Man, I wish I was Stephen Colbert. No, you don't understand. I REALLY wish I was Stephen Colbert.

If I ever become a celebrity stalker who's ultimate goal is to obtain the essence of my beloved targets by peeling the skin off their bodies and wearing it as a full body scuba diving suit, Colbert would be at the top of my list.

Now I can add another reason to that creepy list I keep hidden away in my heating vent. His and the Colbert Nation's recent efforts to fund the U.S. Olympics' speed skating team for the 2010 Winter Olympics have earned him a sport on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

All I can say about it is one thing: thank you. Yes, thank you uncredited SI photographer for strategically positioning Colbert's elbow over his crotch as he posed in that skin tight speed suit. Or rather, America thanks you.