Welcome back, scandal fans -- last night's episode of 'The Bachelorette' had more fireworks than a 4th of July weekend, but practically none of it was thanks to Ali and her five long-suffering suitors.

You just know that the show's producers were thanking all their heathen Reality TV deities that Jake and Vienna took a very public nosedive when they did, otherwise this episode would've been a total snooze.

But before we get to the train-wreck that was Jake and Vienna's break-up interview, let's jump in to what we're all allegedly here for, Ali's continuing search for love ...

Anything following Justin's highly anticipated exit was always going to seem a little dull, but the remaining five guys are just so nice and inoffensive that it's no surprise that the sparks weren't flying this week.

Ali seemed to be feeling the lack of drama too (poor girl must be exhausted by all the betrayal), doubting herself and her bachelors as she pondered whether she was far enough along in her relationships with any of the guys to embark on next week's hometown dates.

Her first outing with Roberto was actually pretty satisfying for me -- Ali highlighted all of the problems I've previously had with our spicy Latin dancer; for so many weeks he's seemed like a mystery that's almost too good to be true, but after this date, I'm finally on the Roberto bandwagon. Maybe he really is just that nice? I smell our new 'Bachelor' if things go south with Ms. Fedotowsky ...

Poor Ty and Frank got stuck with the two-on-one date (no threesome jokes here, no siree) but Ali was definitely feeling the strain of the buy one get one free deal. I actually think that we got one of the most genuine moments in 'Bachelor/ette' history at this point, with all three feeling awkward at their "intimate" dinner and saying so, before hastily calling for a little liquid courage. (This inevitably resulted in another classic Drunk Ali interview -- somebody get that girl a coffee before you put her in front of a camera!)

Frank dropped the bomb that he was still living with his folks, but at this point, Ali was either so enamored or so hammered that she didn't give a damn, and the two only seem to be getting closer -- which doesn't bode well for next week's preview, does it?

Kirk also fell afoul of Ali's somber mood during their fairytale romp in a classic castle, but surprisingly, he managed to rise above the awkwardness and deliver one of the most genuine (and, okay, kind of heartwarming) speeches this season.

Ali voiced a concern that a lot of people feel early in relationships: "I'm just worried that I won't be good enough one day," and Kirk gave an A++ response as far as I'm concerned, telling her that, unlike some tattoo-bearing freakazoids, he's not falling for the idea of Ali, he genuinely cares for her and has come to a healthy place where he feels deserving of love and happiness. Sniff. (And not a declaration of guarding and protecting her heart in sight!)

I feel like Kirk could be really good for Ali and her self-esteem, since that perspective is just about the most mature view on love that anyone on a reality dating show has ever had. Too bad I don't think he'll go the distance with her.

Chris got the last date of the week and saved himself from the chopping block by opening up further about his family and giving Ali a gorgeous bracelet similar to one his mother wore (nothing earns a rose like jewelry!), even though he almost killed them by driving like a snail on a moped around Lisbon's busy roads.

It's always so sweet to see him talking about his mom that I get choked up every time he gets choked up. They have such a good emotional connection but Ali really doesn't seem to be feeling the chemistry, it's like Jake and Tenley all over again -- she actually has CONVERSATIONS with Chris, as opposed to the brief snatches of words she lets Roberto get out before she initiates another round of tonsil-hockey.

Ali surprised exactly no-one by sending Ty home (except Ty), even though she made a nice show of going out into the rain to say goodbye to him.

And theeeeen came the train-wreck -- not gonna lie, I totally wanted to skip past the yawnworthy search for romance and get right to the catfight, and I bet I wasn't the only one.

Let's see a show of hands for those in the audience who think that the soulless automaton known as Jakebot Jake Pavelka will be the first of the Terminators to rise up and enslave mankind? The evil that lurks behind those cold, dead eyes will be our downfall, mark my words ...

I'm the first to admit that I've never been Vienna's biggest supporter (I HATE HER), but, if one person came out of the fuster-cluck that was their last interview together looking like a sane and semi-rational human being, it was Ms. Girardi. I know, right? Who'd have thunk it!

While the constant interruptions did get annoying, Vienna had (mostly) coherent and believable examples of Jake's bullying ways and seemed genuinely upset by his attitude, whereas Jake sat serenely beside her, passive aggressively calling her "baby" and generally being the "biggest fake liar" ever. He came off as condescending and every bit as undermining as his constant claims about Vienna.

Things weren't helped by the fact that all of Jake's responses seemed painfully rehearsed, and as Vienna so neatly pointed out, her "40 percent truth" was still better than the entire lack of honesty he showed.

When he stiffly declared "I'm so mad at you," (without any visible hint of anger, since robots feel no emotion) and went on to deliver his outraged platitude about how Vienna "sold me out to a magazine, for payment!" it was as if my ABC prime-time viewing had just transformed into ABC daytime, and boy, was Jake working overtime for that Soapy Award. Someone get him that "polyograph" test, quick!

What Vienna lacks in um, eloquence (and pronunciation), she made up for in juicy stories of just how much of a douche-nozzle Jake apparently is, from throwing their GPS when she DARED TO QUESTION HIS INFALLIBLE SENSE OF DIRECTION, to strange bouts of jealousy over Vienna's gay friend to a total apoplectic rage over the geography of their bedroom furniture. Hmm ...

There were also accusations that Jake never took the time to get to know Vienna's family -- which ... okay, I kinda can't blame him for -- and some very unsympathetic things said about Vienna's poor sick dog (gold star to Chris Harrison for telling them that no-one cares about the dog). Not to mention the entire lack of activity going on in that perfectly measured bedroom, alternately because Jake was "fasting" (Um?) or waiting until marriage, or because Jake had a headache or was washing his hair, I'm guessing.

But we understand, Jake, measuring tape and GPS are very emasculating, and we all know that a woman should be seen and not heard, so we understand why you're having problems with your Viennabot. Just send her back to Stepford for an attitude adjustment and I'm certain you'll be ecstatic with the results. Or alternatively, invest in an inflatable doll. Ladies -- the moral of the story is, don't interrupt Jake Pavelka, or he'll KILL YOU.

But no, Jake was really not about to hit Vienna on national television, c'mon people -- he's too much of a perfectly groomed PR puppet to do anything so controversial. He did make her cry and storm off though, which was probably just as well since I'm fairly sure the pair of them would've bitched at each other all night, and some of us have more important things to do, like go measure our furniture.

So we close the book on one "fairytale" romance (don't lie, Chris Harrison, this "shocking" break-up has all the suspense of an episode of the Teletubbies), but Ali's adventures aren't quite over yet, and next week, it looks like yet another one of her menfolk is set to stir up some trouble.

Will Ali ever find her Prince Charming? Do you think either Jake or Vienna came out smelling like roses last night (the correct answer is HELLS NO)? Sound off below! Check out the full episode below.

[Follow Laura on Twitter @LauinLA.]