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September 5, 2015

Things I learned from my cable TV

by Brett Love, posted Jun 26th 2008 6:02PM
Kristy SwansonI'm going to hazard the guess that if you are a regular visitor to TV Squad that you, like me, probably watch more television than the average bear. Partly out of good old fashioned curiosity, and partly because I'm paying for all of those channels so I might as well use them, I make it a point to cover as much of my cable TV package as I can when time allows. Doing so, you end up finding some odd and interesting things. After the jump, five things I've learned from my cable TV over the last week or so.

Kristy Swanson didn't do a soft-core porn movie - Showtime: I haven't been a Showtime subscriber for a very long time. I was so annoyed with them after the cancellations of Beggars and Choosers and Going To California that I canceled the service. But the siren's call of Billie Piper nekkid, combined with a special offer from the cable company, was enough to bring me back into the Showtime fold.

With all those new features freshly activated on my cable box I started poking around and found the following movie available On Demand.

Comcast on demand screen

Ok now, reading that, my first thought was, "How the hell did I not know about this movie?" I have a vast network of perverts friends that are supposed to keep me updated on those developments. A nipple can't slip in Hollywood without my inbox lighting up. Surely the OG Buffy in a soft-core romp should have set off some alarms. I had to know...

I made it about three minutes into the movie before I got bored. As you might guess, it's not a movie that will be clamoring for attention in any AFI lists any time soon. I fired up the FFWD in the hopes of finding just what Kristy Swanson's involvement in this mess was. Those hopes were soon dashed as I made it to the end with nary an appearance of the former Buffy star. A trip to IMDB reveals the details. She did make a movie called Forbidden Secrets, but it's a completely different movie, with more plot, and a lot less boobs. Dammit. As a side note, I also learned that you really don't want to go googling for Kristy Swanson images while at work. Lordy, those results are NSFW even in the morally corrupt work environs I so enjoy.

Nigel's Granny is more gangsta than Chris - Fox: Unimpressed with Chris' attempt at krumping on last week's So You Think You Can Dance, Nigel went a bit off the deep end in his critique. Not only did he point out that his grandmother is more gangsta than Chris, he went on to add that rather than toughness or aggression, the performance conveyed the idea of a small child telling his mommy he has to go pee pee. Ouch. I agree that Chris didn't really pull off the krumping number as well as he could have, but damn, it was week two, Dude.

Alicia SacramoneAlicia Sacramone is dangerous behind the wheel - NBC: Ok, probably not. I'm sure Miss Sacramone is actually a perfectly safe driver, but I have to wonder what the hell NBC was thinking with their profile on her during the Olympic Trials. They, rather oddly, cut away to shots of her driving, twice. Once showing her changing songs on her iPod. And the other time showing her driving with her left foot hiked up onto the seat. Not to take anything away from Nastia Liukin or Shawn Johnson, but Alicia is my early pick for America's sweetheart at the Olympics. She's adorable, has a fantastic back story, and is really good at what she does. NBC doesn't need to be throwing her under the bus with bad edits.

A "gold star" is a lesbian that has never been with a man - LOGO: For variety, apparently you could also toss "mangin" in there. You can take that to mean that I also have LOGO on my cable system, and I'll watch anything at least once, even if I'm about as far from the target demographic as I could get. That last bit also explains the odd wealth of Suite Life trivia bouncing around my noggin. This particular revelation came from Gimme Sugar. It's a reality show following the lives of a group of lesbian friends. It all felt very similar to Curl Girls to me, if you're familiar with that one. And much like watching Curl Girls, the overwhelming thought I'm left with is that I have enough trouble figuring out the machinations in the minds of straight girls. My melon is just not up to the added complications of trying to figure out what's going on here.

Evan Tanner's new blog over at Spike TV is going to be RAW! - Spike: Technically I learned that from the internet, but they directed me there during the broadcast of the Ultimate Fighter finale. I just toss it out there because Evan Tanner is a really interesting guy, and as long as Spike sticks to their word about letting him write whatever he likes, it could be a very interesting addition to the Spike page.

Like they say during the commercial breaks on NBC... the more you know...

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mike m

yeah...that kristy swanson movie got me too...i hate movie adverts.

June 26 2008 at 8:39 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

It annoys me to no end that Evan's Spike blog has no RSS.

No RSS means I will never, EVER remember to go there.

June 26 2008 at 8:10 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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