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October 25, 2014

Seven greatest hand cannons in TV history

by Danny Gallagher, posted Jul 4th 2009 3:10PM
Remote Control GunThere are a lot of really horrible things that have put America on the map: Jerry Springer, our ability to infuse anything edible with cheese, the fact that we're probably working on infusing something inedible with cheese.

Guns, however, shouldn't be one of them. The Second Amendment stands as one of many great testaments to the idea of freedom that our forefathers envisioned for their people. They felt a government should trust their people with great responsibility if they truly believed in the concept of freedom and democracy.

Sure, if they came to the present and saw that we primarily use that responsibility for hunting moose from helicopters and negotiating with the Domino's guy they might take it right back, but the idea is what's important.

So to celebrate one of America's latest of many birthday to come because fireworks are technically illegal in my neck of the woods, here are your TV's seven greatest guns.

7. Fiona Glenanne's Walther PPK (Burn Notice)
Fiona Glenanne and her Walther PPKIf you're going to play the spy game, you'd better have the right joystick and nothing works better than James Bond's gun of choice. This sleek semiautomatic pistol may look as sleek and slender hand that's gripping it, but it packs a mean punch if you rub it the wrong way. This is one girl who better be able to see both of your hands during every dance, or you might not get one of them back.

6. Vic Mackey's Smith and WessonVic Mackey and his Smith and Wesson (The Shield)
If you're the kind of guy who likes to get the job done without having to waste expensive, city funded bullets, the Strike Team leader's hand cannon of choice can bring the toughest gangbanger to their knees with a flick of the boomstick. Mackey seems to favor the Smith and Wesson (Smith and Wesson are also the nicknames I give my bulging arms, left and right respectively), even up until that silent, memorable ending where it was the only thing he had left in the world that he could trust.

5. Stephen Colbert's .38 Special Stephen Colbert and Sweetness(The Colbert Report)
Some gun lovers pick their favorite side arm. For others, their side arm picks them. Colbert's "Sweetness" has never left the side of his arm since he started the show and "Sweetness" has never let him down. She has a special kinship with Stephen in the same way a young boy has an imaginary friend who tells him to kill people in their sleep. Stephen would probably marry Sweetness if it the Bible allowed it.

4. Maxwell Smart's Three-Way-Gun (Get Smart)
What's better than one gun? How about two more that are attached to the same trigger and pointed in perpendicular directions? Agent 86 never seemed to stick a single gun since the boys in the lab could hide in a firearm in everything from a hairbrush to a violin. This triple-threat helped Smart escape him and an old Army buddy played by Don Rickles escape from three KAOS agents in a single, er, triple shot.

3. Rick Hunter's Desert EagleRick Hunter and his Desert Eagle (Hunter)
This rulebook-breaking homicide detective doesn't just use a Desert Eagle because it can blow away the rulebook in a single shot. It holds more sentimental power than firepower. His Mafia grandfather gave him the gun as a graduation gift, so it seems only fitting that a gun given by a criminal should be use to stamp it out. That and because it can blow a hole in a Buick LaSabre that's parked on the other end of a brick wall.

2. Sledge Hammer's Magnum (Sledge Hammer!)
The San Francisco Police Inspector had more guns in his arsenal than most Bolivian warlords, but his favorite firearm was his custom built ivory handle .44 Magnum. It was the Starsky to his Hutch, the Jake to his Fatman, the Kate to his Allie. He blows away no-good-yogurt-eatin' creeps with it. He talks to it. He even (ick) sleeps with it. Maybe we shouldn't be that sad that the show didn't make it to season three.

1. Captain Kirk's phaser Captain Kirk and his phaser(Star Trek)
Your goal might to be explore new worlds, seek out new civilizations and unite the galaxy through a message of peace and hope, but you can't achieve peace without shooting a few people who get in the way of the peace. And just to please the gun control crowd, it comes with a stun feature that temporarily paralyzes its victims to prevent the unnecessary threat to innocent life. Unless that innocent life happens to be a hot alien babe in need of some deep space exploration. Then it's set phasers to kill.

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Wes

Nice way to honor the 2nd amendment!

July 13 2009 at 7:08 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Robin

What about Han Solo's blaster pistol? (EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE)

July 07 2009 at 6:37 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Robin's comment
D-Bo

Han shot first!

July 15 2009 at 1:48 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Alicia R.

No Vera? No Stargate P-90?

July 07 2009 at 12:33 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Alicia R.'s comment
wade

The FN p-90 is one hell of a gun but not a handgun. Even in it's civilian duds the SP-90 (no longer fully automatic) it's still one heck of a gun and becauseof it's horizontal magazine loading the receiver near the but of the gun, a "legal" 16" barrel is still a short weapon (good for in close work in urban jungles) although I'll be darned if I know what it's really good for in "real life" except being real cool and the gun carried on Stargate...

July 07 2009 at 6:52 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
D-Bo

Mackey had to turn in the LAPD issue S&W 4506 after he quit though he carried a Desert Eagle .357 magnum.

July 07 2009 at 5:19 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Big John

another terribly ridiculous tv squad column

July 06 2009 at 10:08 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Bruce

Hawk (Avery Brooks) Spenser for Hire

July 05 2009 at 9:49 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
KIrsch

What about Batman's bomb goo launcher from The Dark Knight?

July 05 2009 at 4:40 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
antikorper

or mr friendlys rope thingy from lost?

July 05 2009 at 4:09 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to antikorper's comment
KIrsch

Toms rope thingy is not a gun

July 05 2009 at 4:40 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
antikorper

jack bauer. anyone?

July 05 2009 at 4:09 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
freedom55

This post makes me glad to be Canadian.

July 05 2009 at 3:24 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to freedom55's comment
RDF

I AM GLAD YOU ARE A CANADIAN. STAY THERE.

July 09 2009 at 7:25 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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