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October 7, 2015

TV Squad Ten: Stars who should have been roasted Instead of Larry the Cable Guy

by Danny Gallagher, posted Jan 27th 2009 11:08AM
Ah, the celebrity roast. Comedy Central resurrected the tried and true comedian ass-kiss off with hilarious specials featuring Denis Leary, Flavor Flav, Bob Saget and William #*$&$ing Shatner. Then came the capper: a roast of music legend Willie Nelson. It was a shift in evolution so great, it could have made Charles Darwin buy into the theory of intelligent design.

Then the network caused a global groan so loud that it shifted the tectonic plates when they announced that Nelson had to cancel and they would replace him with Larry the Cable Guy.

It's such an obvious and safe choice that might be a good recipe for ratings, but it's a sure fire recipe for boring. Here are the iconic stars who would have made much better kindling for a white hot comedy roast.

10. Will Ferrell – Comedy's current "It-King" practically has a bulls-eye on his forehead. Almost all of his movies follow the same tired format (really dumb but super confident guy has it all, then loses everything and has to regain it back by fighting an animal) and manage to be big hits. He uses his pudgy physique and Seth Rogan "Jew-fro" to anchor his icon status in the pop culture landscape. Every fraternity in the universe have been lobbying the Vatican to make him a saint. He deserves a shot has been taken down a few notches, to say, cardinal at least.

9. Courtney Love – The woman's name, much like Michael Jackson, Arnold Schwarzenegger and George W. Bush, has become a huge punch line and comedians could do a 24-hour roast of her if she could sit still that long. The only difference between Love and those other three are that she might actually agree to do a roast because she'll be too bombed out of her skull to know what she's signing. That is, assuming she has enough equilibrium and motor skills to sign her own name.

8. Traci Lords – This sexy starlet starred in movies that no one has ever watched and if they have, they either shop at the $1 DVD bin at Wal-Mart or have their computers regularly screened by the FBI's crime lab. This B-level, flirting with A-level status actress made a name for herself by almost bringing the adult film industry to a screeching halt. And who would know about that better than a bunch of punch-line drunk stand-up comedians who spend their downtime maxing out their credit cards on hotel Spectravision rentals?

7. Stephen King – The legendary horror author once called himself the "literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries," and given the fact he can write "Look behind you!" on a typewriter and get paid a million dollars for it, I can't think of anyone in or outside of show business who wouldn't want to take a bite out of him. It would also allow comedians to break yet another television taboo by giving them the perfect venue to tell the world's first uncensored puppy killing joke.

6. Tina Fey – Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing joke and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Miss Comedy herself would make a great foil for a Comedy Central roast because her sweetness and witty charm are ripe for the picking. It's the same reason why Mother Teresa would also make for a great roast victim.

Bruce Campbell5. Bruce Campbell – The name might not be familiar to anyone who doesn't worship him as a god, but he's had more success, stories and stardom in the entertainment business than most actors of his stature. The Burn Notice star's presence and timing alone has turned movies like Evil Dead and Bubba Hotep into cult favorites and earned him the undying endearment of horror fanboys across the globe. Plus, his giant man chin possesses magic powers and the ability to control time, so one wrong comment can send some poor whiskey soaked comic hurdling through the stratosphere never to be heard from again. Hopefully, it will be Dane Cook

4. Jimmy Kimmel – The former Man Show host and Win Ben Stein's Money comic relief used Comedy Central to turn him into a household name. What better way to welcome the Prodigal Son back to the house that birthed him than by tearing him a new one? That's what he gets for never calling.

3. Bill O'Reilly – The chances of this happening aren't great since a sense of humor is required to participate as the victim of a roast. But he has appeared on The Daily Show and Late Night with David Letterman and made a legendary appearance on The Colbert Report where he took some thoughtful, well-reasoned ribbing. So that chance isn't "Karen Carpenter slim." The network would need to offer him some bait, perhaps newly elected Sen. Al Franken as roastmaster, a huge signing bonus that would dwindle anything Rupert Murdoch could offer or even a small defenseless baby in his gift basket.

2. Ringo Starr – Comedians always see the world has half-empty. So when you're the least popular member of the most popular musical group of all time, the irony couldn't be more delicious if it was smothered in whipped cream and served with a side of ovulating supermodels. And Starr would take it all in stride, because even if you're the lowest rung on the highest ladder in the recording industry, you can still sleep well at night knowing that you're sleeping on a giant mattress stuffed with money.

1. Willie Nelson – I don't blame ol' Willie for pulling out of the roast and putting his music career first. In fact, that makes me respect him even more. But the potential for a kick-ass roast and the fact that they replaced his space with a unfunny hack quenched any flame of hope for a good time. Any time anyone anywhere ever replaces Willie Nelson with Larry the Cable Guy, abandon all hope ye who enter because you're in Hell, my boy or maybe Branson, Missouri.

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I heartily raise my glass for Bruce Campbell... I have loved him forever and his role as SAM on Burn Notice is just the icing on the cake. I count down the minutes to Thursday nights to see him in action.

January 28 2009 at 10:41 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Jack Bauer, just for what happens afterwards.....

January 28 2009 at 10:15 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

What they need to do is go back to the annual Friar's Club roasts where for the most part, the roastees are deserving (and often comedians themselves).

January 27 2009 at 9:11 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Do you think that Traci Lords has ever stopped to ponder the fact that if she had waited until she was 18 to start doing porn, she'd probably still be doing porn?

January 27 2009 at 8:36 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Diego M

oh seth mcfarlane would be a good roast

January 27 2009 at 4:12 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Diego M

that's ur list?

Howard stern would be funny
Cheech and Chong? they out of jail?
ashton kutcher - he is such a douche bag
Diddy - he is an attention whore would probably enjoy it.
Ferrell definetly needs one
jack black - another dude with the same schtick in every movie, except king kong
ben stiller -
any women worth roasting other than Pam and tina fey? paris and all them bitches be too easy "whores with no talent haha"

January 27 2009 at 4:10 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I like the Kimmel idea, he's the best roastmaster (host) and all the best roasters are his friends (Ross, Atell, Giraldo, Silverman, Lampanelli, etc.) plus it may give us a Howard stern cameo

January 27 2009 at 1:40 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

You know who else would be better than Larry the Cable Guy. Anyone! Even an actual cable guy.

January 27 2009 at 11:27 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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