Where Are They Now: The Super Friends
Do not adjust your web browser. You are now entering the Retro Squad, where we are reviewing past episodes of classic TV shows.
Welcome Back to TVSBTTHB (TV Squad Behind the True Hollywood Biography). For over a decade the team known as the Super Friends traveled the world, and the galaxy, to right the wrongs wrought by such villains as the Legion of Doom and Darkseid. But, by the mid-1980s, their services were no longer needed by the public, who watched many of their adventures on television. It was then that these heroes faded away.
So, what happened to them? Being the show that looks under every rock and inside every dumpster, TVSBTTHB was able to obtain information on all of the Super Friends: major, minor and 'what the hell are they doing on the team?'. Some of their stories are heartbreaking, others heartwarming, and the rest are just "meh." Yet, they are all fascinating and provide an extra layer of complexity to the already complicated lives of these superhumans.
Now, let's turn our attention to Superman, Batman, El Dorado, and the rest of the Super Friends.
Superman: The Man of Steel recently lost a class action suit filed by the entire population of Earth. Turns out that his infrared and X-Ray vision caused billions of cases of cancer, impotence and infertility around the world. Criminal charges are currently pending from a number of female plaintiffs who have accused Superman of using his telescopic vision to look into their bedrooms and bathrooms. In related news, Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane recently filed for divorce from reporter Clark Kent.
Batman: After decades of brooding on top of tall buildings and scaring people in alleyways it was revealed that The Caped Crusader suffered from severe depression. Now on Zoloft, The Dark Knight isn't as dark anymore. Fact is, after a number of counseling sessions, this superhero realized that he was taking the anger he had against his father (who didn't spend enough time with him) and focusing it on villains like Joker and Two-Face. Eventually, after apologizing to these arch-enemies, they realized that that crime really didn't pay. Now, Gotham City is one of the top ten best American cities to live in.
Robin: After leaving the Super Friends, The Boy Wonder published his tell-all book Holy S@#t, Batman, I'm Gay!, which chronicled his days inside the Hall of Justice. It also delved into many of the intimate details about the Super Friends, including a torrid affair between Black Vulcan and Apache Chief. Apparently, his former teammates weren't too happy about this. After having his membership revoked, Robin moved to Western Massachusetts where he opened up a small cafe with his husband.
Wonder Woman: The Amazonian Princess met an untimely demise during a mission at the Grand Canyon. Forgetting the location of the Invisible Jet, Wonder Woman plunged to her death after stepping off the wrong cliff. In 1991, the Invisible Jet Act made it a federal offense to manufacture, purchase, or fly a plane no one could see.
Aquaman: After dealing with self-esteem issues that built up during his time in the Super Friends, the King of the Seven Seas realized that his power not only allowed him to control sea creatures. He could also control human beings as well. That's why, several times a day, we bow down to our benevolent leader Aquaman. All hail Aquaman, King of the Earth!
Flash: Scarlet Speedster Global Pizza Delivery -- 30 seconds or your pizza is free!
Green Lantern: Working children's shows as Greenie, the Magic Ring Clown. He also provides services to adults with the copyrighted Emerald Strip-o-Gram.
Hawkman: In 2005, the Winged Wonder was arrested while soaring across a No-Fly Zone over the White House. Ironically, he was flying over the White House in order to save it from an alien invasion.
Black Vulcan: In a tragic accident, Black Vulcan perished after walking into the Wonder Twin Zan, who was in the form of a puddle at the time. The Vulcan family sued the Super Friends for millions of dollars in pain and suffering. A few years later, OSHA added water-powered superheroes onto their list of workplace hazards.
Apache Chief: Due to some unfortunate business deals, the Chief ended up an involuntary employee of the Apache Sun Casino & Spa. Twice an hour the Chief participates in the show Inyuk-chuk, which takes place near the entrance of the casino. Autographs are $25 apiece; 8X10 glossies are extra.
Samurai: This Super Friend is currently in hiding after the devastating tornadoes that have hit the Midwest this spring.
Rima the Jungle Girl: After her stint with the Super Friends, Rima joined Jane and Sheena the Jungle Queen in the short-live reality show The Jungle Girls. A direct ripoff of The Simple Life, Jungle Girls featured the three women working in occupations outside of their environment. The body count was high for this show as the women would usually call out to their ferocious jungle friends to help them in their jobs.
El Dorado: This hero, who received a doctorate in English from Oxford University, sued the Super Friends organization for racial stereotyping. In a statement to the press, the hero said 'I was utterly dismayed concerning the so-called "diversity" of the Super Friends. Their policy of having me speak in broken English, sprinkled with Spanish words, was a blight on the superhero world. In other words, it was muy bad, amigo.'
Atom: In a terrible accident, the Atom was crushed beneath the foot of Apache Chief during one of his growth spurts. Shortly after, the Chief lost his spokesperson contract with Nike.
Firestorm: At this time The Nuclear Man is being investigated by the International Atomic Energy Agency. His assets have also been frozen by the U.S. government.
Cyborg: After a stint with the Teen Titans, Cyborg entered the world of Information Technology, becoming a prime support person for the Cybernerd Geeksquad. He was let go shortly afterward due to his unauthorized relationship with a wireless router.
Wendy, Marvin and Wonderdog: After being unceremoniously removed from the Hall of Justice, Wendy became a important player during the ERA movement of the 70s. Marvin and Wonderdog, totally lost without the sanity of Wendy, became understudies for Shaggy and Scooby-Doo during the Laff-a-Lympics. Both perished in the Sahara Desert during an auto race in episode 4. Laff-a-Lympics indeed!
The Wonder Twins: Dealing with relationship issues, Jayna has recently been seen with a hawk, an elephant, a T-Rex, an Exorian dung beetle, a Venusian slime beast, a...
Zan, after inadvertently killing Black Vulcan, relocated to Las Vegas. With Gleek as his business manager, Jan is now doing hourly Dancing Fountain shows at the Bellagio.
The Hall of Justice: is now a Super Wal-Mart