America's Next Top Model: If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere
(S10E07) I cracked open my laptop and stared blankly at the screen for a good 30 minutes trying to muster up the will to write four to five paragraphs that ranted and raved about how much I love Fatimanique.
Nothing came to me, so I cracked open a bible hoping that the good book would remove the hate from my heart, and grant me the ability to look past their demonic facades and love them like normal human beings should be loved.
It didn't work, so I cracked open a Stella Artois hoping that some Belgium malt liquor would provide me with the liquid strength necessary to force my mind into pretending I gave a crap about these two medieval gargoyles.
Again, it failed to work...
Finally, instead of cracking open another random object, I just decided to smoke some crack hoping that inhaling mind-altering chemicals from a glass pipe would provide me with the twisted state of mind required to pretend some broke-down tranny and a beat-up Iman impersonator had what it takes to win this competition.
Although I ended up really, really, really loving the crack, it didn't have the desired result. After several readings of John 4:9, 3 beers, and A LOT of crack, I continue to despise these two girls more than any other girl in America's Next Top Model history.
As a result, operation "reverse-Top-Model-psychology" has come to an abrupt halt since my body has rejected every attempt to jinx these girls off the show by rooting for them. It's a shame too because it was a brilliant plan that totally would have worked if I had the testicular fortitude to see it through.
Hopefully, some of you readers can continue the cause, smoke your own crack, and write-up posts full of goodwill to these two on your personal blogs. If not, one of these two biotches is going to win the show, and CoverGirl is going to go out of business because they had Jaslene and Dominique or Fatima representing their brand within a three year period. I'm pretty sure no company is going to be able to survive something as devastating as that.
Moving on, the girls broke into two teams, got a GPS enabled cell phone, and had to navigate their way around New York City to try and book gigs with various modeling agencies.
Team 1: Stacy-Ann, Dominique, Claire, and Whitney
Team 2: Lauren, Anya, Katarzyna, and Fatima
The first thing I noticed was how lopsided these teams were. As much as I hate Dominique, she has a pretty decent model walk and a good demeanor when it comes to meeting people (as fake as it may be). With the exception of Kat, Team 2 was pretty much a disaster as far as personality and model walk goes.
I mean, Lauren openly admitted that she walks like Lurch. If you go into something thinking you're going to suck, there's a 100% chance that you're going to suck at it. Lauren--I love the girl, but she may as well tattoo the word Dyson on her forehead.
As suspected, Team 1 ran away with the competition and Stacy-Ann booked the most jobs which was a big reason for their win. The winners got to be in some fancy Seventeen Magazine photo shoot that had to do with summer or something.
If I'm being completely honest, I've considered subscribing to this magazine just so I can see what some of these photo spreads end up looking like. Unfortunately, I'm not going to do it because subscribing to a magazine called Seventeen would make me feel pervish and dirty all over. Couldn't they call the magazine Eighteen or something? Better yet, couldn't they call it Barely Legal? Oh wait, I already subscribe to Barely Legal...Different genre of magazine.
Tonight's photo shoot was actually kind of different. Not different in a bad way like hanging cuts of meat all over the body (which I still think was one of the worst concepts of all time). Tonight, the girls were shot beneath a transparent mylar sheet covered in water sans makeup and sans hair being did.
Claire was the first girl on the giant slip and slide, and unfortunately, she pretty much concussed herself while face planting on the mylar sheet. The picture above doesn't really do this sequence justice. Her head bounced a full foot above the water. I probably would have laughed a little if I didn't like her. Ouch. Instead, I just cursed because Dominique or Fatima weren't the first to dive into the water.
Before Kat made her way onto the mylar, she was the recipient of a haircut since Tyra ended up liking her hair so much last week. As usual, she killed the shoot and looked gorgeous in the water. Oh why oh why didn't they stick her in a white dress?
All the girls looked pretty sexy during the shoot. Well, all the girls except Lauren who blew bubbles out her nose the entire time. She looked like a scuba diver without any scuba gear. The funniest thing was she was in about two inches of water. I thought she was going to drown. Someone please get this girl some swimming lessons.
Before we get into the order of the photos, can we talk about Paulina Porizkova for a split second? She really came out with some fire about 15 minutes into the first episode didn't she? What the hell happened to her after that? She's said about 30 words all season. I was expecting her to really lay into the girls during panel, but she's been pretty tame the entire time. She was a little bit more animated tonight, but as far as I'm concerned, she's no better or worse than Twiggy. What a disappointment. I could care less if they bring her back next season. I just had to get that off of my chest.
The order of the photos:
Fatima - 1st??? What the crap? I hate this show.
This left Claire and Lauren, and tonight, Claire's dream to become a model came to an end. I'm not sure what to say. I'm kind of shocked as I wasn't expecting that at all. Did I say something nice about her in tonight's review--I can't remember?
Oh well, we're at the halfway point which means the dreaded recap show is right around the corner. I hate recapping the recap show. Anyone have any suggestions as to what I should write about instead when that wretched show rears it's nasty head?
|Lauren - Cycle 10||272 (74.7%)|
|Heather - Cycle 9||92 (25.3%)|