(S01E02) After the dreadful auditions and so-so performance last week, I was not too sure about Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann. Would it actually be entertaining this week or would it be just one big simmering pot of stinky mediocrity? It was, unfortunately for audiences, the latter. The performances were good at times but mostly crappy. (It's television, not the high school talent show.) The costumes were hokey. The whole schoolyard dodgeball-esque picking of teams could have been way more suspenseful.

My thoughts about Dance War and my critiques of the performances after the jump. (I decided to do my own critiques since Bruno and Carrie Ann's commentary was a total lovefest. Do they take drugs before the show?)

I'm not reviewing all the performances. That would be way too much cattiness for you to read and way too much heartburn for me (have I mentioned that this show makes my acid-reflux flare up?). So, feel free to leave some of your critiques in the comments.

The performances I thought were especially craptastic (Yep, I made up a word to describe them):

"Survivor," performed by Corina, Alyssa, and Charity. These girls were singing for their life but...I have to stop here. I can't even explain how bad they were.

All seven guys Four guys performed "Larger Than Life." When they sang as a group, they were okay. I mean how couldn't they be. It's a Backstreet Boys song. However, the solos were another story. They need to sing louder. Maybe Drew can teach them how to sing boy band songs. Also, they were together when they danced but no one really caught my eye.

And then there was "Bad Girls" (an appropriate title for this performance I think). The beginning was cool with all the girls behind those panels but it went downhill quickly from there. The girls sounded nervous when they performed their solos. The one time that the girls danced some more technical moves was disappointing too. They had to do a pirouette into a fouette and then I saw a battement (a kick) into a small layout. And all of them were forgettable. I felt like I was watching a pep rally. Those costumes were horrendous too. That's not the girls fault though. Those little sequined dresses made their legs look chunky. And it's hard to make Kelsey's or Charity's legs look big.

The performances I liked or the performance that weren't painful:

Three of the guys (Zach, Phillip and Tony) sang "Hard to Handle." All the solos were pretty good but when they sang together they all tried to outshine each other. If all of you riff at the same time, there's no one left to carry the original melody. That should have been worked out in rehearsal. Also, enough with the head bobbing. And Phillip, enough with the raising your arms like you're some boy bander greeting your tween minions. And no more grinding on Carrie Ann. That's just gross. Have some self-respect.

Mariel, Lacey and Elizabeth performed "Lady Marmalade." While the dancing really wasn't there, the singing was pretty good. Each soloist belted her part and put her own style on it. Of course, Lacey stood out like she did last week. Mariel was good too but I'm not as impressed with her as I am with Lacey. Don't get me wrong. She sings well but I think it's more that she's tiny and doesn't look like she'd have such a booming voice. Elizabeth is very accessible and sincere on stage. She held her own with two people who could out-sing her. (And wasn't Bruno creepy when Elizabeth sang to him. Ick.)

One critique for these three ladies though--these girls need to learn how to walk in heels on stage. When they walked together for the end, a great performance was slightly diminished by how unpolished they looked. I know they aren't professionals but step it up. You're on primetime television.

Some final thoughts (again, please leave yours in the comments):

• This show does NOT have to be two hours 1.5 hours long. That's 1.5 hours of my life I can't get back.
  
• The girls need to learn how to stand while they are being judged. Most of the girls are attractive and the way they stand just doesn't do them justice. You're still in a costume. Don't stand like you're in jeans and a sweater.
  
• Who does the sound for this show? All I heard are little tweens screaming. I wish I could hear the background music better. If these people were actually talented, you really wouldn't it know because someone misplaced a few mics in the audience.
  
• Bruno's Team: Phillip, Charity, Zach, Tony, Lacey, and Kelsey
  
• Carrie Ann's Team: Mariel, Elizabeth, Bradley, Chris, Qis, and Alyssa
• Here's my team (not that you asked): Lacey, Zach, Elizabeth, Kelsey, Alyssa, and Tony
• Drew Lachey is the best part of this show. He's personable and fun and not a total a-hole like Seacrest. (Oh, and did you catch the slip? "How can these sex...six performers win you over?")
• Please let the writer's strike be over soon.