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October 25, 2014

Seven TV dads we're glad aren't ours

by Danny Gallagher, posted Jun 21st 2009 10:22AM
World's Worst Dad mugFathers' Day should be a time of deep reflection and appreciation for the man who brought you into this world, whether you asked him to or not.

Oh sure, the old man may seem like the worst father of all time sometimes. He yells and screams. He gets on you for growing your hair too long because he knows he couldn't grow hair if he had a Chia Scalp. He constantly walks around the house in his underwear and then scolds you for not eating the sausage Mom made for breakfast.

But a few minor flaws doesn't mean that he's a bad guy. So go out and get him that witty card with the pipe smoking Dad on the cover, pick out a paisley tie that you'll never see him wear and give him a big hug to remind him he's the best. Because he's your old man and he's not one of the seven bastard sons of hell below.

7. Ken Titus on
Titus Stacy Keach as Ken Titus on Titus
Chris Titus' dad raised his boys to be self-sufficient men by subjecting them to the kind of discipline that would get a drill sergeant fired...out of a cannon. He drank every waking moment of the day and let his kids suffer unspeakable pain all in the name of learning a valuable lesson, but still put his kids and family unless his kids or his family got in the way of scoring with a smoking hot babe or another beer. Having such a drunken whore mongering love hound for a Dad might have made our childhood harder, but at least you would know what to get him for Fathers' Day.

6. Peter Griffin on Family GuyPeter Griffin from
Peter is a hard guy to like. He always puts his more primal needs ahead of anyone else's and loves a good laugh as long as it's at someone else's expenses, the closer to him the better. He also seems to have the intellect and basic common sense of a cartoon dog, which not only makes him a bad person but an even worse father, both as a male role model and a regular procreator. The only reason I'd give him a tie on Fathers' Day is if I knew he would hang himself with it.

5. George Bluth Sr. on Arrested DevelopmentJeffrey Tambor as George Bluth on Arrested Development
Having a relative in prison is no fun. Having your Dad in prison is a virtual nightmare, especially when he leaves you to run his struggling company and his even more struggling family who hang like John Holmes on the family patriarch for guidance. That nightmare grows when even prison can't deter him from creating more legal headaches than a Bush Administration memorandum. Having George Bluth for a Dad wouldn't just require keeping a lawyer on retainer. It would require keeping a lawyer behind a breakable pain of emergency glass.

4. Frank Costanza on Seinfeld Frank Costanza on Seinfeld
A man as pathetic and petty as George Costanza could only come from the loins of a neurotic and demeaning loudmouth who yells more often than hyenas. Frank doesn't just have the ability to be loud and annoying. He has the rare ability to make anyone's kids feel completely stupid about the most miniscule things. He doesn't even celebrate Christmas with his family! Even Kevin Federline sends the little ones a half-eaten candy cane and a box of used socks every Dec. 25th.

3. Nick Tortelli on Cheers Dan Hedaya as Nick Tortelli on Cheers
Carla's first husband is the kind of Dad that makes you ashamed of the person who thought up "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." His constant scheming and leeching can make the strongest man feel like he's attached himself directly on their backs. His second marriage alone to a tall, bubbleheaded beauty would make the most open-minded man pray for state-approval procreation.

2. Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordon on 30 Rock
This prima donna is the kind of comedy superstar who should never have kids because even they will have to play second banana to the breadwinner. His arrest record aside, just being around the man on a daily basis would make even the most loving child pray for a probation violation. He doesn't just walk around the house in his Jack Daniels boxers or a bathrobe that's always "open for business." He admitted to Conan O'Brien that he walks around his family completely naked just to show his oldest boy "who has the biggest ding-dong." That alone proves he's the biggest ding-dong.

1. Ted on How I Met Your MotherJosh Radnor as Ted on HIMYM
Imagine being woken up in the middle of the night by your terrified and heavily breathing father. His face looks as though it has gotten a front row view of the mouth of Hell. Is the house on fire? Has a serial killer broken into the house? Did someone have an accident, the kind that often happens late at night but doesn't happen in a car? No, he's manically woken you because he remembered the girl that broke his heart before he shacked up with your mother. Take that moment and repeat it over the rest of the course of your childhood. You'll not only wish that you had never been born. You'll try to break the mystery of time travel in order to stop your parents from ever meeting.

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David Edwards

One vote for Leland Palmer. Ben Horne for that matter.

June 22 2009 at 10:48 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
adriiiii

What about Dexter??? xD

June 22 2009 at 4:52 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Tony DIMeo

Why is ted here he's not a dad on the show he's barely seen as a dad we don't know how long he's telling his kids about his prior life

June 21 2009 at 6:57 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Carl

I'd add John Locke's dad from Lost. That dude was a kidney-stealing bastard.

June 21 2009 at 4:00 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Carl's comment
Hashbrown_Hunter

Oh and there was that little time when HE PUSHED LOCKE DOWN AN 8-STORY BUILDING.

June 22 2009 at 2:55 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kelly

I don't get the Ted Mosby pick, and agree that it probably should have been Al Bundy.

June 21 2009 at 2:54 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
2 replies to Kelly's comment
Hashbrown_Hunter

Yeah Ted actually seems like one of those 'uber-dads'. If you wanted someone from HIMYM, should've gone with Barney.

But Al Bundy should definitely be up there. And where's the love for Homer?

June 21 2009 at 3:19 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
scioto slim

Ted may not deserve to be number 1 but he is a huge douche bag. If you think about it most of his stories are not things a kid wants to hear from their dad. You know kids before i met your mother i beat Uncle Barney to the threesome belt let me tell you about it in detail.

June 24 2009 at 12:05 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Dave

Great call on Titus...

June 21 2009 at 12:56 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
dusiek

Al Bundy should have been on top of that list.

June 21 2009 at 12:14 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
2 replies to dusiek's comment
Greg

You'd think so, but he's actually a pretty good father, all things considered. At the end of the day, no matter how much he doesn't want to, he sticks with his family.

Same goes for Homer.

June 21 2009 at 4:36 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
GL

Greg is dead on about Al Bundy. No way does he fit on this list.

June 21 2009 at 8:47 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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