Super Skank Wednesday: How to impress Bret Michaels
SSW is a celebration of the many life lessons we can learn from VH1's raunchiest characters. I'll put together lists, Vs. articles, spotlight a special skank or two, and maybe even throw in a pop quiz for you adoring VH1 fans. For the next few weeks, I'll focus mostly on Rock of Love 2, on the darling bachelor Bret Michaels and his crew of devout skanks.
My first article, How to Impress Bret MIchaels: The Dos and Don'ts of a Rock of Love 2 Talent Show, is after the jump. I threw in some "Bret-isms" at the bottom too. Some nuggets of wisdom from the man himself, if you will.
"What I think she said is we're doing a talent show. Great." --Niki
1. Do be patriotic. Megan who you may recognize from Beauty and the Geek (more on this soon) put three different-colored thongs in a magic hat and pulled out an American flag. Megan is clearly a thong wizard and very proud to an American.
2. Do rock out on a guitar and pretend to be angry. Peyton sang a raspy Melissa Etheridge-esque song as she ferociously strummed her acoutsic guitar. Bret enjoyed this as it appealed to his own rocker sentiments.
3. Don't play an instrument you don't know how to play. Aubry played the drums. Actually, the drums played her. It was sad. I was sad. Bret was sad too. I could tell.
4. Do show him you know how to do chores. Kristy Joe ironed while wearing lingerie. Bret is a simple man. He likes lingerie and crisp shirts.
5. Don't read a poem. Niki made up a crappy poem but Bret likes rocking out and risque clothes, not rhyming couplets.
6. Don't do bellydancing without showing your belly. Sara, who also bragged that she was on the show for a dare, decided that during the peep show was a good time to try belly dancing. BU-BYE, Sara.
7. Don't spell things incorrectly. Korie who should go get her G.E.D. after the show, wrote "Merry Me" on a giant piece of paper. So, you're your talent is misspelling words? Not sure. Bret is a simple man but he's not a complete moron. Give the guy a little credit.
8. Do wrap yourself in paper...and, more importantly, UNWRAP yourself. Bret like-eey. I thought it was dumb but I'm not Bret Michaels.
9. Do lick chocolate off your boobs. Angelique, that trainwreck from France (or Le Trainwreck, perhaps?) showed her naked boobies to Bret and then proceeded to lick chocolate (from a mousse that she made herself) off of them.
10. Really, I mean it. Don't read a poem. I don't even know if anyone else did this but let's pretend like Roxy read a poem just so I can reiterate that Bret is NOT a fan of the written word. That would require way too much listening comprehension on his part. Poems = headache.
11. Do perform tongue tricks like tying a cherry stem in a knot. Inna, who is quite possibly the largest skank in the house, kept it simple for her man Bret.
And finally, my favorite Bret-isms of the night:
"You know I'm starting to get concerned that maybe I have a crop of bad girls here." --Bret on the season 2 cast.
"I'm addicted. I don't care. I don't want rehab." Bret on the extremely skankalicious Daisy.
"I'm looking for a woman I can connect with spiritually. And any woman willing to lick chocolate off of her own breasts--that's a spiritual connection that you can't deny." --Bret on Angelique's performance in the peep show.
"I see a tongue darting out of her mouth. It's coming at me. It's large and fighting to get into my mouth like a serpent. That tongue had made its way all the way down my throat into my belly and tasted last night's supper." --Bret on "French" kissing.