The Emmy Awards Drinking Game

So the Emmys are coming up on Sunday. I know, you're so excited you've probably already put a reservation sign on your couch and stocked up on microwave popcorn. (Um, that was sarcasm... It can be hard to get that across on the 'net sometimes.) The truth is, the Emmys are the most boring major awards show -- and that is saying something.

It shouldn't be this way. I like TV so much more than movies that there is no comparison, and unlike with the Academy Awards and the Golden Globes, I've usually seen pretty much everything that gets nominated for an award, so I should be more invested. (My regular readers know I definitely don't lack for an opinion.) But the Emmys are so repetitive it's hard to get excited. And of course, the repetition is a function of how television is different from film.

TV is built to last, and the Academy voters seem to reward shows for sticking around. Why not? Great writing, great acting and great stories year after year are what make long-running television great. Unfortunately, it also has the side effect of making the Emmys really boring.

Take for example, this year's Leading Actor in a Comedy Series. Between them, the six men up for the award have 37 previous Emmy nominations, and most of those nominations have come in the last 10 years. At least one of the actors nominated this year was in the nomination pool every year since 2001. You know, the year Wikipedia was launched. In other words, a long long time ago.

In an effort to make the Emmys more exciting I've devised a simple two-person or two-team drinking game to be played along with the three-hour telecast. At least come Monday morning, you'll have something to show for those hours -- namely a hangover. Don't drink? Play it for quarters instead. Here's how it works: Divide into two teams, the Noobs and the Old-timers. Noobs will get points when first-time winners and nominees triumph, and the Old-timers win when the Tony Shalhoubs and Alec Baldwins do. Proceed as follows:

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series:
Alec Baldwin, Larry David or Tony Shalhoub wins -- Noobs drink or pay.
Jim Parsons, Matthew Morrison, or Steve Carell wins -- Old-timers drink or pay.
Bonus: If Matthew Morrison wins, Old-timers must sing 'Don't Stop Believing' during next commercial break.

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series:
Edie Falco, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss or Tina Fey wins -- Noobs drink or pay.
Amy Poehler, Lea Michelle or Toni Colette wins -- Old-timers drink or pay.
Bonus: If Julia takes it, Noobs must be "masters of their domain" for a week.

Lead Actor in a Drama Series:
Bryan Cranston, Hugh Laurie or Michael C. Hall wins -- Noobs drink or pay.
Jon Hamm, Kyle Chandler or Matthew Fox wins -- Old-timers drink or pay.
Bonus: If Kyle Chandler wins, everyone drinks out of sheer happiness.

Lead Actress in a Drama Series:
Kyra Sedgwick, Mariska Hargitay, Julianna Margulies or Glenn Close wins -- Noobs drink or pay.
Connie Britton or January Jones wins -- Old-timers drink or pay.
Bonus: If either Connie or January wins, Old-timers drink or pay double for stacked category.

Outstanding Comedy Series:
'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' 'The Office,' or '30 Rock' wins -- Noobs drink or pay.
'Glee,' 'Nurse Jackie' or 'Modern Family' wins -- Old-timers drink or pay.
Bonus: If 'Modern Family' wins, all are challenged to name all of Claire and Phil's kids on the show. Those who fail must drink or pay.

Outstanding Drama Series:
'Breaking Bad,' 'Dexter' or 'Mad Men' wins -- Noobs drink or pay.
'True Blood', 'Lost' or 'The Good Wife' wins -- Old-timers drink or pay.
Bonus: WInning team can make losing team drink or pay extra if desired, because this category is stretching this idea a bit too far.

Whenever a presenter mentions an upcoming NBC show -- everybody drinks or pays!

Whenever the same show is nominated more than once in the same category -- everybody drinks or pays!

Whenever 'Mad Men' wins an award -- everybody drinks and smokes and says something sexist/racist/generally offensive!

Have fun. And drink a big glass of water before bed.

The 2010 Emmy Awards air on Sunday, August 29 at 8PM ET on NBC and CTV in Canada.