Chillin' Like A Survivor Villain

I am loving the latest season of 'Survivor'.

For one thing, every time I think about it, I get 'Heroes and Villains', the Brian Wilson song, in my head. For the uninitiated, have a listen. Now you can sing that in your head (or out loud if you're really talented) when the tribes march in for the next challenge.

For another, I love Boston Rob. Not in a 'TV crush' kind of way. My love for Rob is on a different plane from mere physical affection. It's the love that comes from watching countless hours of reality television and finding the characters grotesquely human - they change their minds, are inconsistent, or give up midway through a task because they are tired or hungry. Rob suffers from none of these problems. He behaves the way a written character would, God bless him. He even managed that most difficult of storylines, the unattainable girl, with aplomb.

I am loving the latest season of 'Survivor'.

For one thing, every time I think about it, I get 'Heroes and Villains', the Brian Wilson song, in my head. For the uninitiated, have a listen. Now you can sing that in your head (or out loud if you're really talented) when the tribes march in for the next challenge.

For another, I love Boston Rob. Not in a 'TV crush' kind of way. My love for Rob is on a different plane from mere physical affection. It's the love that comes from watching countless hours of reality television and finding the characters grotesquely human - they change their minds, are inconsistent, or give up midway through a task because they are tired or hungry. Rob suffers from none of these problems. He behaves the way a written character would, God bless him. He even managed that most difficult of storylines, the unattainable girl, with aplomb.

And finally, I hate Rupert. Dear Lord, I hate Rupert Boneham with the fire of a thousand burning suns. Rupert raises my ire because he's so deluded about himself. Rupert thinks he is stoic, but actually, he just complains. Almost constantly. He formats his complaints as commentary about his stoicism. As in "Don't worry guys, even though I'm in incredible pain, I'm not gonna mention it all the time. That's not the kind of guy I am." (I'm paraphrasing, obviously.) What's doubly infuriating about Rupert is the contagious nature of his skewed sense of self. Everyone else seems to think he's awesome too.

Basically, I think the producers got it all wrong. Rob is a hero - Rupert is a villain. At least, that's how I see it, but I've accepted that in this world, where I see intelligence and an appropriate sense of competition, much of the world sees villainy. As Jeff Probst says, Rupert is probably the most popular player to ever play the game. People love the tie-dyed pirate, and have undue reverence for the pronunciation of the letter 'R'.

Probst also said in a recent video blog that almost all the 'Villains' think they are heroes. Which goes along with something I've always suspected - no one thinks they're the bad guy. Including me. But if an entire tribe of reality television contestants that I always liked can be labeled as villains, perhaps I am one too?

To that end, I came up with a series of questions to help us all determine if we are a heroes or villains. If you like them you can be a pal and take me to the final three.

1. Someone nearby is hurt, but it isn't a serious injury. Just somewhat painful for them. There is nothing you can do to help. Would you say something mildly comforting to them like 'Does it hurt a lot?' or 'Hope that feels better'?

2. Someone nearby is risking an injury to procure food for themselves and for you. You are too weak or clumsy to help. Would you stand nearby and say encouraging things like 'You've almost got it' or 'I wish I could help'?

3. You have found a cache of food or water. You bring plenty of it to your friends whenever they need it but don't mention where you found it or where to get more. Would you turn to the camera and say "As long as I'm the only one who knows where this water and food is, they need me"?

4. Are you a good-looking single guy with fair colouring?

5. Are you an average to plus-sized woman or man over the age of 35?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, congratulations! You are a hero. Now go get me a coconut.