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September 1, 2014

Jane After Dark: Eight things I learned while watching Gossip Girl

by Jane Boursaw, posted Aug 23rd 2009 11:17AM
Gossip Girl
I'm almost to the end of Gossip Girl season two, and frankly, I couldn't be happier! It's been quite taxing watching rich snobs backstab their best friends night after night. I'll need a short break before season three premieres on The CW on Sept. 14.

But, as with everything, I try to glean some small bits of wisdom here and there, things to help me in my quest for peace, serenity, and large amounts of cash. Here are a few things I've learned from Gossip Girl:

1. Never tell the truth.
Apparently, this is the first thing they learn in finishing schools. Never tell the truth, whether you're lying to your best friend about getting into Yale, lying to your girlfriend about where you've been for the past three days, or lying to your kids about their sibling you gave away at birth. Keep a spreadsheet handy to keep track of all the various lies you've told and plan to tell.

2. Never leave home without your cell phone.
What DID these people do before the invention of cell phones, speed dials, texting, and mobile feeds from gossip sites? Why, they must have been utterly out of the loop.

3. If you get a text message from a friend, drop everything and rush to their side. Even if it's on the other side of town, and even if they're not your friend on that particular day. Use part of your spreadsheet to keep track of who's your friend on any given day.

4. Break up and make up no less than six times a year. I've lost track of how many times Serena and Dan have broken up and made up; maybe it's in their pre-non-nup contract or something. And if you do break up with someone, make sure to have sex with someone else that very night.

5. Talk fast. All the time. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you talk so fast that the sentences are almost unintelligible. And throw in a few non-descript giggles here and there to break up the rat-a-tat banter.

6. Never ever eat anything. Apparently, rich people possess a gene that allows them to survive without eating anything, even though the house staff provides a steady spread of gourmet food from morning til night. Drinking? That's another story. Drink all day long, whatever's handy.

7. Treat the house staff like dogs.
And in fact, make them do your public service duty and pick up after dogs in the park, after you've hazed a teacher to get back at your best friend and/or boyfriend and/or a total stranger.

8. Look good. All the time.
This is the most important rule of all. Whether you're sparking with a former lover or kissing your best friend's little sister, be sure you're wearing Armani and/or carrying a Prada handbag.

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