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October 10, 2015

Super Duper Super Bowl 2011 Predictions

by Dr. Ryan Vaughan, PhD (no, seriously), posted Feb 6th 2011 11:45AM
Super Bowl XLVIt's one of the biggest TV weekends of the year. Outside of the big 'Say Yes to the Dress' finale, no other television events elicits more anticipation and preparation leading up to the actual show.

The hype builds for weeks and weeks. People and analysts alike are forced to stretch what should be a few minutes of discussion and analysis into a two week, soul-crushing marathon of overused cliches -- like "Give 110 percent," "We just need to play our game" and "Hey! Don't touch me there!" -- and washed up "experts" just trying to scrape together enough money to pay the minimum on their baby mama's credit card bill.

Advertisers clamor for this day like little girls (and writers of this article) do for even a glimpse of Justin Bieber's impish smile and signature hair-flip, dropping millions and millions of dollars to attempt to wow America with 30 seconds of cheeky anthropomorphic cartoon animals and a hollow, over-produced, lip-synced, celebrity half-time extravaganza that generally feels like some sort of cruel public mass-torture ploy to punish everyone.

Oh yeah... and there's a football game thrown in there somewhere too, and here are some of my predictions for the big day.

Someone you know will mention that Super Bowl Sunday should be a national holiday at this point, as though he or she was the first person to ever think this. There is also a 30 percent chance this person is someone you are talking to out of obligation rather than genuine interest, with a 78 percent chance of mentioning how difficult it's going to be to go to work on Monday.

Of all the tailgaters outside the game, only a small percentage will actually utilize the actual tailgates on their vehicles, and of that percentage, all of them will use it to prop themselves up while they pee in an empty Gatorade bottle.

Due to the unseasonably cold weather, ticket scalpers will give up selling Super Bowl tickets, instead choosing to hock tickets to next week's rodeo.

Christina Aguilera's rendition of the national anthem will involve a lot of plugging her left ear with her fingers and wildly gesticulating with her right hand and arm as if she is conducting herself like an orchestra of crazy. She will wear a cowboy hat.

The coin toss will be tails. I'm told it never fails.

With neither team having a corresponding cheerleading squad, local Dallas/Ft. Worth strippers will be asked to cheer for both teams through an outreach program that seeks to place sexy wayward youth into more socially respectable flesh-peddling careers.

In the first quarter of the game, Steeler quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger will finally succumb to the overwhelming burden of his gargantuan head when his body becomes unable to support its inhuman weight and girth.

As a result of this game-changing injury, panicked gamblers across the country will quickly migrate to the nearest ledge having wagered everything they have on the Steelers to cover the spread, only to be brought in from the ledge when their bros tell them the nachos are ready.

This Super Bowl will be the first NFL game to penalize players for giving exuberant "first down" gestures after making a reception. The penalty: death by letting me kick them a lot.

Packers linebacker Clay Matthews's hair, feeling slighted, unloved, and overshadowed by Steelers safety, Troy Polamalu's tresses, will be overheard saying, "Yeah, so? I could look like that too if I wanted. I guess I'm just not into being all 'hey, look at me! I'm soo cool!'" Polamalu's hair will refuse comment.

Packers defensive lineman, B.J. Raji will eat an opposing player. Swallow him whole. Steelers head coach, Mike Tomlin will challenge the play and the booth will penalize the Packers five yards for eating.

By the end of the third quarter over 100,000 home viewers will have crossed the weight threshold from merely being overweight to straight-up obesity.

So distraught by his inability to control the inclement weather in and around Dallas, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, in an impulsive fit of rage, unveils and implements his secret death ray to blow up the sun.

Fox announcers will spend a good deal of air time talking about Brett Favre as though he slept over at their house the night before. When they are not talking about Favre, they will either talk about Roethlisberger's ability to extend plays, Steelers reciever Hines Ward's Asian heritage, Clay Mathews's grampa, or the unrest in Egypt.

Fergie, dismayed by the thought of having to perform with the three other Peas, will only perform if she gets to sing "Super Bowlicious" to the tune of her hit song 'Fergalicious,' a decision that everyone will immediately regret when they remember how annoying Fergie is whith her whole "diva" thing. will.i.am will go so far as to call her a "poorman's Pink," making for an awkward ride back to the hotel.

At some point during the game you will have to wake up the person next to you while they exclaim as if still dreaming, "touchdown in the butt!"

Your one friend who is really into the game will get so angry at the rest of the party only stopping to watch the commercials that he will lock himself in the garage to watch the game on a portable TV, sitting on a mini-cooler full of Coors and snacking on an already opened bag of Fritos.

The Steelers will win their third Super Bowl in six years, serving as a bleak reminder that you never really accomplished everything that you could have.

On the podium after the game, Jerry Jones will offer the Steelers eight million dollars for the Vince Lombardi Trophy. When they reject the offer, he will ask if they have any other trophies in the back that they might be willing to part with.

Steelers running back, Rashard Mendenhall will be named the game's MVP. When asked what he's going to do now that he has won the Super Bowl, he will reply with "I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. Maybe hit one of those indoor water parks, or Amish country?"

Enjoy the game and all its glory, everybody!

What's your Super Bowl prediction?

Dr. Vaughan teaches English/Media/Humor courses at Binghamton University in upstate New York, and he's got a stew goin'. You can also check out his blog at drvtv.wordpress.com or www.facebook.com/pages/Ryan-Vaughan/21931402981

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Kevin Siegel

Brett Favre was not mentioned once, which again reminds me how much I miss John Madden and his man love for Favre. I can't stand watching Joe Buck look at Troy Aikman like he wants to kiss him the entire superbowl.

February 08 2011 at 1:03 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I predict Rape-sburger will choke on his own vomit on the final drive of the game and cough up the game to the Packers.

February 07 2011 at 9:21 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I definitely want the Packers to bring it on home this year. I am a Saints fan but since I'm not in huge favor of the Steelers and I have to choose one, I will be green and yellow for a day. I will be watching the game on my Logitech Revue with DISH Network and since I got it for $179 instead of the MSRP price of $299, I'll be happy no matter who wins. I work and subscribe to DISH Network and this day is huge! I'm so stoked that I am going to be able to watch and tweet about it on the Revue.


February 06 2011 at 6:17 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

I'm stuck at work and miserable, and this cheered me up a lot :) Miss you, Vaughan!

February 06 2011 at 3:05 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

If you don't care about the Superbowl or even the commercials, consider this: http://wp.me/pV6qJ-dY

February 06 2011 at 12:46 PM Report abuse -1 rate up rate down Reply

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