Powered by i.TV
October 7, 2015

America's Next Top Model: If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere

by JJ Hawkins, posted Apr 2nd 2008 11:16PM
Dominique is hot like glacier.

I cracked open my laptop and stared blankly at the screen for a good 30 minutes trying to muster up the will to write four to five paragraphs that ranted and raved about how much I love Fatimanique.

Nothing came to me, so I cracked open a bible hoping that the good book would remove the hate from my heart, and grant me the ability to look past their demonic facades and love them like normal human beings should be loved.

It didn't work, so I cracked open a Stella Artois hoping that some Belgium malt liquor would provide me with the liquid strength necessary to force my mind into pretending I gave a crap about these two medieval gargoyles.

Again, it failed to work...

Finally, instead of cracking open another random object, I just decided to smoke some crack hoping that inhaling mind-altering chemicals from a glass pipe would provide me with the twisted state of mind required to pretend some broke-down tranny and a beat-up Iman impersonator had what it takes to win this competition.

Fatima is hot like cryogenic chamber.

Although I ended up really, really, really loving the crack, it didn't have the desired result. After several readings of John 4:9, 3 beers, and A LOT of crack, I continue to despise these two girls more than any other girl in America's Next Top Model history.

As a result, operation "reverse-Top-Model-psychology" has come to an abrupt halt since my body has rejected every attempt to jinx these girls off the show by rooting for them. It's a shame too because it was a brilliant plan that totally would have worked if I had the testicular fortitude to see it through.

Hopefully, some of you readers can continue the cause, smoke your own crack, and write-up posts full of goodwill to these two on your personal blogs. If not, one of these two biotches is going to win the show, and CoverGirl is going to go out of business because they had Jaslene and Dominique or Fatima representing their brand within a three year period. I'm pretty sure no company is going to be able to survive something as devastating as that.

Moving on, the girls broke into two teams, got a GPS enabled cell phone, and had to navigate their way around New York City to try and book gigs with various modeling agencies.

Team 1: Stacy-Ann, Dominique, Claire, and Whitney
Team 2: Lauren, Anya, Katarzyna, and Fatima

The girls meet at an agency.
The first thing I noticed was how lopsided these teams were. As much as I hate Dominique, she has a pretty decent model walk and a good demeanor when it comes to meeting people (as fake as it may be). With the exception of Kat, Team 2 was pretty much a disaster as far as personality and model walk goes.

I mean, Lauren openly admitted that she walks like Lurch. If you go into something thinking you're going to suck, there's a 100% chance that you're going to suck at it. Lauren--I love the girl, but she may as well tattoo the word Dyson on her forehead.

As suspected, Team 1 ran away with the competition and Stacy-Ann booked the most jobs which was a big reason for their win. The winners got to be in some fancy Seventeen Magazine photo shoot that had to do with summer or something.

If I'm being completely honest, I've considered subscribing to this magazine just so I can see what some of these photo spreads end up looking like. Unfortunately, I'm not going to do it because subscribing to a magazine called Seventeen would make me feel pervish and dirty all over. Couldn't they call the magazine Eighteen or something? Better yet, couldn't they call it Barely Legal? Oh wait, I already subscribe to Barely Legal...Different genre of magazine.

Tonight's photo shoot was actually kind of different. Not different in a bad way like hanging cuts of meat all over the body (which I still think was one of the worst concepts of all time). Tonight, the girls were shot beneath a transparent mylar sheet covered in water sans makeup and sans hair being did.

Claire gets concussed.

Claire was the first girl on the giant slip and slide, and unfortunately, she pretty much concussed herself while face planting on the mylar sheet. The picture above doesn't really do this sequence justice. Her head bounced a full foot above the water. I probably would have laughed a little if I didn't like her. Ouch. Instead, I just cursed because Dominique or Fatima weren't the first to dive into the water.

Before Kat made her way onto the mylar, she was the recipient of a haircut since Tyra ended up liking her hair so much last week. As usual, she killed the shoot and looked gorgeous in the water. Oh why oh why didn't they stick her in a white dress?

All the girls looked pretty sexy during the shoot. Well, all the girls except Lauren who blew bubbles out her nose the entire time. She looked like a scuba diver without any scuba gear. The funniest thing was she was in about two inches of water. I thought she was going to drown. Someone please get this girl some swimming lessons.

Paulina is kind of worthless.

Before we get into the order of the photos, can we talk about Paulina Porizkova for a split second? She really came out with some fire about 15 minutes into the first episode didn't she? What the hell happened to her after that? She's said about 30 words all season. I was expecting her to really lay into the girls during panel, but she's been pretty tame the entire time. She was a little bit more animated tonight, but as far as I'm concerned, she's no better or worse than Twiggy. What a disappointment. I could care less if they bring her back next season. I just had to get that off of my chest.

The order of the photos:

Fatima - 1st??? What the crap? I hate this show.

This left Claire and Lauren, and tonight, Claire's dream to become a model came to an end. I'm not sure what to say. I'm kind of shocked as I wasn't expecting that at all. Did I say something nice about her in tonight's review--I can't remember?

Oh well, we're at the halfway point which means the dreaded recap show is right around the corner. I hate recapping the recap show. Anyone have any suggestions as to what I should write about instead when that wretched show rears it's nasty head?

Out of curiosity, who do you find more Lurch-like?
Lauren - Cycle 10272 (74.7%)
Heather - Cycle 992 (25.3%)

Add a Comment

*0 / 3000 Character Maximum


Filter by:

Has anyone noticed that this years group of models are the least attractive of all the other Americas Next Top Models ?
Most are frighteningly thin and not pretty at all.

April 07 2008 at 6:08 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

As much as I hope that Dominique and Fatima will go home soon, Claire really was the worst competitor this week and thus lost fairly. Furthermore, she let her early successes go to her head and this was her downfall. Her ego got bigger. She got cocky, and her face plant on the mylar is one example of this. For weeks she rested on her successes and stopped trying.

Lauren deserved to be in the bottom two because her walk isn't improving.

For the most part I agree with the order of the pictures from the competition standpoint but disagree that Fatima should have been number 1. Purely based on this week's competitions I think she deserved to be around third to last, maybe second to last but only because Stacy-Ann had won the first competition.

We as viewers are judging the girls based on the entire series so far but we're also judging on things that the judges don't see. That is, the "reality show" component to the show. We're judging based on all the edited footage outside the competitions, including footage from the house and the edited confessionals, which we know are sometimes based on questions from unseen production crew.

The judges are looking at track record to date and competitions exclusively.

(Apologies for the tangent.)

April 04 2008 at 2:50 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to AT's comment

"The judges are looking at track record to date and competitions exclusively."

You know that to be true, how? This is a television program designed to generate advertising revenue. Please don't think at any time this is a fair contest. Tyra is the executive producer and is (or should be) aware of everything going on - at the house, in the limo, on the set and the challenges. I'm fairly certain she picked her winner when she announced the original 14 girls.

Read the credits, it will say that the producers have last say on who is voted out. (Says the same thing for Project Runway, too.)

Don't get me wrong. I love to watch ANTM, but I don't have any delusions that it is an actual contest.

April 08 2008 at 10:48 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

So glad Claire got eliminated. I am so sick of seeing her busted up face. GO BACK TO YOUR BABY AND BE A SOCCER MOM!!!

April 03 2008 at 7:28 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

"The winners got to be in some fancy Seventeen Magazine photo shoot that had to do with summer or something".

Thats hilarious seeing as Dominique hasn't been 17 for at least 20 years.

April 03 2008 at 3:33 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

JJ, i am officially mad at you! this "vote for the worst" tactic you developed is not working at all! Fatima was called first (although i'll admit that her photo was great). the entire episode, whenever The Leather Purse was talking, i screamed "go home!" you are going to have to change plans here, cause i could not live if either of them won.

April 03 2008 at 2:20 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Did anyone notice at one of the Go-See's the designer made a comment about Fatima being too thin? And nothing was said to her at Panel? The girl is seriously skin and bones. It makes her look like Skeletor! Would anyone, ANYONE, want to roll around in that dirty 2 inches of water after everyone else did???? Why not take them outside to the nearest mudpuddle. Same thing! Or have them swim the Hudson!

April 03 2008 at 1:39 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I'm not commenting on the correct season (I don't think), but I can't believe the judges on the panel actually believe the fashion industry is important at all in life-they should NEVER act as heartless as they do towards contestants with serious health issues. Health is ALWAYS more important than makeup and ridiculous photo shoots that look absolutely laughable at best. They told one contestant who suffered permanent brain injury that there is no sympathy and she needs to figure out how to fix it. These pieces of work on the panel are not smart enough to be doctors, so why the hell are they saying things like that when they have no clue if anything can be done??? There is no reason why people in the most pointless industry in the world can't be compassionate and understanding while still making her understand things will be a challenge for her. Tyra was the only one who treated the girl like she was human but EVERYONE should be treated like human beings in this worthless industry. So funny, Ms. 'I'm confused about who I am" J sat there wearing his clown outfit being so heartless to this girl-who the hell does he/she think they are making comments like that when he/she needs someone to remind him/her that he/she is more messed up in the head than this poor girl is? Go back to the circus, clown!

April 03 2008 at 12:18 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I thought Paulina's comment was kind of funny - because isn't she from an Eastern Europian country originally - I thought she was Chekloslovakian (I'm sure I butchered that spelling). I remember when she first started modeling and she never opened her mouth to smile because she was embarrassed about her teeth. I wish she said more at panel, but I'm sure that there's a lot of editing that goes on to keep the focus on TYRA and not anyone else.

Also, Patrick - hilarious comment on the missing tooth of Dominique.

April 03 2008 at 11:44 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I think what Claire said was she wanted to SLIDE into the water, and Jay said 'You dont have to do that'. If he gave her a warning, they didnt show it. And remember when the girls first saw those other people splashing and jumping when they first walked in? It probably looked more giving then it actually was. At least to me it did. And wasnt it hilarious when Paulina said Lauren was less "Frankensteiny"!

April 03 2008 at 11:18 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Wow... good job JJ, you're almost reaching Rich (fourfour) level with your snarkiness.

While i love love love whitney, her picture (and Anya's) both had weird noses, looking like a pig, or an actual fetus. it was so grossssssssssssss

April 03 2008 at 11:15 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Follow Us

From Our Partners