'Jersey Shore' Season 3, Episode 2 Recap
by Dr. Ryan Vaughan, PhD (no, seriously), posted Jan 14th 2011 6:15AM
['Jersey Shore' - Season 3, Episode 2]
As I watched a video of The Situation hawking his new, trademarked, "Gym, Tan, Laundry Bag" on 'The View,' I, for the first time achieved a level of respect for the hosts. They had to sit there, in front of millions of people, and act like a suit bag that is simultaneously a laundry bag, is a good idea.
That takes unwavering pride-swallowing skills, especially when they realize that the name of the bag implies that there are enough dudes out there who wear suits -- most likely sans shirt -- to the gym to necessitate a bag designed specifically for this particular type of moron. How does your product address the "Gym" and "Tan" features it claims to offer its consumer, Mr. Sorrentino? I will let you know as soon as mine arrives.
Oh yeah, and everyone in the house is going to ream each other out, then try to feel each other up.
I don't know if the fact that nothing ever happens on 'Jersey Shore' makes my job harder or easier, but I'm continually amazed that they can get away with it. We picked up this week where we left off last -- the fallout from the Sammi/Jenni brawl that ended with Mike saying, "This has been a crazy night," but I beg to differ. "Crazy" would have been Sammi and Jenni coming to a mutual agreement and going shopping for pantsuits together.
The house is clearly divided into three camps: Ronnie and Sammi, Snooki, Deena and Jenni, and the neutral camp of Mike, Vinny and Pauly. This is not to say that those lines are carved in stone as Snooki started to show some compassion for Sammi and her past with Ronnie, and Deena is just not a likeable person. This led to Sammi questioning Ronnie's allegiance: Does it lie with her, or his old pal Snooki?
Deena and Snooki refused to let anyone think that they don't "have fun," and if you thought they didn't know how to have fun, they got into suitcases, fell off hammocks, hid in bushes and played one-on-one kickball on the roof until you believed them. I would have taken their word for it if it meant not having to see them try to retrieve their ball from the adjacent roof. How many 'Jersey Shore' members does it take to get a ball off a roof, indeed.
Mike was hell-bent on rallying the house and getting everyone back together after what transpired on the first night. He woke everybody up with no resistance, until he got to Ronnie who had, unsurprisingly, had "enough with the 'family' s@#t." Thank you, Ronnie. Just because you overuse certain words doesn't mean you understand them. Words like "family," "crazy" and "bitch" lose their meaning when you refuse to use them judiciously. You're a family as much as dancing at a club is crazy, but The Sitch does what he can.
The boys and Sammi hit the gym, while the girls went on talking trash about Sammi, and tanning. I want to feel sympathy for Sammi since she really has no one in the house and is starting to lose Ronnie as well, but as soon as I'm about to start tearing up, I remember ... SHE'S ON THE BLEEPING 'JERSEY SHORE,' and at some point she had this conversation:
MTV goon: "So, Sammi. Any interest in going back down the shore with all your sworn enemies in what will most likely end up with you sobbing uncontrollably on a bean-bag chair after taking a swing at a cop?"
Then the gang got ready to go out, only Ronnie and Sammi decided to stay in for the night. It's difficult to tell if they just want to be a normal couple or if they're so insecure that they're afraid that if they leave their room they'll find out they're not really in love so much as a horribly controlling relationship. But it's T-Shirt time for everybody else, and the notion that "vanity is the quicksand of reason" never rang more true.
They went to Karma where Deena was eager to demonstrate how her skanking skills translate from the house to the club. The popularity of the show must make these sequences impossible to film. A girl followed Vinny around the club all night, presumably to put "girl who followed Vinny around the club" on her resume. Meanwhile, Snooki hid in a bush, because "honestly, like, who hides in a bush?" I know who hides in a bush: Someone who makes a living being an idiot and is out of ideas. Don't think Snooki didn't have this conversation:
MTV goon: "No, Snooki. You already flashed the bartender. You need to take it up a notch."
Snooki: "I could hide in this bush for no reason. That's crazy, right?"
MTV goon: "No, but, whatever."
Vinny and Mike came out of the evening with only one girl between them, and this brought about an interesting dilemma: Who gets to pretend to have sex with her under the covers while we watch as if through night-vision goggles? It turned out not to be much of a dilemma, as Vinny decided he would lock Mike out, leaving him "stuck with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich right now."
To that, Deena offered her "services," and The Situation had quite a laugh over that. Generally, if people prefer the company of a kindergartner's lunch treat to you, you have no redeeming qualities.
Ronnie and Sammi continued to sequester themselves from the rest of the house. They got up and went to church, going MIA for the entire day on Sunday. Much to the displeasure of everyone else. If nothing else, 'Jersey Shore' makes it abundantly and disturbingly clear that stupid is the new normal when we see Ronnie and Sam marginalized for trying to have a relationship.
Sunday was for staying in and preparing a "family dinner" that also served as some sort of effed-up Jersey penance type thing where they squash all their differences from the previous week. All the talk was of Sammi and Ronnie and their betrayal of the sacred Sunday dinner. They magically returned during the meal, and thus began the night of a thousand awkward silences. Pauly called them out, but Ronnie and Sammi weren't having any of it.
All the talk around the house was about Sammi, and Jenni was done, but Snooki felt bad for Sammi and what Ronnie did to her in Miami. In all honesty, I feel for Ronnie. There's nothing worse than having to please your girlfriend and your friends when they won't have anything to do with each other. He was ready to choose Sammi until she played the whole trust/Miami card. Mike wants his boy back, but that means the girls too, and Sammi wants them crippled, and you could see Ronnie being pulled, and beginning to tear when he told Sammi, "You don't always have to be up my ass."
And in the most prophetic moment of the entire series, and quite possibly all of television history, Sammi grumbled, "This is becoming just like Miami." Yes! You finally get it, Sammi! Of course it's just like Miami ... and Season 1 ... and every night for you guys for the rest of your lives! If it's not "just like Miami," people will start to say, "Dude, 'Jersey Shore' really sucks this season. They should do more of the same exact thing, over and over, incredulously. That's what they always did, and therefore, that's what I want to see."
"It was like me against the three f@#king trash bags in the house." - Sammi
Actually, that's more offensive to actual bags of trash.
"She's a female back pack." - Snooki
That sounds awesome!
"I don't think we've ever been separated during Sunday dinner, so, this is a profound moment." - Vinny
I'm not sure you know what "profound" means, Vinny.
"She has the banana I wanted." - Deena
Isn't that always how it is?
"We need this ball back so we can have a good time again." - Snooki
Don't you need two balls for that?
"Why are you the only one that's allowed to hurt?" - Ronnie
"I'm sick." - Sammi
Some antibiotics should clear that right up.
Soul Snatch: This episode registered pretty low on the Snatch scale. I'd say I lost about 8 percent of my soul watching the team assemble a contraption to get a ball off the roof, that could have just as easily been retrieved by hopping over the railing.
'Jersey Shore' airs Thursdays, 10PM ET on MTV.
Dr. Vaughan teaches English/Media/Humor courses at Binghamton University in upstate New York, and he knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout. You can also check out his blog at drvtv.wordpress.com or www.facebook.com/pages/Ryan-Vaughan/21931402981
Watch the full episode here: