['Survivor: Nicaragua', 'What About Me?']

'Survivor' adage #72: Everyone, EVERYONE looks better out in the bush than they do all tarted up in the studio. More on the reunion in a bit.

So 15 weeks in and here we are on the edges of our seats. Will the evil connivers triumph over the mellow dude or sweet swim coach? We're about to find out.

With Jane gone (at least she took it well, har) the final five are making their pleas to one another and really, I've lost all patience for it. Can't deal with looking at faker-than-fake realtor Sash and his scary smile. Can't stomach any more of Chase's idiocies and frankly, Holly's super nice and all but I'm beginning to envision Frances McDormand playing her in the movie version of this season and it's freaking me out. (Although the Coen brothers would make an interesting 'Survivor,' I'm sure.)

Happily, with three Tribals to get to in two hours they have to move on to the first Immunity Challenge. C'mon Fabio, let's just win this and go back and rest on our laurels 'till the next one. Wait, it's a puzzle. Ugh. Sash won the last puzzle. But, ha! Not this time you slippery sucker. Fab came back from a deficit and pulled out the victory. Hand over that necklace Jeff. Again.

His victory threw a wrench into the fools' alliance, and Sash and Chase started talking about what a good idea it would be to vote off Holly. Uh, not! I-don't-need-the-money-anyway-Dan was sent to Ponderosa for a short stay.

It was so entertaining to watch a post-win Fabio endeavor to keep his mouth shut at all the B.S. they flung his way. He knew better than to start getting into it with anyone at this point and remained a good sport -- all the while knowing that he'd better slam-dunk the final challenge to sew up his place in the final three.

Oh, then blah blah, they went and pay homage to all the "fallen" brothers before them. I'm getting sick of that step although some people I watched it with enjoyed that segment. Maybe I'm just jaded. Or a hardass. Or both.

The final challenge was a fair one that required zero athletic ability: just stack as many of the less-than-perfect coins onto the hilt of a sword without faltering and you win. Piece of cake. Holly slipped up first, then Chase and although the editing tried to make us think a different outcome would transpire, Sash choked and WHATDOYOUKNOW? Fabio threepeated. (We jumped for joy in my house for sure.)

Then it got fun. As king of Libertad, Fabio had a blast around camp watching the former power players trip over themselves to plead their individual cases. Good times.

The good news was that he didn't fall for any of the B.S. and realized that taking Holly to the final would be a big mistake -- it'd be much easier to beat the buffoons than her. Sorry, Holly. Go wash your poodle fro.

After gorging themselves on breakfast galore the following morning (how DO their stomachs, well, stomach that grease after being starved for so long?), the remaining three formulated their pleas for the jury. Chase: I screwed each of you, but I can explain why. Fabio: I never screwed any of you and that has to count for something. Sash: I'm so used to screwing everybody that I've lost sight of the difference.

Each former player had their say, the best being Marty, who made a complete fool of Chase without his even realizing it because, really, he IS dumber than a bag of hammers. Or box of rocks. Although a pleasantly plump Alina (who looked kinda like Lea Thompson as Marty's bloated mom) took a sudden, strange liking to Chase because he came in a changed man or some such hogwash.

Then it was off to CBS Studios in Los Angeles where an almost unrecognizable Sash (he must've gained what? 50 lbs.?) flanked a shorn (but still hot) Fabio and, oh yeah, Chase was there too.

Jeff read the votes and for a scary 2.1 seconds, it looked like Fabio might, in fact, lose to CHASE. Noooooooo!!!!! But, phew, in the end, Fab pulled out a 5-4 win and pocketed the million bucks. Alina jumped up to hug him (Traitor! but, hey, can you blame her?). And he jumped out into the audience to kiss his mom, dad and younger siblings. Cute.

Hey, don't want to say I called it way back when, but, I called it way back when. Just knew that he was playing the dumb blonde card. I'm just glad that a good guy won. Let's just hope that if he comes back for an All-Stars type repeat, he is still a good guy. Right J.T.?