The Original 'A-Team': What They're Doing Today

The new 'A-Team' movie is about to hit a theater near you and as we were all being bombarded with trailers and ads, a curious thought kept creeping into my mind: just who the hell is this new 'A-Team'?

Liam Neeson, Bradley Whitford Cooper, Quintin "Rampage" Jackson: this isn't the crack commando unit still wanted by the government who solve problems that no one else can if you can find them (start in the phonebook, probably under "A"). These are imposters, charlatans, fakes, phonies and possibly poor disguises that are part of some complex plot to solve some poor schlub's problem.

What happened the real 'A-Team,' the one we all knew and presumably loved? I decided it was time to do a little digging. I started at the Pentagon and the National Archives. Both representatives insisted there was no such thing as an "A-Team," but I knew that was just a ruse. All part of the plan, as Hannibal would say. The truth may surprise you.

Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith found it hard to cope with the lack of action and life-threatening situations that he so craved when he spent his days outsmarted dumb crooks or crooked dummies. So to make up for the loss of danger in his life, the first step he took to rectify it was to move to Detroit.

He tried once again to become a member of the civil service, but to no avail. Despite his tactical and military prowess, the local police, fire, paramedics and even the neighborhood watch declined to accept him on the grounds that every one of his answers on the scenario entrance exam included "stealing a tank" as a necessary step. Instead, he opened a weekend warrior paintball business seminar out in the sticks where he helps local office workers overcome their personal differences and stereotypes of one another by shooting the holy hell out of each other.

Capt. H.M. "Howlin' Mad" Murdock attempted to use his piloting skills in the commercial airline business, but his reckless record of aircraft usage combined with his documented psychosis on his mental health record made him "overqualified" under the FAA's standards.

Instead, he turned his other unique talent of general buffoonery and jackassishness into its own career. His brief stint as a clownish road comic didn't last, thanks to an ill-timed performance at the Apollo Theater's open-mic night when he gave the brush-off clown, CP Lacey, a ranger choke-hold as he attempted to sweep him off-stage in the middle of his act. A radio program director in Pittsburgh caught wind of the incident and after talking with the motor-mouth talent and posting his bail, he quickly hired him to host his local "Morning Zoo" show where he was able to use his talents for mockery for on-air features such as the "Annoy a Random Stranger" contest and his now-famous "Interview with a Monkey," the latter of which scored him a pilot deal with UPN.

Lt. Templeton "Face" Peck recovered from the near-fatal gunshot he sustained during his final mission with "The A-Team," an incident he considered a miracle not because he was able to survive a brush with death but because the bullet didn't land anywhere near his face.

He saw his near fatal attack as a divine miracle and saw it as God's way of preventing such a handsome specimen from leaving the Earth before all of his female creatures could enjoy it. So he turned his powers of persuasion and charm to his advantage as part of a lucrative career in public relations. His ability to turn any negative situation into a positive with the flick of his smile grabbed the attention of almost every major corporate entity on the NASDAQ. Most notably, BP offered to hire him with a $2 million signing bonus, a gold plated yacht crewed by former Playboy bunnies and real estate on one of Jupiter's moons.

Sgt. Bosco Albert "B.A." Baracus found it hard to cope in a world that considered punching a man in the face with a fist full of rings a Class-B misdemeanor. Eventually, B.A. decided it was time to put away his fighting ways, following his fifth punched out laundromat change machine and fourth court-ordered anger management class.

He instead found solace in another tactical activity that took great skill and strength to complete without having to knock a man unconscious: live action role playing. It started as a simple weekend hobby, playing as an overgrown warrior dwarf nicknamed "Rifkin, the Fool Crusher" who was the only member of his guild who didn't have to change his wardrobe in order to participate.