'Gossip Girl' Season 4, Episode 1 (Season Premiere) Recap (VIDEO)

['Gossip Girl' - 'Belles De Jour']

Welcome back to a scandalous new season on the Upper East Side, mes amies -- I hope you're not of a nervous disposition, because 'Gossip Girl' has no shortage of "Oh mon dieu!" moments in its premiere episode.

For those tired of that iconic Manhattan skyline, Serena and Blair have offered us an enviable change of scenery; but while the geography has changed, the song remains the same.

Poor B is still pining for a certain Basstard, unable to enjoy the many Parisian delights that the City of Love has to offer, while S is sampling all of the local dishes -- from dreamy barmen to any hunk on a Vespa -- in an attempt to forget about her Nate/Dan dilemma back in NYC.

Both our belles have very different ways of dealing with the same problem, but neither seems to be having much luck -- I'm a girl who firmly believes in shopping away the blues, but it seems that credit cards and couture aren't going to cut it for these lovelorn ladies; only royalty is an acceptable substitute for Chuck and Nate.

But since Serena and Blair are typical Park Avenue princesses used to getting their own way, both have a competitive streak, and Queen B is tired of sharing the spotlight with her BFF; not only does she have a meltdown over Serena supposedly stealing her Monaco Prince Charming, she goes nuclear over the news that Serena plans to join her at Columbia University in the fall.

You can't have a season of 'GG' without S and B turning frenemies, but usually it doesn't happen so soon -- while I'm all for Blair stepping out of Serena's statuesque shadow, hearing that your best friend doesn't want to see you every day is way more hurtful than a dip in a fountain. I'm just jealous that Serena can make "drowned rat" look like high fashion.

Typical of B to be so caught up in her dream of becoming the next Grace Kelly that she completely sabotages her fairytale ending; has she finally learned her lesson about judging a book by his handsome but seemingly moth-eaten cover? Somehow we doubt it.

Back across the pond, Nate is steadily working his way through Chuck's Little Black Book (he's up to the Ts, quite a feat!) and probably contracting every STD known to man along the way.

But while Blair and Chuck are supposedly the star-crossed lovers, it's Nate who's met his own Juliet (Katie Cassidy) -- but is there more to our light-fingered fashionista than meets the eye? Since when has a woman ever dropped into 'Gossip Girl' without an agenda? Despite Juliet's wall of weird that stars all of our usual suspects, don't be so sure that she's our disembodied gossip monger -- the show would never be so on-the-nose about its greatest mystery.

A greater mystery is what happened to all of Dan Humphrey's sanity? Who else wanted to throw something at the screen when Lonely Boy decided to sign Milo's birth certificate without getting a second opinion on that paternity test? Poor, trusting Dan -- it's as if he hasn't been paying attention to his own life for the past three years. And now he's left holding the baby -- I guess he can't be a worse role model than resident crazycake Georgina, but I'm not sure that NYU offers daycare ...

Speaking of the Humphreys, I feel bereft without another tragic Little J ensemble to tear to shreds (although she always does a fine job of that herself), but it sure does feel good to have a whole episode free of her misguided goth makeup and scraggly extensions. Too bad she won't be gone for long.

But the question on everyone's lips was not "who is Serena wearing?" (well, not by the end of the episode, anyway) but more about the fate of our enigmatic Chuck Bass. Our billionaire playboy seems to be taking a page out of Bruce Wayne's playbook -- a secret identity is every superhero's greatest defense, and a beautiful European girlfriend is the perfect accessory while the Batmobile is in for repair.

We're not sure about the Dr. House-esque cane, but has baby Bass really turned over a new leaf? Guess we'll have to wait for his reunion with Blair to know for sure.

What did you think of the transatlantic 'Gossip Girl' premiere, garçons et filles? If you haven't seen enough of "gay Paree", you can see more of it in episode two -- will you be watching?


[Follow Laura on Twitter @LauinLA.]