If there's one universal among TV Christmas specials it's this: they all seem to want to tell you what the "true" meaning of Christmas is. There are so many specials trying to explain the true meaning of Christmas, it actually makes you wonder if the power of TV to influence has been exaggerated. I mean, you'd think after watching approximately eleventy-five billion hours of holiday programming, we'd have gotten the point already.

Perhaps the reason why America continues to view Christmas less as a time for spiritual reflection than as one for reindeer sweaters, crass consumerism, and suicide contemplation is because our Christmas specials aren't really sending the messages that they claim to be. Sure, on the surface we're told about "peace on earth and goodwill to men, blah blah blah", but there's a bubbling subtext in these specials if you only look hard enough.

I've decided to put my New Jersey state college English degree to good use and break down what Christmas specials are really saying...

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas

What it claims to be about: The Christmas Spirit trumps consumerism

What it's actually about: A check from CBS trumps all

A Charlie Brown Christmas is one of the most popular specials of all times because it attacks the out-of-control consumerism that serves as a constant threat to the "true meaning" of Christmas. You see, there's nothing Americans enjoy more than being told by a self-righteous cartoon that everything they're doing is wrong (see: The Rush Limbaugh Show).

Except it's hard to get excited about denying consumerism when that anti-consumerist message is obscured three times during the half hour by commercials. The irony is further accentuated when the characters telling you that Christmas isn't about toys or decorations are best known as ... toys and decorations.

Teaching anti-consumerism on a major network show like the Charlie Brown Christmas special is like having a meeting of the Child's Safety Network at the Neverland Ranch.

If Charles Schulz had really wanted to spread his message that Americans were forgetting what's important at Christmastime, he'd have done it in such a way that the kids watching wouldn't be subjected to a toy commercial every eight minutes. If he really didn't care about the same materialistic trappings that the rest of us care about, he wouldn't have plastered his characters on everything from the MetLife blimp to Snoopy brand nipple clamps (if they don't exist, they will eventually).

No, all A Charlie Brown Christmas teaches our children is that if you're going to sell out, make sure you hold out for a network, because that's where the real money is.

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

What it claims to be about: How the Christmas spirit can grow even a heart three sizes too small

What it's actually about: Jewish people sure are grumpy!

I confess it never occurred to me that the Grinch was a stand-in for Jewish people. Dahlia Lithwick explains the symbolism in her excellent piece for Slate called "Oy, Hark! A Jewish parent's guide to Christmas Specials."

Once Lithwick pointed it out, though, it made a lot of sense. The Grinch's main problem is that he's disconnected from the Christmas experience. Since he doesn't understand it, he begins to scorn it. One imagines that had he been able to pull off his Whoville heist, he would have spent the rest of Christmas day eating Chinese food and going to the movies.

It's troubling to think of the message, then, that the special is trying to send to kids: if someone doesn't understand Christmas or maybe doesn't like it very much because their major solstice holiday involves crappy gifts like socks, it must be because their heart is the wrong size. When you meet those people, don't try to understand them, rather do your best to convert them (ideally through singing and unconventional rhyming).

3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

What it claims to be about: You should accept people who are different than you

What it's actually about: If you're deformed, you better make sure that your mutation is useful to Santa

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a classic tale: a child is born with a horrible, horrible mutation, he is shunned by his father for it, teased mercilessly about it by his peers, then, finally, achieves acceptance when his tormentors come to their senses. On top of that, it's told with really wicked stop-motion animation that's as exciting to little kids as it is to their pot-addled older siblings.

If you look closely, however, this is not a tale about acceptance at all: it's a tale about utility. Rudolph is never accepted until after his nose mutation proves useful to Santa. This says to children that the only people worthwhile are the ones who can contribute to the economic well-being of society. There are Soviet-era propaganda films with less depressing subtext.

Don't believe me? Examine the story closer... it's all right there in the song:

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say
"Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in his-tor-reeeeeeee...

So, let me get this straight. Had his nose mutated in such a way that it couldn't help Santa deliver his toys, he'd be completely SOL? Let's say that he had grown four nostrils and an inability to smell gingerbread; can I assume that he'd still, to this day, be excluded from reindeer games?

If he were Rudolph the Really Really Hairy Reindeer, he'd be off the reservation -- until, I guess, Santa needed a reindeer-hair coat one extra-cold Christmas Eve.

What kind of cold, Darwinian organization is Santa running? Does he eliminate wheelchair ramps in the North Pole because that would make the disabled reindeer lazy?

If Rudolph really wanted to teach kids about tolerance, it wouldn't have tied Rudolph's acceptance by the other reindeer to his level of utility to Santa. Instead of saying that we can all contribute in our own way, it made misfit kids everywhere hope and pray that their particular physical problems would one day start glowing.

4. Every '80s Sitcom Christmas Episode

What they claim to be about: Santa Claus might be hiding around every corner!

What they're actually about: The only reason to be nice is because you might get presents for doing so

Let me paint you a picture: our favorite TV characters run into a seemingly insignificant older gentleman on or around Christmas Eve. At the end of the episode, the older gentleman disappears, but not before rewarding the kindness shown to him by giving everyone special (magical!?) gifts. There is shocked disbelief. Then someone finally says:

"Hey, that old guy... with the beard... you don't think he could have been..."

Cue the sleigh bells and a distant ho-ho-ho.

I'm thinking specifically here of episode 145 of Family Ties (Miracle in Columbus), but it could very well be the template for every single "special Christmas episode" that ran during the 80s.

I'm all for showing kindness to bearded strangers, but it feels unseemly to link every act of kindness to a tangible physical reward. Wouldn't it be truer to the Christmas spirit to show people performing random acts of kindness with no hope of something being given to them in return?

At the very least, it might be wise to teach children that not all overweight men who ask them to sit in their laps are actually Santa Claus in disguise. (Such wisdom, I imagine, might have saved Arnold and Dudley from a very harrowing experience at Gordon Jump's bike shop).

5. A Colbert Christmas

What it claims to be about: A scheme to make money off of original Christmas songs

What it's actually about: Stephen Colbert is awesome

And on that note, let me end by saying a hearty Merry Christmas to all who actually took the time to ignore their friends and family this Christmas season by spending it online with us. It's that kind of commitment to the dark and lonely corners of the internet that might make you the subject of your own Christmas special one day!

So as long as you've come this far, do me a favor and tell me the real meaning of some of the other Christmas specials in the comments. I can't be the only person with a New Jersey state college English degree (I know this because my college was offering them free to anyone who mailed in two proofs of purchase from any General Mills cereal).

Enjoy the holidays!

Jay Black is a writer and comedian who is best known for his work as the voice of "Kid Vid" for the Burger King Kid's Club. For more information about Jay or to catch one of his live shows, check out his website www.jayblackcomedy.com.