Election night! Election night! Let's check out the folks at CNN. Is Wolf Blitzer going to lose his mind? Is Anderson Cooper going to be pretty? Is John King going to lovingly stroke the magic board? Let's find out.

9:00: That's what we've got for now. I'll be back shortly with more updates-- and maybe we'll have a new president. Not that CNN will project that.

8:59: Soledad O'Brien is looking at demographic information with Mr. Magoo. Poor Mr. Magoo can't work the touch screen because he's not tall enough. Hilariously, this comes at the point in which they're talking about how age is a factor in the way people vote.

8:57: Drink. They're not even making a projection in Arizona.

852: Can someone tell me what is up with these clean coal commercials? This is the 7,000th one I've seen today.

8:48: James Carville looks more and more like a reanimated corpse every day.

8:47: Sure, they're not calling anything, but they seem to be writing McCain's eulogy.

8:45: It's about damn time Anderson Cooper came back.

8:36: Oh, snap. They're actually calling something. CNN calls Pennsylvania for Obama. That's a huge loss for McCain.

8:35: Drink.

8:32: Every time one of the anchors says they're "not calling it," drink.

8:28: McCain just lost New Hampshire, and Wolf Blitzer is going on and on about how much that must hurt. McCain's sitting in Phoenix all, "thanks, dude. I get it. It sucks. Move on."

8:25: Man, they're getting all of the commercials out of the way now that nothing is happening.

8:18: We learn from David Axelrod that Obama played basketball today. He and Wolf Blitzer talk about this for a long time. Hard-hitting political coverage, brought to you by CNN

8:05: The anchors are making it abundantly clear that they will not make projections based on exit polls! Man, you'd think they've been burned before on this or something.

8:00: Good evening everyone. The day is finally upon us. The end of this damn campaign is actually nigh. I've already been watching CNN for about an hour, and let me tell you: these dudes are crazy. Not only do the anchors all have collective hard-ons for their touch screens, but there have been actual holograms. Seriously.