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April 18, 2014

Friday the 13th: Who Are TV's Unluckiest Characters?

by Jane Boursaw, posted Nov 13th 2009 12:00PM
True Blood, Anna Paquin as Sookie StackhouseFriday the 13th seems like the perfect time to offer our condolences to some of TV's unluckiest characters. Oh, they try their best to lead happy, healthy lives, but their karma will have none of it.

Instead, these poor souls are destined to sweat, strain and struggle their way through life as best they can, whether it's cleaning up the blood of loved ones or looking into a dismal future.

Read on for our sympathy notes to a few unfortunate souls on the tube...True Blood, Anna Paquin as Sookie StackhouseFriday the 13th seems like the perfect time to offer our condolences to some of TV's unluckiest characters. Oh, they try their best to lead happy, healthy lives, but their karma will have none of it.

Instead, these poor souls are destined to sweat, strain and struggle their way through life as best they can, whether it's cleaning up the blood of loved ones or looking into a dismal future.

Read on for our sympathy notes to a few unfortunate souls on the tube...

1. Sookie Stackhouse ('True Blood'). Oh, Sookie. Our hearts weep for you, as you routinely mop up the blood of loved ones who've perished in your little town of Bon Temps, Louisiana. Not to mention all those mysterious creatures you deal with on a daily basis. But let's get some perspective here. They're not ALL bad. Among the serial killers, fake exorcists and Maenads, there's at least one good vampire who pines for you and wants to make you his own. We hope you'll take time out of your busy schedule of slinging catfish at Merlotte's to make it happen -- if Bill Compton surfaces again, that is. But don't worry, Sookie. We're betting he will.

2. Jack Bauer ('24'). Poor Jack. All you ever do is work for the common good -- we've lost count of how many times you've saved the world from ultimate ruin -- but your karma is in need of a serious overhaul. From watching your wife die to killing your partner, it's been nothing but loss and grief for you, Jack. And do you ever get a break from the powers that be? Never! That whole "no good deed goes unpunished" has your name next to it in the dictionary.

Dr. Wilson on House3. Dr. James Wilson ('House, M.D.'). Wow, you pulled the short straw, dude. Not only did the grouchy Dr. House inadvertently kill the love of your life, but now you have to live with him! We're really sorry about that, but hey, at least you can keep an eye on him, so you know exactly how he's going to ruin your life next. And the whole situation works for us, because we really like it when you two squabble like lovebirds and keep each other up at night with your "talking to the dead" thing. Come on, you know House is helping you cope -- in his own dysfunctional, damaged way.

4. Vicki Donovan ('The Vampire Diaries'). Vicki, we hardly knew ye! While you were never a model teenager -- doing drugs in the cemetery doesn't exactly put you on the honor roll -- you didn't deserve to be bitten and turned by a dysfunctional vampire who's got relationship issues. If that isn't bad enough, you suffered the worst fate a vamp can suffer: a stake through your heart! Or ... did you ... ? We're hoping your soul and/or body is still hanging around somewhere because we were just getting to like you.

5. Olivia Dunham ('Fringe'). You really need to get a life, girl. You know, like the one you had before your FBI lover was killed and you started seeing visions of him until you guys said your goodbyes on the dock. Is he really gone? Well, who knows for sure, what with that alternate universe lurking nearby. But until you see him again (if you're really you, that is), you'll have plenty of Walter's red licorice and root beer floats to put a smile on your face. That's right -- smile. We know you can do it.

6. Mark Benford ('FlashForward'). We haven't known you that long, but we can already see that things aren't looking good for you. Not only is your wife probably going to have an affair sometime in the next six months, but she's already met the guy and he's been in your house! That sucks. We'd tell you to take comfort in your work, but the feds are already taking a hands-off approach to your theories. Might be time for you to take a Jack Bauer approach and go rogue, but we all know how well that's worked out for him. Good luck with that. And stay away from the whiskey.

Violet Turner on Private Practice7. Violet Turner ('Private Practice'). We know you're a good therapist, Violet, which is why you probably realize that you yourself need a good therapist. Maybe Dr. Paul Weston has room on his couch for you. Of course, right now the top issue is having that psycho paralyze you, cut your baby out of you, and leave you to die in a pool of your own blood. That blows. But let's face it. You've been messed up for years, starting with the affair you had with a married man. But now you've got two -- count 'em, two! -- great guys who'd do anything for you. We see a healthy, productive life in your future, Violet. Just call Dr. Weston. Do it now.

8. Ellen Parsons ('Damages').
Things started out so great for you, Ellen, with your bright future as a top-notch lawyer looming beautifully ahead. But yowza, things spiraled fast, didn't they? Your fiance was murdered in cold blood, sending you down a treacherous trail of lies, backstabbing and that hot mess Patty Hewes. We think that old saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" is just the ticket for you. If only you knew which was which. Hopefully, the guy in your life now has a nice big arsenal in his closet. You never know when that will come in handy.

Sound off: Who do you think are TV's unluckiest characters?

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