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December 21, 2014

LeBron James: 'The Decision' LiveBlog

by Dr. Ryan Vaughan, PhD (no, seriously), posted Jul 8th 2010 8:53PM
ESPN devoted an hour Thursday night (9PM ET) to LeBron James and his announcement of which NBA team he'll play for next season (it's gonna be the Miami Heat). It was all pretty ridiculous.

But never fear. TV Squad is here for you -- so we had our very own Dr. Ryan Vaughan sit down for an hour of live blogging to bring you all the important moments during the James 'The Decision' broadcast.

9:01PM - Thought I was taping 'Hot in Cleveland,' but mistakenly ended up taping this LeBron James atrocity. I guess I'll keep watching. That must be the sweetest Boys and Girls Club in the world. A hockey rink? Only in Connecticut. ... and Canada.

9:02 - These four guys (Wilbon, Barry, Broussard and Scott) are clearly just happy to be working. Question: are they just going to take turns giving LBJ a handy?

9:06 - I'll let you know when they tell me something I don't know already. So far, they've established that LeBron is pretty good at basketball.

9:07 - They showed a clip of LeBron arriving with a toothpick in his mouth. Now, I'm on the record as caring more about toothpicks than 'The Decision,' but who uses a toothpick other than car wash employees named Skeeter?

9:12 - Oh good, now I know what "Bron Bron" will look like in different shirts. That's helpful analysis. Can you show me what he'll look like in different Speedos?

9:13 - I'm sorry, but any attempt to make this noble with Boys and Girls Club ads was lost when they used the commercial break for Stuart Scott to give LeBron a hot stone massage.

9:17 - I guess I have to give props for the multiple 'Trading Places' references.

9:18 - "It's a tough decision." Is it? I think the decision is a pretty easy one. "Hey, you can have unlimited sex with any one of these nubile, smoking hot, ethnic members of the opposite sex. Just pick one, you ass! There's no option where you're knuckle-deep in Whoopi Goldberg!"

9:22 - Oh look, the room's full of kids. How, disturbing?

9:23 - "It's been a humbling experience," might be the most filthy example of a contradiction that has ever been uttered.

9:25 - How are we already 25 minutes into this?

9:26 - So, your dream, LeBron, is kind of like Dr. King's dream, right? To completely inflate yourself to zeppelin-like proportions?

9:27 - Jim Grey is like a gay robot.

9:28 - "It's not about sharing." - LeBron James

9:30 - I still can't wrap my head around the mispronunciation of "asked" as "axed."

9:31 - Ohio will always be home for LeBron, but he probably won't get as many free tacos as he used to.

9:32 - Those kids in the audience were probably lured into the gym with candy and the prospect of some LeBron shirtless dunking, and now they're wondering, "Why did I skip hanging out at the roller rink for this?"

9:34 - OK, now the show should be over, and there's 25 minutes left. I'm switching my TV over to my XBox to play NBA 2K10.

9:36 - This is much more tolerable not having to see yahoos in Miami, bro-ing it out at the bar after hearing 'The Decision.'

9:37 - Playing Cavs vs. Lakers. Turns out, video game LeBron is way cooler than real LeBron. He only plays basketball and doesn't make me sit through stiff, labored interviews, and I can make him do what I want with my fingers.

9:40 - Oh, come on!! That's not a foul! Stupid game.

9:42 - Dying to know the ratings for the show leading up to the announcement, and after he said, "I'm going to take my talents to South Beach." LeBron's Mom isn't even watching at this point.

9:43 - My son just walked in and gave LeBron the finger. He's 10. I gave a half-hearted "hey, son. That's disrespectful." But I didn't mean it.

9:45 - I've never actually begged for a commercial break.

9:47 - Why has no one axed him, "Who the %&*# do you think you are?"

9:48 - I'll bet LeBron "studies NBA history" as much as he studies Foucault.

9:50 - NICE! People burning jerseys! If your life is so powerfully impacted by LeBron leaving Cleveland that you feel compelled to set a James jersey ablaze, you might as well just give up. You're bad at life.

9:57 - Just woke up from an amazing dream in which I wasn't watching this debacle: I was eating ice cream out of the small of Kim Kardashian's back. Now I feel like I'm eating sauerkraut out of Rosie O'Donnell's armpit.

9:58 - Stuart Scott is just waiting for LeBron to invite him to his next pool party.

9:59 - I'll be sure to save this on my DVR to make my kids watch it when they're being punished.

10:00 - it's supposed to be over. WHY ISN'T IT OVER?!

10:01 - Great question, fan! You should have just punched a baby in the face. It would have been less excruciating to watch.

10:04 - I'm done. This hurts.

10:05 - What ESPN needed to make this televisual abortion watchable: lasers, fog machine, a pinata, jugglers, Chex Mix, a bread bowl with dip in it, LeBron teaching the kids wrestling moves, and fudge.

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6 Comments

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John Ducey

Vivid. I felt like I was actually there at the event. Why would you do that to me?

July 22 2010 at 11:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Al Tostig

Couldn't wrap your head around Lebron saying "axed" instead of "asked" twice? Oh, you must be mistaken. ESPN's official transcript says "asked". I mean why not have a healthy dose of revisionist history by the entity granting the interview? Not unlike all the "favorable calls" he has been and will be granted by the NBA refs. I mean after all, the NBA is a business and selling product, so why not help along what sells tickets? Actually, this is only speculation on my part. If you want the real reason, doan ax me.

July 10 2010 at 9:08 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Al Tostig's comment
Dr. Ryan Vaughan, PhD (no, seriously)

Apt comparison. Nice!

July 10 2010 at 11:01 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
T-Bone

Hysterical! Still laughing at the mental picture of a LbJ - S. Scott Hot Stone Massage.

July 09 2010 at 8:09 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Atticus Draco

>9:58 - Stuart Scott is just waiting for LeBron to invite him to his next pool party.<

lol,, True Dat
Seriously,, did ya see it in his eyes?,, he looked like a homely chick in bar wanting to be taken home

the Rosie reference,, over the top Doc,,
this incident didnt call for such an extreme mental image!!
Whew!

July 09 2010 at 12:09 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Atticus Draco's comment
Dr. Ryan Vaughan, PhD (no, seriously)

Sometimes, you have to leave them groaning, my man.

July 09 2010 at 12:16 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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