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October 9, 2015

America's Next Top Model: For Those About to Walk, We Salute You

by JJ Hawkins, posted Apr 16th 2008 11:42PM
Dominique is not cute.

Now, I don't want to come off as too harsh or insensitive, but if Dominique is the first thing I see when an episode of America's Next Top Model begins, I usually do a double take to make sure I didn't accidentally hit play on my Gremlins 2 DVD.

Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I say Dominique's eyes be holding no beauty.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I say Domique's windows have vacancy signs tacked on the panes.

Some say an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I say, I would gladly gouge out both of my eyes with a worn tooth if I have to look at her just a week longer.

Am I being too hard on her? Of course I am. She's a girl on a reality modeling competition. If I took this as seriously as I lead on, I'd need to do a serious reevaluation of my life.

Despite that, this is an opinionated recap of the show, and I'll be damned if I don't occasionally throw in some scathing opinions, plus you guys seem to like it when I'm hateful. Shame on you.

Anyhow, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think a more vile creature has ever made it this far into a cycle. Top Model Darwinism usually kicks in long before this point and the beast has typically eliminated herself, no?

So what's her secret? Dumb luck? Pact with the devil? Does she have a sex tape of Tyra she's threatening to sell to TMZ?

None of the above. I totally know what's going on here. Picture if you will:

First Scene

Camera pans to a body on a pile of crumpled white sheets. It's Dominique, she's just waking up, and she looks like...well like Dominique. We get a montage of shots as Dominique diligently applies various CoverGirl products to her face. Next, we get a shot of Dominique in the mirror looking semi-hot (assuming this is possible).

Cut To

CoverGirl's new product tagline sprawled across the screen:

CoverGirl - The Miracle Collection

End Scene

It's a CoverGirl conspiracy. It has to be. I'm pretty sure I'm on to something here.

The best part about that whole tangent is I haven't even watched a second of the show yet. For all I know, Dominique goes home tonight. My hunch is that since I said some pretty rancid things, she'll be protected yet again this week. If she knew how much I disliked her, she'd probably be thrilled.

Shall I shut up now so we find out what actually happened?

Before that, I keep forgetting to mention that the remixed intro this season is top notch and I'm not being an smart ass. It's well shot, I like the colors, I like the slower pace, and I like the scenes they use of the girls. I can't believe no one has mentioned that in the comments yet. You're slacking.

Fatima is screwed.

The first thing we learned this episode is that Fatima is in the country on a green card and she lost her travel documents in Atlanta. I'm not really sure what any of that means but I'm guessing if someone goes Schindler's List on her, and asks to see her papers, there's a good chance she may be deported. This may be the best start to an episode all season.

Next, Paulina made a surprise visit to the house and did a little role-playing with the girls. She pretended that she was some uppity figure in the industry and the girls had to come up and introduce themselves. She also played an interviewer and used an empty water bottle as a microphone during faux interviews with the girls. Not much really interesting to say about this sequence other than it was nice to see Paulina make an appearance this season outside of panel. Every time I see Paulina, I hope that she's going to bring the pain like she did in episode one when she flat out told Dominique that she was "a little on the draggy side." It hasn't quite happened yet.

Stacy-Ann works the green carpet.

All of the practice was preparing the girls for a green carpet Jay Godfrey event hosted by 7-Up. They had to spend some time on the carpet being photographed and interviewed by some blonde lady representing The Insider. Outside of stumbling on a few words, Dominique referring to Jay Godfrey and "Jay Georgeau," and Whitney wearing an intimately cut blue Hefty cinch sack, the carpet portion of this went off without a hitch.

Whitney has on a trashbag.

For the remainder of the evening the girls got to mingle with quasi celebrities including April from cycle 2 and the Taco Bell dog from cycle 8. I was also extremely upset when I got a look at Paulina's sad sack of a recording artist husband. The guy looked perfectly ordinary yet gets to sleep with a supermodel every night. I, on the other hand look perfectly ordinary, and on a good night, my cat will curl up next to me at the foot of my bed. I think I took a wrong turn somewhere through life.

Anya au natural.

Anya and her peculiar accent won the challenge, and she was rewarded with a 7-Up photoshoot and $10,000 in a cold hard check. Is it just me or is Anya kind of a silent assassin this season? When I'm going through the girls in my head, I never think of her, yet this is the second challenge she's won this cycle. I personally don't think she's going to make it any further than the commercial shoot, but I thought the same of Cha Cha and look what happened to her. Apparently, articulation is not a very important trait in this industry.

The girls got some Tyra mail that alluded to them going abroad. They excitedly packed there bags and brought them to the airport. As it turns out, the girls didn't actually go anywhere tonight. The luggage they brought along was going to be a prop in a travel inspired group photoshoot.

Fatima let Jay know she was going to miss the shoot since she had an appointment about her papers. Jay brought up a good point when he mentioned that Fatima waited way too long to go get this issue taken care of. The lonely tear that rolled down Fatima's cheek during this sequence has become my new favorite moment of this cycle...

Fatima gets her papers.

...and then my own little sad tear rolled down my cheek when I discovered Fatima got her papers. You all have no idea how much I hate this show right now...

..but then I started loving it again because immediately after the photoshoot (which Fatima didn't make it back to, HAHAHAHAH), the girls walked into an airplane hangar and were shocked to see that panel was about to take place.

It's a surprise panel!

Order of the photos:


This left Stacy-Ann and Fatima who didn't even take a picture. It didn't matter. Stacy-Ann was sent home and Fatima made it through. Wow! Losing to someone who didn't even take a picture?! Can we go ahead and rank this as the worst possible way you could get eliminated from a Top Model cycle? What would that do to a person's self-esteem? Did she even make it to the flight that that was going to take her home or did she just go lay on the runway like I would have done?

I lied. After panel, the girls did go abroad. They're headed to Rome.

Finally, I'm going to have to chop my fingers off after typing this, but Dominique took a great picture this week which basically flew in the face of all the wretched things I typed about her at the beginning of this piece of crap recap.

Once again, I prove that I have no business writing this thing. I may have to find a replacement anyhow. It's going to be tough pecking this out with these nubs not to mention these gouged out eyes from a worn tooth. I'm back to hating this show.

Did the judges make the right decision on Fatima?
Nope - She didn't even take a photo this week. Why should she get to stay?215 (56.9%)
Yup - Fatima's body of work was much stronger than Stacy-Anns.163 (43.1%)

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Hi there! ^^

Could someone please help me out with the Miss J's Dominique drag voice around 34m:30s ?

I'm not a native speaker (I'm brazilian), and this is a really difficult part to figure it out... so far, guess I heard something like this:

"well, we all just need a little (....) having (....) fab"


And by the way, great recap!

May 31 2008 at 11:15 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I was going to say almost everything that laura said. Specifically, her observations about Fatima and Tyra.

There were basically two plotlines this week: Lauren's thumb (blood makes good TV) and Fatima's green card. The second was drawn out dramatically, scripted, manipulated and edited by the producers. I want to know how it really happened. If the producers think that the audience believes that Tyra and Jay didn't know about Fatima's issue, they're not giving the audience enough credit. Maybe this is where we're supposed to acknowledge that "reality TV" has a fictional element and that "reality TV" is only "reality based".

In the first challenge: Whitney's dress was awful. Stacy Ann tried too hard. Lauren had to find that balance between "being yourself" and filtering just enough so that she's still herself but not necessarily baring all. I think it's a phase of human development and growing self awareness. I say this because I've been through that phase. Lauren is still at the stage where she is so intent on being herself that she wants to give the finger (figuratively) to anyone who she thinks is challenging her identity.

-The final three will be Dominique (ugh), Anya and Katarzyna.

-Lauren will go within the next two weeks, Whitney within the next three (that is, she'll last one week longer than Lauren and this could happen two or three weeks from now).

-Anya to win?

April 21 2008 at 12:53 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

amazing recap, I have to say I agree with everything you said. I personally cannot stand Domafreak myself..she looks like a man. I wonder what her child looks like. Anyways, no one has mentioned that Fatima isnt even a citizen of the United States. isnt this AMERICA'S next top model? Or am I wrong? I checked the requierments for applying to ANTM and it says you HAVE to be a citizen to compete in the competition. This girl shouldnt even be here. Also, Katarzyna is gorgeous and takes amazing pictures BUT she needs to start talking more..I always forget about her yet she is my favorite? Doesnt make much sense...

April 19 2008 at 1:38 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

That was by far the best recap I have read on this website - I loved it! Show is good this season, Miss J's Dominique drag voice was totally hilarious. I love him and Paulina too!

April 17 2008 at 1:51 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
anthony graham

and tell your juge to stop acting likeing like that and the gayone

April 17 2008 at 1:13 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to anthony graham's comment


April 17 2008 at 3:01 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I miss my stars:

the "disability" this season is fatima and her "genital mutilation" issue. although since the first two episodes we havent heard much about it.

April 17 2008 at 11:37 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to laura's comment

That's right, Laura, thanks! Although I can't see genital mutilation being a disability in the same way blindness or Chron's is. Not to be disrespectful to those that have been mutilated that way, but it is not something that would prevent a person from completing a job.

April 17 2008 at 1:13 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Whitney was given the ugliest dress, no doubt. That cut and style of dress is suited to a body frame like Fatima - e.g. no tits, no hips and tall. Whitney would have looked 100% better in the dress Domi-drag was wearing with the waist cinched high and free flowing. But you know what? Girlfriend has the confidence to wear it and good for her!

Lauren looks like a modern day Lauren Bacall, but gawd knows she doesn't have a fraction of the screen maven's class or charm. Swearing at a red carpet interview? How sleazy. Remember Lauren, you are competing to be America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Skank (that's a different show.)

I can't wait for the Cover Girl commerical. Listening to Anya and Lauren recite their lines should be the best entertainment this cycle has to offer. Have they ever determined why Anya speaks the way she does? Are her parents Dutch nationals? I've met many people from Hawaii - I've never heard anything like that. (I'll feel really crappy if it turns out she is hearing impaired, but I think they would have been milking her disability if that was the case.) Come to think of it - is there a contestant with a disability this time around? Tyra has gone out of her way to include one in each cycle: the girl with Chron's; one was legally blind and most recently Heather and her ausberger's.

Whitney is my fave, but I know Tyra won't let the "fat" girl win (if only I could be fat like that - jeez) . Katarzyna is my next pick because she seems to have the most class, but she need to pick it up. The Drama queens are casting long shadows and she needs to step out and shine!

April 17 2008 at 10:34 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

by the way JJ, this was your best recap yet!

April 17 2008 at 10:28 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

totally agree with each and every one of you. especially putting whitney in that hideousness of a dress!!! I think Whitney could be my best friend who I'd constantly get in fights with because she's so into herself.... does that make any sense?

Poor Stacy Ann, she was certainly fun and adorable, but not a great model. Fats is too skinny to be a role model, and while she did take better pictures than Stacy-Ann, she's a tool and Tyra should have probably dropped them both.

I think Top Model would TOTALLY Benefit from Paulina's more constant presence... I live for that woman!

April 17 2008 at 10:28 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I thought Anya won the challenge in part, because she had the prettiest dress on. Whitney's was very unflattering - why put a plus-size girl into that shiny fabric? That's just cruel.

April 17 2008 at 9:42 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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