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October 9, 2015

Where are they now: The employees and patrons of Cheers

by Richard Keller, posted Jul 9th 2008 10:03AM

The original Cheers cast -- Sam, Diane, Coach, Carla, Cliff, NormDo not adjust your web browser. You are now entering the Retro Squad, where we are reviewing past episodes of classic TV shows.

Welcome back to TVSBTTHB (TV Squad Behind the True Hollywood Biography). For 11 years the bar simply known as Cheers was the place to go. Not only did everyone know your name (particularly if it was 'Norm'), but you were able to get a beer, a story about major league baseball's heyday, some homespun wisdom, a bunch of needless trivia from a postal worker, and perhaps a beer thrown into your face by a hormonal waitress who seems to have been very pregnant. When you left your wallet would be lighter, but a smile would crease your face.

Yet, once the last beer was sold and the final patron walked out the door the employees and patrons of that Boston bar disappeared into its narrow and winding streets, people have been asking the folks here at TVSBTTHB whatever happened to Sam, Diane, Norm, Cliff, and the rest of the Cheers gang. Now, after digging through mounds of beer kegs, Hungry Heifer napkins, and undelivered mail, we have discovered what happened to these folks who seemed to spend all of their waking hours in the bar.

Sam Malone: After years of chasing skirts and avoiding hundreds of sexual harassment suits, the former Red Sox pitcher realized that it was all hiding his homosexuality. Shortly after his epiphany Sam sold the bar to Woody and moved to the western part of Massachusetts with his partner Robin, the Boy Wonder to open up a small cafe and wine bar.

Diane Chambers: After writing for sitcoms and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman after her days at Cheers, the former waitress decided to step away from the limelight and concentrate on some of her more artistic writings. Writings that were more symbolic and obscure and had an underlying meaning to them that someone would understand if they read through if a few dozen times. Hence, the reason she is now a staff writer for Lost.

Norm Peterson: You would think that all of the beer drinking, red meat eating and butt sitting that Norm did while at Cheers would have dug him an early grave. Not true. Turns out, Norm was from an alien planet somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy, and the constant eating of dead animals and swilling of liquid bread was needed to keep him alive. And the fat? Well, it was insulating agent for the extremely cold weather of the North American continent. Turns out, Norm's home planet is a comfortable 212 degrees in the shade. By the way, the simultaneous shouting of his name whenever he walked into a building...mind control.

Cliff Clavin: With his knowledge of inane facts and figures Cliff eventually became a talking head for Fox News Channel. He still lives in his one bedroom apartment with his mother and wears white socks with his suits.

Carla Victoria Angelina Teresa Apollonia Lozupone Tortelli LeBec: Still dating losers, still having babies, still a waitress, still being rude and inconsiderate to customers. Hey, some people don't change.

Woody Boyd: After buying the bar from Sam, Woody decided to hire many of his family members to assist him with the day-to-day operations. Several criminal, federal and civil suits are still pending from that unfortunate choice as they are still trying to rebuild many blocks of Beacon Street after 'The Big Explosion". Surprisingly, Woody still remains a member of the city council while his wife, Kelly, helps pay for all of his legal bills.

Rebecca Howe: Rebecca is currently in hiding at this time. It turns out that it was she that caused "The Big Explosion" that rocked Beacon Street by smoking a cigarette while work was being done on the gas pipes. Woody, being the nice person that he was, decided to cover for her. However, with all of the lawsuits and criminal charges piling up around him she now has a $1 million dollar bounty on her head for whoever can kill her first.

Frasier Crane: We all know about Frasier's tenure as a radio psychiatrist on Seattle's KACL. But, after 11 years on the air he decided to pick up and head on out to Chicago, where a women he had recently met, Charlotte, had returned. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. So, returning back to Seattle, Frasier decided to take a long vacation in Hawaii. He was last seen boarding Oceanic Flight 815. He has not been heard from since.

Lilith Sternin-Crane: She's currently the host of the very popular syndicated show Dr. Sternin. Next week's episode: 'My Husband is Sleeping With my Stepdaughter's Sister-in-Law Who is An Abusive Drug Addict Who Steals Candy From Children...Yet, I Still Love Him'

"Coach" Ernie Pantuso: Looking down on everyone and smiling. Oh, and finally finishing his book...he's down to the last page.

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This might be humorous if it was written by someone actually connected to the show.

Let's ask Ken Levine.


July 09 2008 at 2:21 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Give the guy a break. It was at least imaginative.

July 09 2008 at 1:18 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
David Cook is my Idol!

I thought this was a funny article. I always figured there was something not human about Norm ;)

July 09 2008 at 12:20 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Sometimes attempts at humor fail so massively that they completely baffle their audience. Witness: "The Tortellis". Or, this column.

July 09 2008 at 12:14 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I thought this would be an update on what the actors were doing these days.

My mistake.

July 09 2008 at 11:37 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Wow. That was... unnecessary. Really. Stop. Please.

July 09 2008 at 11:25 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

How could Frasier be boarding the airplane that is in part a fictional creation from the mind of Diane Chambers?

July 09 2008 at 10:44 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Chuck's comment

If Frasier is fictional, and Diane is fictional, and the plane is the fictional invention of a fictional character, oh wait, I got bored in the middle of this long run-on sentence.

July 09 2008 at 11:01 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I don't understand the point of this article.

July 09 2008 at 10:24 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to RR's comment

I'm not sure, but I believe it was supposed to be humorous.

July 09 2008 at 10:55 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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