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Five Cop Shows That Should Never Be Remade
by Danny Gallagher, posted Apr 2nd 2010 6:24PM
It's pilot time again and this season the networks have decided to turn back the clock, specifically on old cop and crime shows, to save their sinking ratings. For instance, NBC is bringing back the mystery series 'The Rockford Files' with Dermot Mulroney in the role that James Garner turned into a classic TV crime fighter. CBS has also ordered a remake of the procedural cop classic 'Hawaii Five-O' with Scott Caan and Jean Smart.
Normally, my gut reacts to a TV remake the same way a person who just washed his car reacts to a line of dark clouds (a lot of cursing and shaking of fists at God or some other celestial being). However, if done right, anything has the chance to be good... unless it's one of the following cop serials, which should never be touched by a TV producer ever again.
1. 'Hill Street Blues'
Perfection doesn't come in much frequency and this groundbreaking cop classic from the mind of Steven Bochco is about as close to perfect as a TV show in any genre can get. Its clever writing and intertwined story lines coupled with a documentary-style feel, a first for its time, made it one of the most celebrated dramas in critical circles and Emmy-voting cliques. Doing a remake of it would be like painting bulky sweaters over the naked people in Peter Paul Rubens' paintings.
2. 'Columbo'
TV characters come and go, but none of them own their TV personas more than Peter Falk owned the bemused, trenchcoat-donning mystery solver that was Lt. Columbo. His "aww, shucks" attitude toward the rich and powerful citizens of California's elite made him an endearing and comical character, both to the audience and the suspects who thought they could get away with murder. Falk was actually the third person to take on the character when he made the jump from the stage to television in 1968. His mannerisms and personality, however, are so ingrained in the character that it's impossible to imagine anyone else puffing on a cheap cigar behind the wheel of a gear grinding Peugeot.
Chances are if one of the networks tried a remake, they would replace Falk's 5-foot-nothing frame with a strapping 7-foot tall hunk in a trench coat that didn't look like it came from a thrift store, just because today's test audiences "didn't find a chain smoking detective with a glass eye attractive."
3. 'NYPD Blue'
Any show that tells the FCC to go take a long walk off a short pier by flaunting mild nudity and profane language in front of the audience deserves special recognition. 'NYPD Blue' set a new standard for the average cop show. Not only could the crimes walk the edge, but the foibles and follies of the main characters could be just as grim and dark. Our TVs would never have high caliber shows like 'The Shield,' 'CSI' and 'Justified' if not for the tenacity and raw emotion of shows like 'NYPD Blue.' We also would never have experienced the brain-piercing pain that comes from seeing Dennis Franz's bulbous ass on camera, but that's another list for another day (e.g. Ten TV Images We Wish We Could Bleach from Our Minds).
4. 'Law & Order'
'Law & Order' hasn't just been on television for a long time, but it's also occupied more real estate than a guy who cheats at "Monopoly." The original show has reformed itself into so many spinoffs from the successful 'Special Victims Unit' to the dismal 'Trial By Jury' that some NBC dunderhead-in-chief in the distant future (trust me, they breed) is bound to get the bright idea to remake the one that started them all. On behalf of all future generations, don't do it. The concept of remaking a show that has spawned more mutated offspring than a member of the British royal family is downright psychotic. It's as psychotic as doing a movie remake of 'M*A*S*H.' That includes a remake of the actual movie, and double the psychosis if it's a remake of the TV show.
Speaking of shows that are totally psychotic...
5. 'Cop Rock'
This short-lived (proof that God exists and he loves us very much) musical serial cop show took television down a few notches with its awesome badness by putting the criminal justice system to music. The show only lasted eleven miserable episodes but it went on to gain fame as one of the worst TV shows of all time.
Despite its infamous reputation, the scary part is that it could make a comeback. If these new cop remakes prove successful, a producer could pitch it by coupling it with 'Glee's' critical and ratings achievement to push it to the front of the 'green light' line. And if they pitch it to an NBC executive, it'll get a full season order and top primetime billing before anyone ever sees an episode.
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