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'The Bachelorette' Recap - Love: It's No Fairytale

by Laura Prudom, posted Jul 6th 2010 9:27AM
Welcome back, scandal fans -- last night's episode of 'The Bachelorette' had more fireworks than a 4th of July weekend, but practically none of it was thanks to Ali and her five long-suffering suitors.

You just know that the show's producers were thanking all their heathen Reality TV deities that Jake and Vienna took a very public nosedive when they did, otherwise this episode would've been a total snooze.

But before we get to the train-wreck that was Jake and Vienna's break-up interview, let's jump in to what we're all allegedly here for, Ali's continuing search for love ...

Anything following Justin's highly anticipated exit was always going to seem a little dull, but the remaining five guys are just so nice and inoffensive that it's no surprise that the sparks weren't flying this week.

Ali seemed to be feeling the lack of drama too (poor girl must be exhausted by all the betrayal), doubting herself and her bachelors as she pondered whether she was far enough along in her relationships with any of the guys to embark on next week's hometown dates.

Her first outing with Roberto was actually pretty satisfying for me -- Ali highlighted all of the problems I've previously had with our spicy Latin dancer; for so many weeks he's seemed like a mystery that's almost too good to be true, but after this date, I'm finally on the Roberto bandwagon. Maybe he really is just that nice? I smell our new 'Bachelor' if things go south with Ms. Fedotowsky ...

Poor Ty and Frank got stuck with the two-on-one date (no threesome jokes here, no siree) but Ali was definitely feeling the strain of the buy one get one free deal. I actually think that we got one of the most genuine moments in 'Bachelor/ette' history at this point, with all three feeling awkward at their "intimate" dinner and saying so, before hastily calling for a little liquid courage. (This inevitably resulted in another classic Drunk Ali interview -- somebody get that girl a coffee before you put her in front of a camera!)

Frank dropped the bomb that he was still living with his folks, but at this point, Ali was either so enamored or so hammered that she didn't give a damn, and the two only seem to be getting closer -- which doesn't bode well for next week's preview, does it?

Kirk also fell afoul of Ali's somber mood during their fairytale romp in a classic castle, but surprisingly, he managed to rise above the awkwardness and deliver one of the most genuine (and, okay, kind of heartwarming) speeches this season.

Ali voiced a concern that a lot of people feel early in relationships: "I'm just worried that I won't be good enough one day," and Kirk gave an A++ response as far as I'm concerned, telling her that, unlike some tattoo-bearing freakazoids, he's not falling for the idea of Ali, he genuinely cares for her and has come to a healthy place where he feels deserving of love and happiness. Sniff. (And not a declaration of guarding and protecting her heart in sight!)

I feel like Kirk could be really good for Ali and her self-esteem, since that perspective is just about the most mature view on love that anyone on a reality dating show has ever had. Too bad I don't think he'll go the distance with her.

Chris got the last date of the week and saved himself from the chopping block by opening up further about his family and giving Ali a gorgeous bracelet similar to one his mother wore (nothing earns a rose like jewelry!), even though he almost killed them by driving like a snail on a moped around Lisbon's busy roads.

It's always so sweet to see him talking about his mom that I get choked up every time he gets choked up. They have such a good emotional connection but Ali really doesn't seem to be feeling the chemistry, it's like Jake and Tenley all over again -- she actually has CONVERSATIONS with Chris, as opposed to the brief snatches of words she lets Roberto get out before she initiates another round of tonsil-hockey.

Ali surprised exactly no-one by sending Ty home (except Ty), even though she made a nice show of going out into the rain to say goodbye to him.

And theeeeen came the train-wreck -- not gonna lie, I totally wanted to skip past the yawnworthy search for romance and get right to the catfight, and I bet I wasn't the only one.

Let's see a show of hands for those in the audience who think that the soulless automaton known as Jakebot Jake Pavelka will be the first of the Terminators to rise up and enslave mankind? The evil that lurks behind those cold, dead eyes will be our downfall, mark my words ...

I'm the first to admit that I've never been Vienna's biggest supporter (I HATE HER), but, if one person came out of the fuster-cluck that was their last interview together looking like a sane and semi-rational human being, it was Ms. Girardi. I know, right? Who'd have thunk it!

While the constant interruptions did get annoying, Vienna had (mostly) coherent and believable examples of Jake's bullying ways and seemed genuinely upset by his attitude, whereas Jake sat serenely beside her, passive aggressively calling her "baby" and generally being the "biggest fake liar" ever. He came off as condescending and every bit as undermining as his constant claims about Vienna.

Things weren't helped by the fact that all of Jake's responses seemed painfully rehearsed, and as Vienna so neatly pointed out, her "40 percent truth" was still better than the entire lack of honesty he showed.

When he stiffly declared "I'm so mad at you," (without any visible hint of anger, since robots feel no emotion) and went on to deliver his outraged platitude about how Vienna "sold me out to a magazine, for payment!" it was as if my ABC prime-time viewing had just transformed into ABC daytime, and boy, was Jake working overtime for that Soapy Award. Someone get him that "polyograph" test, quick!

What Vienna lacks in um, eloquence (and pronunciation), she made up for in juicy stories of just how much of a douche-nozzle Jake apparently is, from throwing their GPS when she DARED TO QUESTION HIS INFALLIBLE SENSE OF DIRECTION, to strange bouts of jealousy over Vienna's gay friend to a total apoplectic rage over the geography of their bedroom furniture. Hmm ...

There were also accusations that Jake never took the time to get to know Vienna's family -- which ... okay, I kinda can't blame him for -- and some very unsympathetic things said about Vienna's poor sick dog (gold star to Chris Harrison for telling them that no-one cares about the dog). Not to mention the entire lack of activity going on in that perfectly measured bedroom, alternately because Jake was "fasting" (Um?) or waiting until marriage, or because Jake had a headache or was washing his hair, I'm guessing.

But we understand, Jake, measuring tape and GPS are very emasculating, and we all know that a woman should be seen and not heard, so we understand why you're having problems with your Viennabot. Just send her back to Stepford for an attitude adjustment and I'm certain you'll be ecstatic with the results. Or alternatively, invest in an inflatable doll. Ladies -- the moral of the story is, don't interrupt Jake Pavelka, or he'll KILL YOU.

But no, Jake was really not about to hit Vienna on national television, c'mon people -- he's too much of a perfectly groomed PR puppet to do anything so controversial. He did make her cry and storm off though, which was probably just as well since I'm fairly sure the pair of them would've bitched at each other all night, and some of us have more important things to do, like go measure our furniture.

So we close the book on one "fairytale" romance (don't lie, Chris Harrison, this "shocking" break-up has all the suspense of an episode of the Teletubbies), but Ali's adventures aren't quite over yet, and next week, it looks like yet another one of her menfolk is set to stir up some trouble.

Will Ali ever find her Prince Charming? Do you think either Jake or Vienna came out smelling like roses last night (the correct answer is HELLS NO)? Sound off below! Check out the full episode below.

[Follow Laura on Twitter @LauinLA.]

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I agree with csmiddy and now realize why Jake hasn't found his soulmate :) He is definitely controlling and now has a head too big to fit into any airplane!

July 18 2010 at 12:18 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I did not like Vienna AT ALL during the show but I believed her during that interview. Jake acted like an idiot, a very controlling idiot.

July 07 2010 at 3:07 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to csmiddy's comment
Laura Prudom

Same, and I didn't think anything would get me on the same page as Vienna. That interview was the exact opposite of what Jake's aspiring acting career needed (thank god!) -- I'm certain he and his PR team are kicking themselves right now.

July 07 2010 at 8:49 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I never thought Jake's choice of Vienna was a good one.
Vienna seemed too flighty and Jake seemed unwilling to give himself fully to anyone. No matter what he says,I don't think he came to the program fully prepared to select a woman like Ali, he chose a flighty girl knowing full well it would not last!
Poor Ali, now she has been given some decent men, but with no sex appeal! Poor, poor Ali!

July 06 2010 at 4:46 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to eva's comment
Laura Prudom

Yeah, he and Vienna had trainwreck written all over them from the get-go! It was fairly clear that Little Jake was making the decisions when he went for the alleged lust with Vienna over the relative sanity of Tenley.

And as I've been saying all season, it's a definite shame that Ali got stuck with such duds! Who do you think she'll end up with (if anyone)?

July 06 2010 at 8:34 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

@ACG: I think everybody agrees that as far as winners and losers go, both Vienna and Jake are big losers.

July 06 2010 at 1:32 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Couchtime With Jill

I think everyone is siding with Vienna because she had specific, detailed examples of how and why the relationship ended, whereas Jake just sat there with a clenched jaw and rehearsed lines and exploded in anger when faced with the truth. Vienna's no saint, but there is no denying that Jake is a controlling, chauvinistic fame whore with a temper.

Check out my review of the Bachelorette episode and analysis of the Jake and Vienna interview at http://couchtimewithjill.blogspot.com/

July 06 2010 at 1:22 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Couchtime With Jill's comment
Laura Prudom

They're a match made in reality TV heaven! Now I want them to both go live in a cave so I never have to write about them again. But if wishes were horses...

July 06 2010 at 1:56 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I'm failing to understand why all bloggers seem to think Vienna was the clear winner in this whole pathetic saga. What Jake has in being an unlikable, arrogant douchebag, Vienna MORE than makes up for in being a self-centered, immature, whiny little crybaby. Hell, those two were MADE for each other since they're BOTH total fame whores. It's like Spencer and Heidi but with the added ingredient of an actual audience.

The only thing that could have made the interview better would have been Chris Harrison standing up, tell both to STFU and GTFO, and then smacking both across their faces. They both deserved it.

July 06 2010 at 1:02 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to ACG's comment
Laura Prudom

Oh no, there are no winners here - unless there's a prize for who can make the biggest and most embarrassing spectacle out of themselves on national television, in which case the pair of them are tied for first with Speidi.

I'd be all for Chris Harrison laying the smackdown on the both of them - maybe we should call for a WWE/ABC partnership, I know "Rated R" would be on the bandwagon.

July 06 2010 at 1:54 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

LOL - Your description of this train-wreck had me rolling on the floor laughing... :-) with how accurately you nailed the "scripted" characters...

My favorite moment was Chris trying to moderate by saying "no one cares about the dog" What? I do! Can someone call PETA... hehehe ;-)

But, seriously now - it's rather amazing to me that Vienna won the battle (seeing how ABC obviously set this up to be a Vienna Sausage Roast) I mean come on? Chris gave Jake the first word without Vienna present, but did not allow Vienna the same opportunity? So, of course she had to talk over Jake...!

And then, Jake totally blows both opportunities he had to talk without Vienna present! Really? Are you that Dense! Boy? I mean, come on - he should have known Vienna would not let him talk while she was there...

Anyway, the train-wreck here is not only the "relationship" (if it ever existed, which I think not, since the whole thing smells of scripting) But also, ABC's attempt to paint Vienna in a bad light, and Jake as the all-american poster boy!

Wow, talk about a derailing: Jake comes off as a misogynist fame-whore; and Vienna as a coat-tail riding fame-whore. The fame-whore thing cancels out, so what's left? Which is worse?

July 06 2010 at 11:41 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
2 replies to bmason's comment
Laura Prudom

Thanks! The whole thing was pretty laughable without any help from me, right? The sad thing is, myself and likely the rest of the viewing public probably WERE on Jake's side before this fiasco aired, but he came off looking so sociopathic that I could kinda see Vienna's point!

But you're right, I think we all agree that as far as the fame whoring goes, the pair were a match made in heaven. It's just the rest of the relationship that they had issues with...

July 06 2010 at 1:52 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

Yes, Laura - it was hysterical...! Jake, Chris & ABC all tried to throw Vienna under the bus and ended up there instead :-)

I love it when a Reality TV Script goes awry...
ABC has some PR work ahead of them - HA!

July 06 2010 at 8:33 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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