The TV characters you can (or can't) trust with your money
Boy, what a mess! Unless you live out in a tar shack in the middle of Montana (writing your manifesto, obviously) you know that the United States, nay, the world, is facing one of the worst economic crises in this modern time. Stocks are plummeting, financial institutions are folding, credit is tighter than Miley Cyrus' chastity belt. People are pulling out their money left and right, trying to find a safe place to invest until all of the craziness dies down.
That, of course, is where we come in. Sure, first and foremost we are a website that features information on television. But, we also have access to some of the greatest financial gurus that were ever created by television writers. To assist you in the right investment choices, we have compiled a list of those we feel you could trust to invest your remaining funds in a wise manner. Also listed, as a public service, are those who you shouldn't consider giving a penny to during the harshest economic times.
So, before your 401(k) loses another percentage point, here are your choices.
Thurston Howell (Giligan's Island) - This was a toss-up for me. On the one side you could tell he was a man who saved and prepared for all types of circumstances. Just look at all of the stuff he and his wife brought on the boat for a piddly three hour tour. On the other side, he thought that throwing his money around to get his way on the island (hey, get your mind out of the gutter!) was the best way to win friends and influence people. That showed weakness. Still, I'll keep him on the trustworthy side of things due to his sense of preparedness.
Dr. Jack Hodgins (Bones) - Despite all of the conspiracy theories (which have been pushed away in favor of a coping anger) and the fact that he tries to act like everyone else, Jack is a very, very, very wealthy man. His family is one of the major contributors to the Jeffersonian, which is currently using its resources to help the FBI with special criminal cases. Any family that would apply their funds into an organization that seeks justice through science has my vote as a solid group to invest my money. Just as long as I could meet Angela. She's hot!
C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons) - Mr. Burns uses his untold wealth in the best way possible: securing a monopoly. Well, I meant 'best way possible' if we were living in the late 1890s or early 20th Century, which is when Mr. Burns seems to have been born. Sure, it's illegal in so many ways, but it's also a solid investment. We all need electricity, oil is expensive, and safe nuclear power is what's being touted all across the globe. While everyone has been complaining about his power plant, Mr. Burns has been on the precipice of the future. Plus, he has cut down the pregnancy rate in the Springfield since all of its male employees are probably sterile by now.
Scrooge McDuck (DuckTales) - Now, we're talking about the television character whose show was part of the very popular Disney Afternoon series of cartoons. This is not the character that started off as somewhat of a villain in the Disney comics of the 1940s. Scrooge McDuck is no quitter, unlike some of those who have pulled out of the market recently. According to Carl Barks, the man behind McDuck, the character is always willing to set new goals and face new challenges. "Always another rainbow", as Banks once said. If you are a risk taker as well, then Scrooge McDuck would be the person to trust your funds to. At least on a long-term basis.
Mr. Big (Sex and the City) - I was going to put Senor Grande into the 'Trustworthy' section of the post at first. But, then I thought about his relationship with Carrie throughout the entire run of Sex in the City. It was incredibly fickle. First they'd go out, then they wouldn't, then he got married but wanted Carrie, then they were friends. At the end of the series run they got together and by the movie they were about to marry, but then Mr. Big decided not to, then decided to go ahead with the ceremony. Seesh! How could you trust your money to a man who could not make up his mind? How the hell he was able to create the empire he rules over is beyond me.
The girls from Sex and the City - Posh lunches, fancy dinners, ritzy clubs full of expensive drinks. And clothes, shoes, hair, and accessories galore. Did any of these woman have any savings whatsoever? It seems like they spent it as soon as they got it. This was especially the case with Carrie, who wanted nothing but the best. No way could you trust your money to them: it would all be put into Louis Vuitton. And, I don't mean shares in the company. I mean it would be put into Louis Vuitton purses in order to purchase more Louis Vuitton products.
Louie DePalma (Taxi) - Sometimes giviing your money over to a person with no morals can be a good investment. Not in the case of Taxi's Louie DePalma. When you make your money by gambling with a child or stealing from the company you work for, that's considered bad taste, even for the most amoral type of investors. If I were you I'd avoid Louie and concentrate your money with some more respectable characters. The chief executives from AIG, perhaps. At least you know your funds will be invested in relaxing spa retreats that will let them think about how they can invest whatever money is left.
Peg Bundy (Married... With Children) - When you need to eat a Tang sandwich because your wife takes all of your money for 3-inch heels, bon-bons and cases of hair spray you have an issue. Al Bundy had that issue with his wife Peg, which is why he was "this close" to the poverty line so frequently. Now that I think about it, Al Bundy needs to be added to this list as well. All he could aspire to was a lousy job selling shoes? No ambition whatsoever. Trust them with your money and all you'll get is a fistful of nothing in return. Or, at the minimum, some Tang on two pieces of white bread.
Bruce Wayne (Batman) - Yeah, yeah, the Dark Knight swings through the air of Gotham City righting the wrongs committed by villains like Joker, Penguin and Two-Face. But, have you taken a look at his books lately? There's an awful lot of, um, loss on his ledger for those pieces of technology that have "mysteriously" disappeared while he has been CEO. You give Mr. Wayne your money and the next thing you know he's chasing Poison Ivy through the streets of Gotham on his souped-up Bat-Segway.
Milburn Drysdale (Beverly Hillbillies) - Mr. Drysdale was another character that I was going to add to the 'Trustworthy' category. I mean, it seemed like he was looking out for the best interests of the Clampett clan. But, then I realized why that was so: greed. The man wanted their money in his bank, gaining interest, with nary a penny withdrawn. That bastard! Well, he would have had his comeuppance today when his bank defaulted and he lost all of the Clampetts' fortune. Uh, you say that the Clampetts wouldn't have been insured under current FDIC laws because they had funds totaling over $250,000 in one bank? Then whey would have also been broke. Well, damn.
The guys from Big Bang Theory - How can you trust a group of guys who invest $200 apiece into a replica of the time machine used in the 1960 science fiction classic The Time Machine? Especially since they didn't read the fine print to discover it was a life-size replica of said time machine. Hold on. A $200 investment per person? That's-that's a steal! Let me get some cash. Where did I leave my Louis Vuitton Multiple billfold?