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September 4, 2015

TV Squad Ten: Most/Least Sexy Super Bowl Ads of All Time

by Danny Gallagher, posted Feb 7th 2010 10:31AM
Will Rogers once said, "Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need."

And how do you that? That's easy. Just sprinkle in some sex! It's nature's negotiator.

Of course, it's not as simple as it sounds. These days, people are easier to offend than Catholic nuns and the FCC has made it nearly impossible to advertise products the way God intended (i.e. naked girls with abnormally large boobs writhing and moaning over the awesomeness of Flonase). So an even subtler art of using sex to get your money lies within this deeply layered process. Here are the best of the best and the worst of the worst.

Most Sexy #5: Ali Landry's Doritos Commercial

The easiest product to pitch with sex, hands down, goes to fatty snack foods. It's akin to a stripper seducing some Harry Knowles look-a-like out of life savings, only instead of a lap dance, she's giving out Funyuns. Doritos brought back super sexy model Ali Landry to make 3D Doritos look more attractive and take their minds off the fact that eating Doritos prevents you from being able to do any kind of indoor parkour, let alone an entire sit up without the use of your arms.

Least Sexy #5: Cialis'
Two Old People in Dual Bathtubs Ad
The image of two elderly people sitting in a pair of bathtubs in what appears to be a Flemish painting is immediately un-sexy because it either reminds you of the looming recession and the constant threat of foreclosure or the fact that your parents are probably doing it more than you ever will. On the other hand, an ad that induces erectile dysfunction can only help Cialis' profit margins, so touché.

Most Sexy #4: The Tabasco Bikini Sunburn Girl Ad

Lately, the Tabasco people seem to have gone out of their way to make commercials that make us wish we didn't have eyes. However, they can be forgiven after unleashing this bit of bikini hotness on the world that strangely had me craving some hot sauce, whether it was sprinkled over my buffalo wings or poured into a shot glass and served boiling lava hot.

Least Sexy #4: Snickers' Accidental Kiss Ad

Tired of getting dunked on by "Patrick Chewing" or shopping for bling with "Master P-Nut"? Here's an extremely unsexy ad of two very manly mechanics that will have you committing "hari-caramel".

Most Sexy #3: Visa's Snow Beach Volleyball Ad

There are too many ads that feature scantily-clad ladies frolicking on a beach celebrating their liberation from the shackles of sexual repression and their bras in the name of consumerism. This ad took a 180-degree turn with that concept, except the parts about scantily-clad ladies, frolicking and beaches.

Least Sexy #3: Noxzema's Farrah Fawcett Ad

How could an ad that involves shaving cream and world famous sex symbol Farrah Fawcett turn out to be so horribly creepy and wrong? That's easy. Just throw in Jets quarterback Joe Namath in the opening proudly announcing that he's about to "get creamed." The only way this commercial could be creepier is if Broadway Joe were doing an ad for Del Monte creamed corn.

Most Sexy #2: GoDaddy's First Super Bowl Ad

The events of the infamous Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake Super Bowl halftime show almost separated any form of sexiness from our televisions since it gave politicians and demigods more fuel to limit, restrict and even fine the medium even further for showing something as innocent as a flesh colored water balloon placed near a maraschino cherry. Thankfully GoDaddy.com struck a blow for freedom and hypocrisy by parodying the Congressional events of the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" with one of their own. It's the way the Founding Fathers would have wanted it.

Least Sexy #2: Sierra Mist's Scottish Kilt Ad

What's worse than a guy in a dress? How about funnyman Patton Oswalt in a dress enjoying a "refreshing" stand over a vent grate that's blowing ice cold air up his knickers and around his, ahem, "bagpipes"? If anything, this should be a commercial for beer, not a soft drink, since it makes me want to drink until I go blind.

Most Sexy #1: Victoria Secret's "What is Sexy" Ad

Words fail me. They usually do in the presence of such awe-inspiring sexy women, whether it's on my TV or in person. My therapist says we're still working through it, although that's a challenge because she's kind of hot too.

Least Sexy #1: Airborne's Mickey Rooney Ad

Words also fail me in the presence of a sprinting and naked Mickey Rooney. Maybe that's because the thought of the twisted human stain who thought people would get a kick out of seeing his ass makes my skull cave in on my brain.

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After seeing the Mickey Rooney ad, I understand why Oedipus stabbed his eyes out with a brooch. Some things just shouldn't be seen. Ever.

February 07 2010 at 12:04 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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