TV Squad Ten: 2009 predictions from the cracked crystal ball
Ah, 2009. Come in, come in! Have a seat at my crystal ball. Oh, I know it's cracked, but don't worry -- it's still useful.
You are so young, so virile, my little new year. You are also ripe...ripe for me to predict your future. I see plenty in my cracked crystal ball -- yes, yes, it's working just fine. Some of it is good, some is bad, and the rest I can't see because of all the cracks. Those predictions probably don't mean much anyway. I mean, Dustin Diamond being cast in a remake of Cop Rock? Who would believe such tripe?
Oh, don't get up! Yes, Allison gave us her predictions already, but that was with a different ball. So, sit, sit, and let me predict your future in television through my fractured sphere.
10. The February 17th digital TV conversion goes off with plenty of hitches (it is a government project after all), leaving millions of rabbit-eared citizens with nary a informercial to watch. These people, in turn, begin to do other things, like read and talk to each other. Eventually they become so enlightened that they all get together, build a spaceship, and lift off for another planet where they live a television-free existence.
9. CBS changes its name from the Columbia Broadcasting System to the Corporation of Bulk Spinoffs. They initiate the change by introducing spinoffs to Criminal Minds, NCIS, Two and a Half Men, The Mentalist, two future series, and The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric.
8. Jeff Zucker, in a total change of direction, decides to ditch the idea of putting Jay Leno on at 10:00 p.m. and, instead, dedicates all of the network's resources to producing original, scripted programming. It is later learned that Zucker was replaced by an alien Skrull intent on lulling the population of Earth with quality television while the planet was invaded.
7. After much criticism from fans about the cancellation of Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money and Eli Stone, ABC decides to bring back the programs. However, in order to save money they combine the three programs into one. The new title ends up being Pushing Eli's Dirty Sexy Daisies. For some reason, ratings of this series are boosted by porn viewers, ages 18-infinity.
6. Bravo once again capitalizes on their Real Housewives of... franchise with the premiere of Real Housewives of Nome. In the second episode the ladies converge on a fashion show/big bass competition. In a later installment one of the wives contemplates a move to the big city...of Juneau, that is. (Many apologies to the citizens of Juneau)
5. In a move that shocks the industry, FOX programming executives put House and Bones on Wednesday nights during the 2009-2010 season and leave them there for the entire year. Even when 24 and American Idol premiere. Unfortunately, it's revealed that Skrulls have also taken over the corporate offices at FOX. Fans of both shows begin a petition to keep the Skrulls as programmers.
4. Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin gets her own daytime talker titled You Betcha! Some of the segments featured in the premiere episode are how to skin a freshly killed fawn, the right lipstick to put on your pit bull, and proper techniques to use when being interviewed by a member of the press.
3. Jay Leno's new 10:00 p.m. show is such a success that NBC executives decide to eliminate all other primetime programming on their schedule and focus on Jay three hours a night, every night. A few weeks later, Jay has a nervous breakdown during one of the live shows. In a desperate attempt to fill all of that empty air, executives greenlight remakes of Supertrain and Pink Lady and Jeff. Amazingly, NBC shoots up to number one in the ratings.
2. After hearing 'Dawg' one too many times, Paula Abdul attempts to kill Randy Jackson during one of the performance episodes of American Idol. A melee between all four judges ensues, resulting in serious injuries across the board. For the rest of the season both Ryan Seacrest and Jay Leno, who has decided that AI would be less stressful than his other show, judge the remaining contestants. Regis Philbin takes Ryan's spot as host.
And, number one...
1. According to Jim is nominated for and wins several Emmy awards. Shortly afterwords the sun explodes, dinosaurs roam the planet once again, and the Earth is plunged into a black hole. Eh, probably for the best.