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October 13, 2015

America's Next Top Model: Where's the Beef?

by JJ Hawkins, posted Mar 12th 2008 11:24PM
Amis is a cutie.

I have a confession to make. I've developed a bit of a crush on Amis.

It's not the psychotic plant-a-GPS-transponder-on-her-car-and-stalk-her crush that you might see on an episode of Dateline or anything. I've simply grown fond of her goofy personality.She's got a real every-girl appeal about her and she's not the typical kind of model that you see coming on this show. I find her pretty refreshing. If Amis were to read this, I'm sure she'd find what I wrote slightly disturbing.

Disturbing because even I think it's a little creepy to see some blogger say that he has a crush on someone he doesn't know. (It's not really a crush, I just typed that for dramatic effect).

Mostly, she'd be disturbed because my saying these nice things about her have all but guaranteed that she won't be around much longer. Anybody I've ever rooted for on this show and any other reality show is destined to lose. It's a scientific constant. You'll see what I mean here in just bit. I really should have just kept my mouth shut.

This week, the girls found themselves in a firehouse where Miss J told the girls they had 90 seconds to get dressed in some fireman gear and walk the runway in front of a bunch of excited firemen who wanted to "sop them up with a biscuit."

Dom struts her stuff.

Didn't we already do runway critiquing this season? How many times can Miss J make fun of the way the girls walk? I think it's about time he moved on to more pressing issues like how much Dominique's operation cost her. These are the things the fans want to know about, are they not?

Outside of J telling Fatima that she stomped like a Clydesdale and him saying a quick prayer before Lauren did her walk, it was pretty much the same sequence we watched a few episodes ago.

Oh yeah, then Amis became the first girl in Top Model history to do a jolly little hop during her runway walk. This girl is absolutely out of her mind and I love it.

Later on, it was revealed that Aimee has a major issue being naked in front of the rest of the girls. Aimee is seriously in the wrong industry if she's apprehensive about being naked in front of strangers, don't you think?

From what I know of the fashion industry, the backstage of modeling shows are practically boob factories with all the clothing changes going on. Shyness isn't exactly an attribute models are known for. I think it's about time Aimee pulled a Kimberly. I think she's wanting to get into the wrong profession but just doesn't want to admit it.

Tonight, the girls got the opportunity to dress up in some Tuleh Design clothing for a Tuleh fashion show.

The Cha Cha Diva is back.

Tonight also brought the original Cha Cha Diva back to to the show, which caused Amis to describe Jaslene as a "big old, beautiful, doe-eyed yummy little Latino sandwich." Nonsensical, but priceless.

The winner of the Tuleh fashion show would appear in Seventeen Magazine with Jaslene. The catch? The girls had three minutes to get dressed by themselves. If they weren't dressed and ready to go when it was their turn to take the stage, the show would go on without them and they'd be eliminated.

During the contest, Whitney added some validity to my "boob factory" comment from above when she walked the entire length of the runway with her left member partially exposed. Thankfully, Whitney played it cool and didn't look down at it. Had this happened to Aimee I'm pretty sure she would have just broken down and started crying on the spot.

Other highlights:

- Lauren practically sprinted down the runway. I halfway expected her to hand a baton to the model she passed on the runway. It was like she was running the third leg of the 4 X 100 relay. Truly bizarre.
- Fatima pretty much sprinted down the runway as well. She also misaligned the buttons on her outfit. She looked like she got dressed in the dark.
- Finally, Amis did not skip down the runway. I was really hoping she would. She's crazy, but not that crazy.

The winner of the competition was Katarzyna and she was allowed to pick two friends to be in the photo with her. She selected Amis and Marvita and here was the resulting ad:

The Lot 29 Ad.

Tonight's photo shoot was interesting to say the least. The girls were placed inside of a meat locker and had to drape various cuts of beef around their body as accessories to their clothing. In addition, sometimes the meat was actually the clothing as seen in the beef bikini bottom worn by Claire below.

Claire covered in meat.

In all honesty, I really have no idea how to comment on this segment. I can't quite decided if this mades me nauseas, hungry, or a little bit turned on. It's probably a combination of all three and that mostly just disturbs me.

I guess all of the girls did a pretty good job considering there were covered with bovine flesh. I just hope they sprayed some sanitizer over their bodies when this was over because the bacteria count was probably off the charts.

The order of the photos:


Like I said, my endorsing anyone on this show is pretty much the kiss of death. It came down to Fatima and Amis and my little crazy darling got the boot. I wasn't expecting that, but as I've proven over and over again in these reviews, I generally have no clue what I'm talking about.

I think my strategy going forward will be to root for the girl I like the least. From this point forward, I'm all about Dominique and/or Fatima making it to the finals. They truly are the best girls in this competition (wink, wink).

Best photo of the night?
Stacy-Ann5 (2.0%)
Whitney50 (20.0%)
Aimee3 (1.2%)
Katarzyna18 (7.2%)
Fatima3 (1.2%)
Anya18 (7.2%)
Claire30 (12.0%)
Dominique5 (2.0%)
Lauren104 (41.6%)
Amis11 (4.4%)
Marvita3 (1.2%)

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I have so many recordings of random previous seasons so I'm not sure which season I am commenting on, but I was soooooo disgusted at the judges comments towards Brit or Brittany who had memory loss due to getting hit by a car affecting a part of her brain. Though I do agree that people can't favor her, I cannot believe how heartless the judges were even though they claim they have hearts. Telling this girl she needs to find a way to make it work is bull-until they go to medical school , half-witted former models and whoever else is on the panel have NO RIGHT to say that-you cannot always teach yourself things to make such a tragic injury not affect you. Damn, it's not like she was emotional b/c of a beak up with her boyfriend. Someone should tell these worthless judges that the fashion industry has no importance in life in the big picture and health comes first, NOT MAKEUP AND STUPID POSES! So so pathetic

April 03 2008 at 11:48 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Sorry, JJ. Didn't meant to gross you out. :)
Fatima just inspires the most vile thoughts in me. I'm glad I made your day, though.

March 13 2008 at 2:02 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Dominique's presence may seem inexplicable now, but it'll make sense this summer when Vin Diesel's new comedy "Mr. Supermodel" tops the box office charts for eight straight weeks. A friend of mine edits movie trailers and I saw the rough cut last night -- there's even a bit where the announcer says "You've never seen Vin like THIS" -- cue Dominique's "all this" gesture -- "before." You wonder why Kimberly bailed? She walked in on Dominique in the shower and agreed to bail in exchange for a five-line part in the movie.

Also, a (different) friend of mine who worked on the show says there's drama coming up with Katarzyna -- she seems like a shoo-in for the win until she finally snaps, pulls a gun on the judging panel and forces each of them to pronounce her name correctly.

March 13 2008 at 1:57 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
JJ Hawkins

I hope it doesn't have the opposite effect otherwise I'm not watching this show ever again.

March 13 2008 at 11:10 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I HATE Fatima. She had the balls to say that Whitney likes to start things up!

Also, did you see how in the beginning of the episode she kept calling Amis stupid (because she was goofing around) and rocking in her seat like she had a yeast infection?

Sense of entitlement much? Smug bitch is right on the money.

March 13 2008 at 11:02 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to SpaceVenus's comment
JJ Hawkins

And the most awesome comment of the day goes to SpaceVenus for the yeast infection comment. Wonderful imagery. Thank you :)

March 13 2008 at 11:07 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I was sad to see Amis go - I loved her personality and she has a great voice. Very nice, smooth tone to it. I was immediately drawn to her on the first episode just by hearing her voice. I was doing dishes at the time and stopped to check out the voice - wow, she was even nice to look at. She had too much quirk to her. Not aware of what do do with her body and face for the shoots. Damn!

I don't get Dominique at all. She is not pretty, looks very, very old and I can say is ugly when she smiles - all those wrinkles. I thought smiles were suppose to make people look prettier.

Fatima, total smug bitch. Can't stand her and I am so glad she sucks. Can't wait until she gets the boot! Oh, her walk is as horrible as Lauren's, but Lauren is lovable.

I love Lauren but her walk is truly awful. I hope she loosens up because I like her a lot.

I love Claire even after telling the judges she is drinking her breast milk. I also love Whitney. These are the two I want to see in the final episode.

The rest just aren't memorable.

March 13 2008 at 10:12 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Hot Chick

Total waste of time. By far one of the worst episodes ever.

Pointless walking contests with no end. Miss J took the firemen off the set never to return with anything.

The meat modeling...WTF??? I am a loss for words at how stupid that photo shoot was. It was ridiculous-"This is how you will feel sometimes when modeling". Thanks Tyra for that one.

The same bitchy girls doing the same bitch things to each other.

The fact that Dominque is still or ever was in this season is beyond comprehension. She is the most ugly/man/tranie I have ever seen. What the do they see in her? The hair...oh my gosh, the hair. What person told her to wear it like that?? Snatch Tyras tired wig off her and put it on Dominque.

March 13 2008 at 8:59 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

What Jaslene said to Lauren was harsh. She doesn't know the girls at all so it's unfair to make that kind of judgment.

And Michael, if that was a spoiler then you are a bastard.

March 13 2008 at 2:38 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
3 replies to Bach's comment

I have a feeling Katarzyna is going to dominate the next four or five weeks, and then get unceremoniously kicked out in the final 5, while Lauren wins it all.

Just a hunch.

March 13 2008 at 1:05 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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