TV 101: 'American Idol' and the TV Truth Gap

Stern wasn't just an inspired choice, he was the only choice.

Most people condemn Stern for being a one-trick pony - he's crude, and that's it. It's true that his language is coarse and his interest is focused on the fluid-producing regions of our bodies, but I don't believe it's because he's a creep. Stern acts the way he does because he has a pathological commitment to telling the truth, and the truth is that guys are creepy. (Note: any guy telling you differently is trying to sleep with you).

Stern goes into the gutter because that's where the truth is.

People misunderstand Simon the same way they misunderstand Stern. The most glaring misconception about Simon's popularity is that he's "the mean judge". This is what the lesser copies of 'American Idol' always get wrong. They've misunderstood the 'American Idol' dynamic as: one mean judge, one nice judge, and one black judge who says "dawg" a lot.

The root of Simon's popularity has nothing to do with being mean. If all it took to be successful in Simon's chair was meanness, you could fill his role with any popular middle school girl and be done with it. What makes Simon a singular talent, and what makes us keep tuning in week after week isn't because he attacks the contestants - it's because he's honest with them.

Simon's commitment to the truth isn't just refreshing; it's so unique that he (and he alone) has turned a cheesy karaoke contest into the most popular television program in the entire world.

You might think that honesty isn't necessarily a talent, but consider this: how many times has Simon said exactly what you're thinking about a contestant, followed by you saying "I can't believe he said that!" If everyone was thinking it, then why can't you believe he said it?

A more important question is economic in nature. If there's so much money to be made in simply saying what's on your mind, why isn't everyone doing it? The answer to both of these questions is simple: we're trained from infancy that it's rude to say what's on our mind, even if the person needs to hear the truth.

Think about it; half of the people who kill our ears during the audition round would have been saved the embarrassment if just one of their friends had told them how badly they sucked. We usually call those poor souls "self-deluded", but that's not accurate; their friends and family all played an important part in deluding them.

Social convention makes it really, really hard to tell someone the truth, even in private. When the stakes are raised to 30 million people and one semi-intelligent robot named Ryan Seacrest, it becomes almost impossible to do it.

We're so used to people on TV lying to us that whenever even a tiny bit of truth squeaks out, it becomes national news. That's what made the Leno/O'Brien battle so much fun. It wasn't that America was suddenly interested in NBC non-compete clauses; we were reveling in two major TV personalities actually letting a little real personality out on TV.

The 'American Idol' producers know they have a problem on their hands: honesty is at the heart of their popularity and the one guy who is actually able to be honest is leaving them next season.

Who can they get to fill Simon's shoes? First, let's eliminate the people who can't do it:

1. The current judges.

They're famous, they're good at what they do, and they're completely dependent on Simon. Not a chance they can fill that chair.

2. Any current or former reality judge from another show.

They're all bad imitations of Simon. Also, I'm pretty sure that Janice Dickerson has finally melted.

3. Any political commentator who has a reputation for telling "the truth."

For the love of all that's good and natural, don't get political in the comments. All I mean is that if you have a favorite political commentator, he's not telling you the truth so much as the truth as you wish it were. That's why he has a job. Sorry.

4. No comedians.

Believe me, I'm a comic. The joke always wins. We're about as committed to the truth as we are to personal hygiene.

5. Nobody who has lived in L.A. for longer than six months.

L.A. is a town that expresses hate for something by saying "I didn't love it." Honesty is a curse word to these people.

Who does that leave us with? Seriously, who can actually step up and say what's on his or her mind for 60 minutes a week, four months a year?

There are exactly four people who tell the truth regardless of the consequences: Tony Kornheiser, Charles Barkley, Rosie O'Donnell, and Howard Stern.

That's it. Those are the only four people in America that I've seen tell the truth on a consistent basis while still being in the public eye.

Kornheiser's out because not enough people know him. Barkley's out because 'American Idol' has a puritanical commitment to clean living and Barkley was recently arrested for drinking and driving on his way to get an OjobBlay. O'Donnell is out because if you thought the hubbub around Stern was bad, wait until you see what happens when you attach "Outspoken Lesbian Liberal" to the choice. My Uncle Nick's head might actually explode.

So, back to the question at hand: If not Stern then who?

By my calculations ... no one.

(Jay Black is a writer and a comic who really hopes you enjoyed the column. You can follow him on twitter at www.twitter.com/jayblackcomedy)