Dear Laugh Track,

Why do you taunt me, ever so strategically placed between horribly written and executed lines of dialogue? Actually, to call your placement "strategic" is giving you far too much credit, since your existence is more predictable and formulaic than even the most basic episode of 'Saved By The Bell.'

And yes, I realize the irony of referring to a show that relies heavily on your particular form of the dark arts in order to expose you for your evils, Laugh Track. Yet, you continue to insult your audiences on all the major networks with your pandering, your cheesy repartee.

It's not that I think your case is as open and shut as many might think. You came from humble beginnings. Your ancestor, the Live Studio Audience, had some sort of integrity. Shows like 'All in the Family' and 'Happy Days' in the '70s were right to use your predecessor to capture pure, unadulterated joy and laughter from real human beings in order to give the televisual experience a sense of community, a sense of authenticity.

Programs even announced to the world that their episodes were taped "in front of a Live Studio Audience." That's your ancestor. Did 'Two and a Half Men' ever announce that an episode was taped "with a trained monkey in a control room, pushing a button when his editor tells him to?" No. Because you're an embarrassment ... to your heritage, to your audiences, to humanity.

There are situations, however few, where your intentions are pure: kid shows. That's where you make sense. Kids, especially between the ages of four and thirteenish are still trying to develop their sense of humor. It can be very helpful in their developing understanding of sarcasm, context and humor to be told when to laugh.

It's no coincidence that you were put to work in the '80s when the family sitcom explosion left no household untouched by its comedy shrapnel. Kids used to watch these shows with their parents, and it made sense for you to keep up with the kids ... myself included. You taught me well, but I don't need you anymore.

It's as if you believe that your weekly prime time adult viewers are still stuck in a perpetual state of "I don't get it!" Kids don't watch network prime time sitcoms anymore. They watch 'iCarly' or the latest atrocity they find Zack and Cody in. It makes sense for you to be there.

I realize that you are simply a tool ... literally and figuratively. Is the writing so bad in your shows that you are, indeed, necessary to make anything even remotely watchable? Or is your master's opinion of us, the audience, so low that he or she believes we won't "get it" without you?

Either way, we lose. So many shows are thriving without you -- 'The Middle' 'Modern Family,' 'Parks and Recreation,' 'Community' and '30 Rock,' to name a few -- that I suppose we should start looking at your function differently. Instead of using you to know when to laugh, we should use you to know when to turn the channel to something that doesn't insult our intelligence ... like 'Jersey Shore.'

Sincerely,

Everyone Who Owns a Television