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October 20, 2014

Obituaries for your favorite Cheers regulars

by Paul Goebel, posted Jul 11th 2008 10:02AM

NORM!Do not adjust your web browser. You are now entering the Retro Squad, where we are reviewing past episodes of classic TV shows.

With the exception of Coach, no one knows exactly what became of the gang at Cheers. What follows is a collection of hypothetical obits for the regulars at everyone's favorite Boston hangout.

Hilary "Norm" Peterson
1948-2002

"Norm" Peterson was struck down by a fatal heart attack after attending a party honoring a friend in Seattle. Mr. Peterson was a loving husband, talented house painter and an accountant. He is survived by his wife Vera, who requests to be left to grieve in private. Services will be held at the The Hungry Heifer in Boston.

Gallery: Cheers Obits

Dr. Lilith Sternin
1958-2015

Dr. Sternin died this week under mysterious circumstances after an accident occurred at an undisclosed laboratory. It is rumored that she and her fellow researchers were exploring new ways to harness the energies of a variety of snack foods. Dr. Sternin is survived by her sons Frederick and Mortimer. Instead of flowers, friends are requested to make a donation to the Research for a Better Beer Nut Foundation.

Robin Colcord
1944-2027

After a long battle with Alzheimer's, Robin Colcord passed away last night due to complications caused by his refusal to confuse liquids. Surviving Mr. Colcord is his longtime companion and business partner Evan Drake.

Clifford Clavin
1947-2003

After retiring from the United States Postal Service Clifford Clavin finally married and lived out his dream of retiring to Burbank, California. He was a regular audience member at such shows as The Tonight Show and Jeopardy but in December of 2002 he disappeared while returning from the funeral of his longtime friend Norm Peterson. Mr. Clavin was legally pronounced dead after numerous petitions from his wife Carla Lozupone Tortelli Labec Clavin.

Rebecca Howe
1950-2020

Rebecca Howe died from complications caused by an ongoing struggle with a variety of eating disorders. After being left at the altar for a record eleventh time, Ms. Howe convinced herself that it was her weight that was keeping her from finding a husband. After living on a diet of cigarettes and grapefruit for over a year, she finally passed away weighing only 84 pounds.

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Phish

my brain hurts!

July 14 2008 at 2:11 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Dave

Sam Malone's STDs must have finally taken their toll on him. But scientists are making breakthroughs studying his body (which was donated because there was no family member to claim him) in multiple disease infestation due to the herpes (all complexes), HIV, and ringworm.

Woody Boyd perished in an electric can opener mishap. Theories on what may have happened have surfaced, but everyone knows why Woody died that tragic day: He was an idiot and ate the can and threw away the food.

July 11 2008 at 7:24 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
deebopalula

I mean really - when you guys went "retro-squad" on "Arrested Development", you really discussed and dissected several episodes and characters and plotlines. It was fun and interesting, brought back great memories of a great show and inspired a lot of dialogue from "A.D." fans who genuinely miss the show.

Was it easier because there were so few episodes of "A.D." to sort through? Is "Cheers" long run such a homework project for y'all that you're resorting to these lame and silly "stories"? I had interest in "Retro-Squad" when you first introduced it, but now it's kind of making me cringe when I see it.

July 11 2008 at 12:17 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Oreo

And people complain about me complaining, sheesh people....

July 11 2008 at 12:12 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
deebopalula

The TV Squad staff seems to have an awful lot of time on their hands lately (stress "awful").

July 11 2008 at 12:11 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
RR

Any chance that posts like this can have [Pointless] at the beginning of the title? Then I can auto-trash them using a rule in my RSS reader.

July 11 2008 at 11:42 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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