'Two and a Half Men' Season 8, Episode 5 Recap

['Two and a Half Men' - 'The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel']

Goodbye Eldridge and Lindsay! As last week's 'Two and a Half Men' portended, Alan's back home in the guest room of Charlie's Malibu beach house ... but without his new extended family. Lindsay (Courtney Thorne-Smith) dropped Alan like a bad habit, which when you think about, is quite accurate.

Even compared to Lindsay's cheating ex-husband, Alan came up short. And judging by Alan's current status since the fire has left him without most of his possessions and clothes, he's so low that even Berta (Conchata Ferrell) is taking pity on Zippy. For more on that and Charlie's visit to Dr. Schenkman, read on.

When you realize that Alan's been living under Charlie's nose all these years, it's kind of surprising that it took this long for Alan to try and step into Charlie's shoes and see what living his life is really like. The answer turned out to be pretty damn nice. Alan not only liked the closed circuit camera views of his butt in Charlie's bed, he also enjoyed acting the big man -- with Charlie's bankroll -- at the local bar. Picking up a beautiful girl was a piece of cake while he was in Charlie's clothes and spending Charlie's money.

It didn't really matter that Gretchen (Errin Hayes) exposed Alan for lying, because when it comes to Alan, you just know it's not going to work out well. You knew that the moment she asked him to play the piano. One question, though -- will Billy Joel sue Chuck Lorre? The way Jon Cryer butchered "We Didn't Start the Fire," he might. But kudos to the show's writers for choosing that song, considering that Alan did start the fire at Lindsay's house!

So Alan succumbed to a little role-playing with a Nazi dominatrix to get some nookie. In Alan's woe-is-me world, it was worth getting hog-tied and being stuck with an inked-on Hitler mustache. If only Jake (Angus T. Jones) had been there to see it.

While Alan was role-playing as Charlie, Charlie decided to improve himself. For a narcissist like Charlie, that could only mean plastic surgery. The sight of Evelyn (Holland Taylor) with a chemical peel would have scared me out the door, but Charlie was committed. In fact, his dream of breast implants was one of the funnier sight gags. It's amazing how much 'Two and a Half Men' can get away with just by miming the action.

All things considered, and with the Lindsay arc ended, Charlie and Alan are back where they started. Alan is barely scraping by and living vicariously through his brother's lucky, lucky life. Charlie, lucky bastard that he is, only has to suffer the fool in his guest room.

Quotes We Liked

Jake: Alan Jerome Harper, DIC.
Alan: You're welcome.
Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.

Alan: Do you have any idea how long it would take me to earn that kind of money?
Charlie: Oh don't think like that. You're never going to earn that kind of money.

Dr. Schenkman: Is there anything else you'd like done while you're out? A little lipo, nose job, penis enlargement?
Charlie: No, no, thanks. For the record, I got the penis enlargement when you (Nurse Kendra) walked in the room.

'Two and a Half Men' airs Mondays at 9PM ET on CBS.