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August 22, 2014

All Danny wants for Festivus

by Danny Gallagher, posted Dec 24th 2009 5:02PM
I love Christmas. It is the best holiday. If all of the holidays grew asses, Christmas could kick every other holiday's ass by ripping off their ass and beating them to death with said ass.

It's perfect on every conceivable level. It aims to achieve total peace and tranquility of the human spirit and singularity of the soul through the selfless act of giving. Of course, in order for that to work, someone has to be on the receiving end and I'm more than willing to have my every dream fulfilled in the name of calming the cosmic waves.

So here's my wish list to Santa or Jesus or Buddha or whomever holds the universe in balance for things to suck less until the next holiday.

  • An equally awesome third season of Sons of Anarchy. I'm talking the same kind of head spinning that could provide me with an airtight lawsuit against Kurt Sutter and company for whiplash.
  • Eliminate all further mention of the Batista/Laguerta relationship in the next season of Dexter. If I want to watch piddling stories about relationships that don't go anywhere and would never work in the real world, I'll watch the Lifetime Network.
  • I would love a cable news show that cannot be retitled "Two Biased People Screaming Into an Infinite Void Over a Polarizing Issue for 90 Minutes In the Morning."
  • This Simpsons cuckoo clock because if you have to be reminded of the dwindling of your own mortality, why not do it in style?
  • A gold medal in speed skating at the 2010 Winter Olympics, just to prove the unholy power of Stephen Colbert to Shani Davis.
  • NBC needs to treat Conan O'Brien better than they have. Sure, they have given him a lot of support and created a lot of buzz when his Tonight Show got underway, but all of that immediately died when Jay Leno jumped into the 9/10 p.m. slot, a topic that Leno knows all too well.
  • An interview with The Stig on The TV Squad Podcast. He could talk my ear off!
  • I know I ask for this every year, but I really want BBC to bring QI to their BBC America channel.
  • A New Orleans Saints Super Bowl victory in 2010 because for once, I'd like an actual personal reason to watch the Super Bowl instead of a psychological one by eating myself into another coma.

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