American Idol: "Best of the Rest" Auditions

(S07E08) Simon: "It ended for me when the weird strip tease started."

"The Best of the Rest," or as I like to call it "The Filler Episode." Even Idol knows that we're ready for Hollywood week because they open the episode by telling us Hollywood is next week. It's their little way of saying, "Look, we get it. You're done with this crap. You're ready for the next round. But that's too bad because here's more first round auditions. Deal with it!"

But by the end, they're giving us a sneak peek of "Hollywood Week" and I'm excited all over again. Based just on who we've seen get through so far, I agree that talent-wise this season may have more depth than almost any season before it. Once we get into the actual competition, and word starts to get around about how good some of these performers are, I expect ratings to jump back up to Season 5 levels. We're one week away from unveiling the Top 24. But first ...

The Judges always talk about the "WOW!" factor. Some unquantifiable quality that separates one contestant from all the others. Kelly Clarkson had it. Fantasia had it. When they were on-screen you found yourself mesmerized by their presence. So tonight I'm gonna look at some of the other "factors" that make up the American Idol experience.

THE "WHY ARE YOU ON MY TV?" FACTOR
Joshua "Jay Smoove" Moreland, 25, West Palm Beach, FL - "Beautiful Lady," Jay Smoove
Joshua thinks he has the "WOW!" factor. See, he has this cool name he gave himself, "Jay Smoove" and he's an R&B recording artist, though I'm not sure if hitting "Record" on your tape recorder and singing into it really qualifies but we'll make an exception because he's so "Smoove." He wears massive '80s sunglasses and somehow manages to manages to never fully close his mouth when he talks. He threw a handful of glitter on the ground during his performance, so not only did we get to waste time hearing about how all the record companies are going to want to sign him and how great he is with the ladies, we then got to watch Simon and Ryan harass the poor intern (I don't know if she's really an intern but the story works better if she is, so just go with it!) over who's going to sweep up Moreland's mess. As for the performance itself, he did all the vocal gymnastics that an R. Kelly or an Usher does, only he had no control of any of it. I don't know exactly how long this audition was but it felt like half of the show.

Chris & Cory Lane, 22, Kernersville, NC - [Original composition]
Ashley Lawing, 19, Maiden, NC - "Red High Heels," Kellie Pickler (maybe)
And if Smoove was half, then the Three's Company trio was the other half. What a waste of time. Basically, identical twins Chris & Corey "share a girlfriend, basically." But not really. Maybe they want to? What happened was Ashley dated Chris first, then Corey started calling her behind Chris' back and now she's been with Corey a year. The end result of this is that I'm pissed off and blame FOX for the fact that I now know this. I don't care about this crap. The twins came in and one did sound-effect backing music and the other couldn't remember the words of their rap, so that was a waste of time. Then Ashley brought in a six-week-old Pomeranian puppy. When Simon said he was going to steal it, Ashley told him: "As long as you put me through to Hollywood, you can have whatever you want." But she's even worse than the twins. Come to find out, the twins know she's terrible but told her she wasn't so she'd come audition. So they're asses, too. Wow, good times. Thanks for that, Idol. I checked with Tiffany McCambell (below), since she has a direct line to God and all, and I can't get that time back.

THE "IT'S A NO" FACTOR
Tiffany McCambell, 21, Anderson, IN - "Hallelujah"
This is more how you should do it. Short and sweet when they're painfully bad. Tiffany says her voice is a gift from God. "God gave me this gift of singing." What this tells me, then, is that God is into gag gifts. She screamed Hallelujah over and over again and sounded more like an evangelical caught up in "the spirit," then someone trying to actually sing.

Luke Reeder, 26, Hollywood, FL - "Faith," George Michael (as covered by Limp Bizkit)
Hey, we saw this guy earlier this year yelling "I'm the next American Idol." Way to recycle footage, Idol. Now we got to hear him sing. The good news is that he sang that about as well as Fred Durst, but that means he's nowhere near good enough for this show. Or even a bad karaoke show. Maybe Cops. When he gets busted, Tiffany could play his victim and yell out "Hallelujah!" over and over again. Cops: American Idol. It's going to happen.

Victor Villegas, 18, Grand Prairie, TX - "If I Ever Fall in Love," Shai
He sounded "like a sheep, or an animal."

Brandi Gregorie, 27, McClellanville, SC - "L-O-V-E," Natalie Cole
Simon: "It ended for me when the weird strip tease started, and then the terrible singing."

Charles Randy Leviner, 17, Laurel Hill, NC - "Come What(ever) May," Stone Sour
He dropped curse words into his song but sang those words just as terribly as the clean ones. Simon told him "when we decide to put this show out at three in the morning..." but can't finish it because even then, there's no way in hell Charles Randy Leviner would be on the show.

THE "NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR SIMON" FACTOR
Cardin Lee McKinney, 20, Nashville, TN - "One Night Only," Dreamgirls
Our first Idol was a waitress, so Cardin's hoping to keep the tradition going. She's a fondue waitress with a very big voice. Simon told her: "You come over as a very theatrical singer. I don't think your a contemporary recording artist." This seemed to be a theme of a lot of the auditions we saw tonight, with Simon thinking they're not good enough or wrong in some way, only to have Randy and Paula put them through anyway.

JoAnne Borgella, 25, Hoboken, NJ - "I Love You," Celine Dion
For example, I hate to have to say it, but Plus-Size model JoAnne has a big old voice. She revealed that she'd been told all her life she had an amazing voice but needed to lose 30 or 40 pounds. She's proud of the way she looks, though. She's already sang the national anthem at Madison Square Garden so somebody likes her enough. So she takes on one of the biggies and damn if she doesn't have a Celine Dion power voice. But Simon's not feeling it. Maybe he was just crabby that day.

A montage about how Simon can't pronounce names led us to:
Chikezie Eze, 22, Inglewood, CA - 'All the Woman I Need," Luther Vandross
He didn't make it last year but comes with a very mature and great vocal quality this year. Simon thought his voice wasn't special enough, but Randy and Paula put him through any way. And his name's fun to say.

THE "I DON'T SEE IT" FACTOR
Alesha Stelzl, 18, Ontario, CA - "Surrender," Celine Dion
Singing since she was eight, Alesha sounded like a helium-filled cartoon character. Randy and Paula think it was the wrong kind of song for her and come up with Dolly Parton as an artist she could probably do. She didn't know any so they told her to go learn one and come back and sing that. So she went off and learned "Islands in the Stream." She still a weird sound to her voice, but the song fits much better. Paula and Randy like a tone that they're hearing that isn't coming out of my TV set. Simon sits this one out as he'd rejected her based on her weird Celine Dion song, so Randy and Paula put her through, telling her to prepare more material. Simon said that all she needed to do was learn more Dolly Parton songs, apparently. "I hate to admit it," he said after Alesha left the second time, "but you were right. I was really disappointed."

THE "GOOD ENOUGH" FACTOR
Amy Davis, 25, Lowell, IN - "Blue Bayou," Linda Ronstadt
Her mom was a single parent with six kids, so she grew up poor. Not sure why we need to know this, but we also learn she's a quarter Japanese. This comes through when Paula asks her ethnicity because she thinks she's pretty. I see a prettier Tia Carrere. Vocally, her voice is nice but I'm not blown away. The judges agree but see enough potential in her, if she can shake the nerves, to put her through "as long as she promises to work hard." I wonder if anyone's told them, "Hell no, I'm not going to work hard," and then not gotten through because of that...I need to stop over-thinking things

THE "TOP 24 MATERIAL" FACTOR
Danny Noriega, 17, Azusa, CA - "Proud Mary," Creedence Clearwater Revival
Sure there were others tonight who could make the "Top 24" but without seeing all the other contestants who go to Hollywood it's hard to pinpoint who's just that good. Except for this guy. I remember Danny from when his nerve destroyed him last season. So he went off and gained a year of experience (which in teenage years is like five adult years) and came back. He over-performs the song a bit with his body language but his tiny little frame holds a commanding and amazing instrument. He's like Clay Aiken less awkward looking. Even the judges all agreed and put him through.

We wrapped tonight with a look back at the first round of auditions to remember the best (and worst) of Season 7 so far. The montage of images was set to Graham Colton's "Best Days." This is what Idol does well. The juxtaposition of the song and the images creates a manufactured wave of emotion and excitement. "Yes, Idol. I am your bitch."

Then we cut to Ryan at the theater where the Hollywood round took place. Only 164 contestants made it there. "This year it's all about the music," he told us. Some contestants get to play instruments and show more musicality than in years past. And that's all it took. I'm hooked, excited and ready for next week and the rest of the season now!