Super Skank Wednesday: 12 Pack's master plan, a quaint children's tale
After Sunday night's episode, I am reminded of the classic line from Steinbeck's novel, "The best laid plans of mice and men are often effed up by blondes with huge fake boobs and nasal voices." Or something like that. Or maybe it was from the Robert Burns' poem. But enough of this talk about low brow things like famous novels or poems. Let's get to I Love Money.
So I figured that I would retell "The Great Fable of 12 Pack" in a medium that all the cast members of I Love Money will understand: the picture book. A quaint children's story. A primer for young skanks, if you will. Let's get started...
The Great Fable of 12 Pack
There once was a mank named 12 Pack. He loved his patriotic spandex and his stripper girlfriend, but he wanted more. He wanted to eliminate WhiteBoy, a Jewish gangsta from Miami who would stand in between our guy 12 Pack and $250,000. 12 Pack consulted his abdominals and made a plan. He would get an alliance together.
12 Pack "I can has ur loyalty?"
And very early that morning (probably around noon), a great fellowship was forged (almost as great as the one with the ring). Megan, Brandi C., Destiney, and Mr. Boston would throw the competition. And 12 Pack would send WhiteBoy packing. Things started out well...
Megan: "I think I'm having a heart attack. I can't compete."
WhiteBoy: "Is Megan having a heart attack, yo?"
The green team lost the competition. WhiteBoy was sad. 12 Pack was happy. Megan was confused. Alas she was not wearing her bustier and was not prepared for WhiteBoy's difficult questions. "What do you think happened today?," he asked. "Umm," was all the she could muster. And just like that WhiteBoy had worked his gangsta magic. Megan became a turncoat.
WhiteBoy: "We could make a great team, yo. You a street soldier."
Megan: "Except with great boobs."
WhiteBoy: "No doubt, yo."
But Meghan just didn't turn herself. The blonde but-her-face started a mutiny. 12 Pack was left unawares and the green team went into the vault -- a vault from which they would emerge forever changed.
Mr. Boston fought by not following the plan himself. Afraid of WhiteBoy's Miami heat, Boston didn't raise his hand when WB's name was mentioned. It was a sad day for Boston. First, a wee-wee pad was put on his legs. And now, he didn't even have the stones to vote for WhiteBoy.
Boston: "If I put my check in the corner, WhiteBoy can't find it."
WhiteBoy: "What are you doing, yo?"
Boston: "Nothing, nothing at all. Nothing to see here."
But Boston's check made it into the box. And just like that our stud 12 Pack's plan was foiled. He had to pick one of his own alliance to get eliminated. It was a sad day for 12 Pack. He doesn't cry often. He didn't cry then either.
He held a team meeting to discuss which of the three should leave: Destiney, Mr. Boston, or Brandi C. 12 Pack, a man of his word, did not want to get rid of Destiney. This did not go over well.
Pumkin: "I....HATE....MY LIFE!!!!!"
Despite Pumkin's self-loathing, 12 Pack had to make a decision. A big boy decision. He pulled up his big boy panties and gave checks to Brandi C. and Destiney, eliminating the boy from Bean Town. But not before some drama...
Brandi C.: "Tell them! Tell them about Meghan!"
Meghan: "No, she's not my twin that they took out of a tumor in my neck. She's just a dog. And no, damn it, I don't have a but-her-face."
Little dog: "Somebody slap this bitch."
Brandi C.: "Thanks for saving me."
12 Pack: "I have a list of sexual favors. You can address it later."
And they all lived happily ever after. Except Mr. Boston and the little dog.
A very Happy Super Skank Wednesday to you!