South Park 1, Jonas Brothers 0 - VIDEOS

South Park kicked off their 13th season (dear God, did I just say 13th? I couldn't feel older right now if I had to get my bifocals to read the instructions on a box of Depends) the way the show's longtime fans expect them to kick off every season: by kicking the latest flavor of the month, flash in the pan whatever square in the bean bag.

Sometimes their target is a woman, of course, and that's when they do whatever women call it when they get so mad, they physically want to fight each other. I believe the word is "hot as #*$(ing hell."

I cheated and looked it up on Wikipedia. Sorry.

This time, that plop of girl pop pulp the Jonas Brothers got the business end of South Park's pointy wit stick (from the makers of the "saucy drama spatula"), and none of them were safe from its sharp jabs. Not even sweet smiling Joe. He actually got his face kicked in halfway through the show. You could literally hear a million parents thanking them.

This time, Kenny gets to enjoy some time in the spotlight that doesn't involve his brutal death or horrific disfigurement, at least not immediately. Kenny (no surprise) gets a girlfriend, and a rumor starts to spread that Kenny's new girl is a slut. This scares the boys, but sends Kenny into a joy seizure. Some of the funniest bits in this episode come from Kenny's silent act. He literally dances with white-man joy as his best girl describes how she always gets hot listening to the Jonas Brothers. It reminded me of Ernie Kovacs' Eugene character, the guy who created comedy by saying nothing. And yes, I believe I have just written the world's first Dorian Grey reference, one so old that I can feel myself getting younger by the minute.



This is where the show begins to take its zany, twisted turn into reality. The Jonas Brothers are caricatured the way all older brothers with prepubescent little sisters think they actually are, even though they wouldn't dare watch a minute of them to confirm their suspicions. They sing about getting with girls, use the word "baby" more often than a third-rate Frank Sinatra impersonator, and grind so hard on stage, you can actually make pepper with their pelvises.



But off-stage, they are just simple, good-hearted Christian boys who hand purity rings to their backstage groupies and profess the wonders of saving yourself for marriage. Kenny gets sucked into the chaste life by his whore girlfriend in the hopes she'll eventually live up to her title. Instead, it launches him into a dull, chastity coma that only Phil Collins records could replicate. Yes, the Jonas Brothers cause more physical and mental damage to the human body than Phil Collins. If that doesn't make you wish you could pull your spine out of your back to make it stop shivering, then you're not human.

For me, the return of a new season of South Park in the spring is like the return of football in the fall. It sneaks up on you like a surprise party, and the first kickoff sets the tone for the rest of the season. Wednesday's premiere did what every classic South Park does best: use the scum of popular culture to satirize important social issues. And, of course, kill Kenny.

South Park is back! Life makes sense again.