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October 9, 2015

Super Skank Wednesday: Kristy Jo's demise & What Flav looks for in a skank

by Kristin Sample, posted Mar 19th 2008 10:24AM
Flav's ready to celebrate the skanks. Welcome to Super Skank Wednesday. This is where I celebrate the awesomely skanky people on the following shows: Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, I Love New York (or whatever show Tiffany Pollard is making next), The Surreal Life, and Charm School. Basically, I'll discuss the skankalicious shows that make VH1 the network it is today.

After the jump... The Lamentable Demise of Kristy Jo, A Well-Rounded Woman: What Flav Looks for in a Skank, and this week's quotations, A Word from the Skanks.

Let's party like it's Wednesday! Super SKANK Wednesday, that is!

Kristy JoThe Lamentable Demise of Kristy Jo

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. I can't even organize my thoughts enough to wrap my mind around Kristy Jo's rise and fall in Bret's mansion.

I know, let's use "strikes" to plot out her demise. The baseball terminology is easy to understand.

Strike One: She's been married twice and is still married to her second husband (a husband who she met practically weeks after divorcing the first one). Kristy Jo led Bret to believe that she was separated and in the middle of her divorce.

Strike Two: She cries...A LOT!

Strike Three: Oh, wait, did I say I was divorcing my husband? Cause by divorcing my husband I meant, I'm actually still married. Like really married. Like not really even legally separated. But, don't worry, big man Bret. I called my husband (I use husband here because it's really just a label) from your house to let him know that it was over. I'm in love with you. (Okay, so she didn't actually say any of this--except for the last part about being in love with Bret. But, I think I pretty much summarized the situation).

So, alas, Kristy Jo has left the house of her own volition. I wasn't surprised that she decided to leave. She's stupid, lazy and self-absorbed, so it made sense. What I didn't see coming was Bret's reaction. He put the decision to her and then when Kristy Jo said she wanted to leave, he looked genuinely upset. He walked her out, came back, apologized to the girls, told Megan--oh yeah, you can stay too, and then left. I am DYING to know what people think of this. Please leave your thoughts in the comments.

Bret is patriotic. I leave you with some quotes about Kristy Jo...

"Thank God I don't have to work with that crabby whore, Kristy Jo." --Jessica

"Crying and laying in bed all day long? That's the same thing she does everyday. Not such a hard acting job for Kristy Jo." --Megan

"Grrr, I'm so annoyed that that stupid skank Kristy Jo gets another date with Bret." --Destiney

"Ahh, Kristy Jo. Very hot. Very annoying. Mostly very hot." --Bret

A Well-Rounded Woman
or What Flav Looks for in a Skank

This past Monday night, Flav had the ladies compete to see who had the most to offer. We learned that Flav wants a girl who's classy, hot, a good mother, spiritual, smart, and willing to save Flav from danger. Sounds like qualities any man would want in his lady love, right? The funny thing is the competitions didn't exactly test the girls for these qualities. Read on and you'll see what I mean.

Classy: Apparently, being classy entails eating gourmet or exotic foods. The girls had a gigantic block of paté, a huge chunk of foie gras, brains, and something else (we didn't get to hear what it was). Always classy himself, Flav said of the contest, "It smelled like a Coney Island port-o-potty on a hot summer day."

Hot: Now, Flav doesn't want a girl who's just hot, he wants a girl who's hot on the inside. He must love a girl with a fever...a real fever. Myamme and Bunz both did jumping jacks in bikinis to get their body temperatures to rise. So, this was just a shameless way to make girls bounce around in bikinis? That's not a problem for Flavor Flav.

Good Mother: The girls proved who was the best mother by dressing up a naked dummy, slapping together a PB&J sandwich, and carrying the dummy and the lunch to a "bus stop." Flav doesn't want his kids to be late for school.

Spiritual: This one wasn't as shameless as the rest. The girls had to give a sermon to a real choir. Although, I don't know that it tests spirituality as much as it tests speaking abilities. I was just happy that Thing 1 and Thing 2 lost. I still don't like them.

Smart: The girls had to listen to a physics professor explain how the sun works. In the end, the professor had to pick a winner (although it was clear he thought they were both losers). Basically, this competition served to show the audience how stupid the skanks are. But, honestly, we didn't need a competition to show us that.

Flav's Heroine: The final two girls had to jump in a pool filled with junk, grab a dummy, pull it out of the pool, and drag it to a cot. While the competition pretended to test who would go anywhere or do anything for Flav, it really just tested who was willing to get her hair wet. Since Myamme cares more about her hair than Flav, she lost to Prancer.

So, if I was to boil it down, we learned the following from this competition. Flav wants a girl who can eat a block of foie gras without vomiting, a girl who has a fever, a girl who can dress a mannequin quickly, a girl who preaches to the choir, a girl who can explain physics, and a girl who isn't afraid to get her feet, er, hair wet.

A Word from the Skanks...

Flav laughs at the skanks. They were on their game with the quotes this week. Kudos to the quiet schoolgirl Jessica for her witty observations (she had one above too). And it's Jessica from downtown!

"Daisy is the worst camerawoman in the world. She has no idea what to do. Seriously, pretend like it's a big d*ck and focus." --Jessica

"Unless this is God or Big John with a beer, I best not be interrupted right now."

"I gave Amber a pass because I've known her since the twelve century. And I just want to know if we're gonna have sex after all these years." --Bret

"Good strategy. Thing 1 obviously gets to the meals before the other."

"Because of all the molecules and the energies being released from the sun, we will NOT be able to breathe."

"Oh my God. My whole head just got wet."

"Flavor Flav is a very artistical kind of guy."
--Flavor Flav

See you next week for more Super Skank Wednesday.

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Bx Burlesque

Clearly, Bret likes the delicate-featured non-strippers, despite his protestations to the contrary--Kristy Ho looks more like Jes than any of the other girls. I wish Megan had said, "Yeah, screw you, weave-boy," but she didn't. It'll be interesting to see how she spins what was really a rejection in her "I'm so hot" asides.

Also clearly, Daisy wants to be Pam Anderson--her ex even looks like Kid Rock!

Notice how I use my mad textual skillz on interpreting Celebreality? And yay! New York is coming back, so we'll have skanks even after Bret and Flav find love!

March 19 2008 at 11:36 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Akbar Fazil

Bret was upset because he felt something for Kristy Joe (or at least, the producers have told him too) and he was ready to keep her AND help her with her problems. He even threw that last part out before she said she wanted to go.

I just wonder with her gone who the other girls are going to bitch and cry over.

March 19 2008 at 10:54 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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