, but the moment was at the top. Thinking back, it still gives me an adrenalin rush.

Have you ever been on a dating or reality show?
No, no, a thousand times, no! This application is just an IF!

What are your phobias?
Humiliating myself in front of the vast television audience; being talked about in snarky articles and posts on internet message boards.

How do you blow off steam?
I kick puppies and steal candy from small children.

What is your favorite topic of conversation at a dinner party?
David Letterman. Oh, wait ... I meant The Amazing Race!

Maybe I'd do better if I were to apply for Jeopardy or if I can find the Cash Cab roaming the streets of Manhattan. And, no. I don't kick puppies or steal candy from small children. Not often, anyway.