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Super Skank Wednesday: How to impress Bret Michaels

by Kristin Sample, posted Jan 23rd 2008 12:21PM
Bret the Man MichaelsWelcome to Super Skank Wednesday. This is where I celebrate the skanky people on the following shows: Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, I Love New York (or whatever show Tiffany Pollard is making next), The Surreal Life and Charm School. Basically, I'll talk about the shows that make VH1 the network it is today.

SSW is a celebration of the many life lessons we can learn from VH1's raunchiest characters. I'll put together lists, Vs. articles, spotlight a special skank or two, and maybe even throw in a pop quiz for you adoring VH1 fans. For the next few weeks, I'll focus mostly on Rock of Love 2, on the darling bachelor Bret Michaels and his crew of devout skanks.

My first article, How to Impress Bret MIchaels: The Dos and Don'ts of a Rock of Love 2 Talent Show, is after the jump. I threw in some "Bret-isms" at the bottom too. Some nuggets of wisdom from the man himself, if you will.

"What I think she said is we're doing a talent show. Great." --Niki

1. Do be patriotic. Megan who you may recognize from Beauty and the Geek (more on this soon) put three different-colored thongs in a magic hat and pulled out an American flag. Megan is clearly a thong wizard and very proud to an American.
2. Do rock out on a guitar and pretend to be angry. Peyton sang a raspy Melissa Etheridge-esque song as she ferociously strummed her acoutsic guitar. Bret enjoyed this as it appealed to his own rocker sentiments.
3. Don't play an instrument you don't know how to play. Aubry played the drums. Actually, the drums played her. It was sad. I was sad. Bret was sad too. I could tell.
4. Do show him you know how to do chores. Kristy Joe ironed while wearing lingerie. Bret is a simple man. He likes lingerie and crisp shirts.
5. Don't read a poem. Niki made up a crappy poem but Bret likes rocking out and risque clothes, not rhyming couplets.
6. Don't do bellydancing without showing your belly. Sara, who also bragged that she was on the show for a dare, decided that during the peep show was a good time to try belly dancing. BU-BYE, Sara.
7. Don't spell things incorrectly. Korie who should go get her G.E.D. after the show, wrote "Merry Me" on a giant piece of paper. So, you're your talent is misspelling words? Not sure. Bret is a simple man but he's not a complete moron. Give the guy a little credit.
8. Do wrap yourself in paper...and, more importantly, UNWRAP yourself. Bret like-eey. I thought it was dumb but I'm not Bret Michaels.
9. Do lick chocolate off your boobs. Angelique, that trainwreck from France (or Le Trainwreck, perhaps?) showed her naked boobies to Bret and then proceeded to lick chocolate (from a mousse that she made herself) off of them.
10. Really, I mean it. Don't read a poem. I don't even know if anyone else did this but let's pretend like Roxy read a poem just so I can reiterate that Bret is NOT a fan of the written word. That would require way too much listening comprehension on his part. Poems = headache.
11. Do perform tongue tricks like tying a cherry stem in a knot. Inna, who is quite possibly the largest skank in the house, kept it simple for her man Bret.

And finally, my favorite Bret-isms of the night:

"You know I'm starting to get concerned that maybe I have a crop of bad girls here." --Bret on the season 2 cast.

"I'm addicted. I don't care. I don't want rehab." Bret on the extremely skankalicious Daisy.

"I'm looking for a woman I can connect with spiritually. And any woman willing to lick chocolate off of her own breasts--that's a spiritual connection that you can't deny." --Bret on Angelique's performance in the peep show.

"I see a tongue darting out of her mouth. It's coming at me. It's large and fighting to get into my mouth like a serpent. That tongue had made its way all the way down my throat into my belly and tasted last night's supper." --Bret on "French" kissing.

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Harley48

This is about Bret Micheals,
and all the girls he has on his show they are sl....ts
he needs to find good but nasty lady's.

most of the show makes me sick.

Harley48.

March 12 2008 at 4:00 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kristin Sample

@ Reb: That is truly going to be awesome. And that *might* mean that the third installment of CS will feature the Rock of Love girls.

@boomfoxx: I have to check that show out.

January 26 2008 at 1:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
rebecca

I just read that the next edition of Charm School is going to feature the men of I Love NY.

Oh, I just cannot wait!!!

January 26 2008 at 1:18 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
daniel

once, i watched 15 minutes of bret "oink" michaels' show and had to wash my mind out with soap. how can a guy, who looks so much like a girl in his promo pics, end up being such a pig. he is an embarassment to guys everywhere. as for the girls, if you can't say something good...

January 24 2008 at 9:52 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Boomfoxx

To truely celebrate Skanks you should also include talk of the Bad Girls Club. Those "ladies" are the most disgusting bunch I've ever seen (although I don't watch much VH1).

January 24 2008 at 7:59 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kristin Sample

@ Kate: Oh My God! I totally did use the wrong "you're / your"!!! Do you know how many times I reread that portion of the list to make sure I didn't spell anything wrong? I was like, I know screwed up something here. And I'm going to look like an idiot because this paragraph is all about spelling.

So, howsabout wee just pretend likes I know how spell wurds corectlee?

January 23 2008 at 4:43 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kate

Love this article, but did you mean to misspell the word "your" in the section about spelling words incorrectly? You used the word "you're" instead of your.

January 23 2008 at 4:36 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kristin Sample

@ Reb: I, too, really enjoy Angelique's subtitles!

@ Pete: Yes, RofL (and other VH1 skank programming) is certainly my guilty pleasure too. As you can see, I'm a not-so-closeted fan of the Bret and his ladies.

January 23 2008 at 3:37 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Pete

Ha! Good stuff. My wife and I find this show to be our "guilty pleasure" we know it is totally brainless, bad, terrible to women and Brett Michaels is as nasty as they come ... but we can't get enough. We look forward to every Sunday to watch.

January 23 2008 at 2:08 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
rebecca

Oh, hooray!!!

Thank you for doing this, Kristin.

Best part of ROL2: The subtitles with a French accent for Angelique (who, imho, looks rather like Daisy).

January 23 2008 at 1:35 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
2 replies to rebecca's comment
Akbar Fazil

The phonetic subtitles aren't new. They did them last year for Tiffany (and another IIRC)

January 23 2008 at 2:06 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
iamhoff

Yeah, the subtitles are classic! My GF has just dragged me so deep into these shows I don't know if I can actually shower the filth and stupidity off of me. They're all such trainwrecks, you can't look away. ROL, Tila Tequila's shot of (bisexual) love on MTV, My Fair Brady, Scott Baio, Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Rehab (what, no Brit or Lindsay?), and the list goes on and on. Please God please end the writers' strike soon!

January 23 2008 at 5:11 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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