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October 7, 2015

TV Squad Ten: The hottest MILFs on TV today

by Danny Gallagher, posted Mar 24th 2009 2:01PM
TV MILFsThe MILF has become a staple of the modern male's sexual appetite, along with groveling and porn.

How did this evolution occur? Did the average young male grow tired of trying to impress shallow women their own age who wouldn't pay attention to them if a shark was eating them? Were older women going broke from the rising cost of chlorophyll? What chemical imbalance caused this carnivorous and shallow love affair and how can I increase it without melting my brain in the microwave?

Maybe the true answer is like opening the Ark of the Covenant. The only way to walk away from its truth unscathed means not opening your eyes to it. So here are the hottest TV moms who could make any guy turn his knob in their direction (thanks to the digital switch, that innuendo no longer works so enjoy that image I put in your head).

TV Squad: Top MILFs

    10. Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria), 'Desperate Housewives'

    Susan Delfino is nice, but Gabrielle is definitely the hottest mom on Wisteria Lane. She has the stacked looks of a successful model, a feisty charm that oozes from every pore of her personality and a taste for young guys that gives her the extra spice of possibility. If she hires you to do her lawn, chances are you'll work up a sweat before you even gas up the lawnmower.

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    9. Sarah Connor (Lena Headey), 'Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles'

    Sarah's toned body conditioned from years of running from deathbots makes her hot, but the sense of danger that comes from her ability to kill anyone with a toothpick could set off fire alarms. If you approached this fugitive mommy for her number, her paranoia gland would kick in and she would probably kill you on the spot. Your lifeless corpse would sport a smile that couldn't be removed with a 200 horsepower belt sander.

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    Fox Broadcasting

    8. Joy Darville (Jaime Pressly), 'My Name Is Earl'

    Her non-superficial qualities rank her attractiveness to somewhere just below a pile of garbage that's been puked on by a homeless guy. She's manipulative, totally self-absorbed, rude, selfish, conniving and even jealous of people who she has wronged. Her superficial qualities, however, more than make up for the rest of her. Screw karma, unless karma is twice as hot as Joy, which would be a lot.

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    7. Claire Littleton (Emilie de Ravin), 'Lost'

    High school boys who spend all of their time trying to imagine what a boob feels like often play the "What If" game where they ask their friends which mega hottie they would like to be stranded with on a deserted island. Claire is literally that mega hottie and she's a new mommy who is on her own, so she's lonely and extremely vulnerable. Guys couldn't find better odds of scoring if their junk was made of chocolate.

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    6. Nancy Botwin (Mary-Louise Parker), 'Weeds'

    Chances are if you are mixed up with this suburban hottie, you're either a rival drug dealer trying to horn in on her business or just the wrong guy in the wrong place at the right time. Still, starting an underground drug ring in a suburban neighborhood takes guts and looking over your shoulder after every date for the threat of a drive-by adds a sense of danger that could only come from dating Lorena Bobbitt or one of the Gottis.

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    5. Marge Simpson, 'The Simpsons'

    This famous mother of three has a sweet disposition, a caring heart and a level of patience that is usually only seen in people who suffer from prolonged comas. It also doesn't hurt that she's damn hot. Don't think so? She looks just as attractive as she when she first appeared on our analog TVs over 400 episodes ago. You turn 50 and just try to defy God's will.

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    4. Rita Bennett (Julie Benz), 'Dexter'

    She may look like your typical blonde hottie who still looks like she has time for the gym, even though she has given birth to two kids, but her beauty goes beyond that. It takes either a special kind of crazy or courageousness to suspect that your boyfriend is a serial killer and still end up marrying him. Some might call that a desperate, screaming flee from eternal loneliness. I call it unwavering acceptance of the man she loves.

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    3. Izzie Stevens (Katherine Heigl), 'Grey's Anatomy'

    She is the blonde beauty that every hormonally imbalanced teenage boy hopes to score with, minus an extremely loose sense of morals and a pair of boobies that could be used for extra shelf space. This doctor was pretty enough to put herself through medical school by working as a lingerie model. She's also a technical MILF since she gave birth to a baby at 16 and had to give it up for adoption. She's a total MILF minus the MILF's main flaw: kids.

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    2. Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger), 'CSI'

    This mommy babe easily scores all B's on her report card: boobs, brains and boobs. The sultry level 3 CSI easily turns a lot of nerdy heads away from their microscopes when she shows off her stuff around the lab, an already easy feat for a former Vegas pole dancer who already has strutting down to a (no pun intended because I'm being paid to write better stuff that this) science.

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    Andrew MacPherson, CBS

    1. Tami Taylor (Connie Britton), 'Friday Night Lights'

    Perhaps one of the greatest TV mysteries is why the entire female population of Dillon, Texas is a buxom blonde with Hollywood grade hooters. But that is exactly what makes Tami Taylor such a hot role model. She's not only achingly beautiful, but she's tough, smart, wise beyond her years and the most loving TV mom and wife in recent memory. She also has a set of knockers that makes me want to call a button-hook play in my pants.

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Other additions to the list could be: DR. BEVERLY CRUSHER(Star Trek:The Next Generation),LWAXANA TROI(Star Trek:The Next Generation),MAJOR KIRA NERYS(she was a SURROGATE mom in Deep Space Nine),MORTICIA ADDAMS(The Addams Family),MARTHA KENT(Smallville),and just to round out my list,JULIA WINSTON(the mother of Horatio Caine's son in CSI:MIAMI).

May 05 2009 at 10:14 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Paul Goebel

Something about this list seems familar...

Maybe it's just ME!

April 07 2009 at 1:25 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Since I have never watched most of these shows, the only comment I have is that Marg Helgenberger doesnt belong on this list and certainly not at number 2. Whatever dubious attractiveness she still has is ruined by the fact that she dresses totally inappropriately for both her age and her job. She is trying way to hard to look younger, and it comes of as looking desperate ,to me.
When I still watched CSI, she was always by far my least favorite character. First of all, she is not nearly as "hot" as she thinks she is, or as the other characters pretend she is. Second, someone with her dancer/stripper past, her self-absorbed, me first personality, masquarading as toughness, and her train wreck life would never, in real life, be treated with the degree of respect and friendship that she is on the show. In a real workplace, someone who strutted around flaunting her body unnecessarily, running roughshod over other people as if her needs and priorities are the only ones that matter and who'se disasterous lifestyle affects her job and makes things harder on her co-workers, would be shunned as a pariah. She certainly wouldnt be revered or thought of as a friend.
Lastly, most guys I know would trample all over Marg to get to Eva Longoria.

March 25 2009 at 12:58 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I don't watch any of these shows, but I have to agree that: 1. Connie Britton is a good choice; and 2. January Jones is sorely missing.

March 25 2009 at 11:14 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Connie Britton is smoking hot, but how could you leave off Julia-Louis Dreyfus?

March 25 2009 at 8:22 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Hey Danny,
This is a really great top ten list, Rita Bennett is my #1, can't believe she has 2 kids. Marge Simpson is a bit of a stretch, but I thought it was amusing. You can post this to our site http://www.toptentopten.com/ and then link back to your site. We are looking for top ten lists and our users can track back to your site. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.

March 25 2009 at 2:12 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Photo galleries are just terrible.

March 24 2009 at 9:35 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Mary Louise Parker should be first.

And Sun Kwon [played by Yunjin Kim] on Lost.

March 24 2009 at 8:54 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Georgie's comment

Gave up on Lost after one episode. . . but Mary Louise Parker is #1 in this competition. No equivocation. . #1.

April 29 2009 at 12:51 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

If I would have thought of a good line to spew over this, yours would have been it.

March 24 2009 at 7:51 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Riley Freeman

10, 9 and 8 i agree everything else wack

March 24 2009 at 7:09 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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