[Ed. note: Dr. Vaughan is taking over this column from Jay Black. For a note from Jay, scroll down to the bottom of this post.]

In order to do a list like this, it's imperative that we first establish what "perviest" means, especially since I'm pretty sure I just made the word up. When my editor -- the lovely Kelly Woo -- asked me to do this list, "in honor of the return of Hank Moody (David Duchovny) on 'Californication," I got to thinking: what really makes a TV perv?

Using Moody as a template, I determined that he was not, in fact, a perv. Sure his lascivious behavior and his overall filth make him look like a perv, but he simply gets laid too much to be considered one. If having lots of sex makes a character a pervert, then we could give the title to Dog the Bounty Hunter and be done with it.

There was my first qualification: a perv is someone who thinks about sex all the time, but rarely gets any (at least with other people ... on purpose). While Moody, and countless characters like him are arguably dirtbags, people have sex with them intentionally. A true perv gets jollies by following a girl around the mall for a couple hours because she "kinda looked like a one of the chick Avatars. You know, one of those blue chicks from the space movie." Mustache optional, but ideal.

So here's my list of the perviest characters on TV now ...

Horatio Caine ('CSI: Miami')
Despite being a ginger -- although that may have a lot to do with it -- David Caruso has been perving it up on screens big and small for years. He's just so leathery and acts as though he's perpetually sneaking upskirts through the shades he refuses to remove. There has never been another character on television that made me feel violated just by crouching down at a crime scene ... and that includes Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Zack Martin ('The Suite Life of Zack & Cody')
There's something deeply disturbing about a sex-obsessed 12-year-old. I get it, you're supposed to be starting to think about girls at that age, but I would hope you're not chasing tail like the Tasmanian Devil. Now he's in his teens and making awkward passes at girls his age, as is the natural order of things, when you're supposed to be a perv.

Elka Ostrovsky ('Hot in Cleveland')
Far worse than a horndog pre-teen is a swinging octogenarian. Betty White survived the horny old lady boom of the '80s by starring as the prudish Rose Niland on the pinnacle of skeevy blue-hair comedy, 'The Golden Girls,' but now she's making up for lost time. Watching Elka deliver stiff lines of hackneyed innuendo every week, out-dueling legitimately attractive women for local dudes makes me regurgitate things I ate a month ago. Elka wanting sex is perverted enough, but bragging about wanting it is the stuff of legends.

Glen Quagmire ('Family Guy')
Quagmire is the obligatory "exception proves the rule" case. His entire identity is based on having lots of sex, like our test case, Hank Moody. But there's something sleazy about Quagmire's dedication to luring women back to his den of questionable judgement, and I think that's the fundamental distinction between the two: the "luring" part. There's an element of trickery and deception that the perv must rely on to score. Deals must be made, confidentiality agreements must be signed, test results must be disclosed.

Michael Scott ('The Office')
Michael Scott occupies the other end of the pervert spectrum, giving it balance, and making it unsafe for any woman in the workplace. Michael knows has so little knowledge about women and sex that he is arguably more naturally perverted than anyone else on TV. Ignorance, inexperience, too much 'Entourage' and an unhealthy dependence on Urban Dictionary for sexual cues make Michael the king of the naive pervs.

Charlie Day ('It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia')
I'll be honest, Charlie made the list for his stalking skills. His relentless pursuit of "the waitress" in the face of consistent disdain and rejection is creepily admirable. Stalking is a huge contributor to perviness. Just ask Duane Chapman (Dog the Bounty Hunter)! We can also assume that the only sex Charlie gets is from Frank, which is equal parts perverted and intriguing.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Mr. Feeny ('Boy Meets World')
He's got it all, folks. Working closely with the kids for all those years, unable to let go, following them all the way through college. He's an older, distinguished single gentleman, and the mustache ... ahhhh, the mustache!


Who do you think is the perviest character on TV?

Dr. Vaughan teaches English/Media/Humor courses at Binghamton University in upstate New York, and he's got it goin' on. You can also check out his blog at drvtv.wordpress.com or www.facebook.com/pages/Ryan-Vaughan/21931402981



A note from former TV 101 columnist, Jay Black:
Over the course of the last three years, the TV 101 column has recorded more pageviews than any other feature here at TV Squad. Unfortunately, however, I've had a fallout with the Russian mob and they've shut down the Ukrainian server farm that I had been using to automatically generate those pageviews. Because of this, TV Squad and I have decided it was best if someone else takes over the column.

The original concept of the TV 101 column was humorous observations from a former teacher (TV 101, get it!?) It makes sense then, that I pass the torch to Professor Ryan Vaughn, a man who will carry the column to places it's never been (like grammatical solvency and being turned in on time).

I won't be disappearing completely from TV Squad -- I'll still be banging out columns when my comedy schedule allows -- but the TV 101 column is now Dr. Vaughn's. I look forward to seeing his columns appearing regularly in this space! Thank you all for your time and readership!