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September 22, 2014

TV 101: TV's Most Dateable Characters

by Dr. Ryan Vaughan, PhD (no, seriously), posted Feb 9th 2011 1:00PM
Penny, Big Bang TheoryEvery Valentine's Day, the deluge of complaints about how "Valentine's Day is just created by the people at Hallmark and Hershey and KY and walk-in clinics to sell products and services" is overwhelming, and I have just one thing to say to that: So?!

We live in a country that dedicates an entire day to getting laid, and we're going to complain about it? I can think of plenty of worse things to manufacture a holiday around, like Amputation Day (created by pirates to sell more peg-legs).

In the spirit of embracing Valentine's Day, here's a list of TV's most dateable characters. In the event that you spend the day alone, you can flip on your television or pop in a DVD, open that bottle of wine and pretend to have a date with a fictional character until you fall asleep making out with a pillow.

Penny, 'The Big Bang Theory'
She hangs around dorks all day. By 8PM on Valentine's Day, you'd have to think she'll be up for pretty much anything. You want to spend the evening playing Laser-Tag before dining at Applebee's, then groping her in the back seat of your Elantra? Who is she to object? Considering how she spends her days, she'll be happy just to help you finish your fries.

Tom Haverford, 'Parks & Recreation'
If you're looking for a smooth-talking, sharp-dressed socialite fresh off a green-card marriage, look no further. You just want to have a good time, and "good time" is Tom's middle name. Actually, his middle name is more like "desperate to the point of physical pain," but no one gets a party bumpin' better. If you can fend off his incessant overtures long enough, you'll eventually enjoy your evening of complimentary drinks at the Snakehole Lounge.



Alicia Florrick, 'The Good Wife'
Is there a better possible valentine than a woman with two kids and a husband who very publicly cheated on her with a hooker? I think not. Who better to help her start rebuilding her torn-apart life than someone like yourself? The two of you can play sexy lawyer and naughty arsonist all night long.

Dylan, 'Modern Family'
He's young and has that whole "stupid rebel" thing working. Now that he and Hayley are on a break, and things didn't work out with Mr. Dunphy, he's ready to make Hayley jealous ... if he knew what "jealous" meant. He'll write you a special V-Day song that rhymes your name with three different kinds of fruit.



Dr. Gregory House, 'House'
This is mostly for all you masochists out there. Yes, House is a curmudgeon who will spend most of the evening complaining about the weather and telling you everything he can't stand about you. But he will also most likely be carrying a cocktail of prescription narcotics the combination of which will have you both locked in a bathroom stall exchanging pants.

Sue Sylvester, 'Glee'
If anyone needs the good love of a man, it's Sue Sylvester. The ball-busting head coach of the Cheerios wants what we all want: total world domination and chocolate. Certainly you can give her at least one of these. You would think that Sue would be a horrible date, berating you over the decision to go see 'Justin Bieber: Never Say Never' when the perfectly good 'Yogi Bear' was playing in the next theater, but when the lights go down, you'll find her tenderness as a lover almost off-putting.



The Cape, 'The Cape'
The Cape's personal ad: KOGSWSHISOSFLAFW/CILSE (Kind of gay single white superhero in search of single female, literally any female, with cape interest and low self-esteem). Since proclaiming himself other worldly, his love life has taken a nosedive into a pool of shame, so he's more than eager to please. If you can get past the mask and cape and constantly winking when telling you that "he wants to show you his biggest hero," you might just have a delightful evening.

Liz Lemon, '30 Rock'
What's not to love about Liz? You will most likely spend your night laughing between raw tubes of cookie dough and a spirited game of "Marry Boff Kill." Liz is a man's woman. She can compete with you in a belching contest and teach you about the erotic nuances of "snarting." If you're lucky, she'll let you go under the shirt, over the bra while you watch "MILF Island."



Everybody on 'Community'
This would be perfect for a big group date on Valentine's Day, stripping away all the artifice of flowers and jewelry and bypassing all the pressure of creating a perfect day. With a little something for everyone (white, black, brown, male, female, old, young, hot, nerdy), you could all go to the mall and get each other gag gifts from Spencer's. After some roast beef at Arby's you could single out your conquest and make your move in the parking lot behind Macy's.



Which TV character would you like to date?


Dr. Vaughan teaches English/media/humor courses at Binghamton University in upstate New York, and he's heard a lot about you. You can also check out his blog or find him on Facebook.

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11 Comments

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imackcountry

Brittany S. Pierce, "Glee." Best body on television today. Gorgeous eyes. Infectious smile. Good heart. Funny as heck. Could teach me to dance. Does hotter Britney Spears videos than Britney Spears. Has bisexual tendencies. Motocross racer. Switched from Dr. Pepper to a toothbrush for dental care. Loves sex. Good fashion sense. Not an intellectual, so I wouldn't need to to pretend I like ballets, symphonies, lectures, PBS or NPR.

February 11 2011 at 2:37 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Chad Mourning

If she weren't married Amy Pond from Doctor Who.

February 10 2011 at 11:48 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Ellie

I definitely agree with the last one, except the choices for me would only be Jeff, Troy, and/or Abed. Pierce is too old for me and I'm not into women.
And, why the hell not? I'll also throw in Dr. John Watson and DI Lestrade from Sherlock. Granted, the date would most likely get interrupted by the world's only consulting detective and I'd almost get killed on this date, but, on the plus side, this world's only consulting detective is hot.

February 10 2011 at 10:20 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kwmi Kemi

LOL, I think you got that right!

www.net-privacy.at.tc

February 10 2011 at 9:49 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kim Visan

Without a doubt...Jax from Sons of Anarchy! He's sexy!

February 09 2011 at 9:28 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Gina

Jax Sons of Anarchy. Go for a bike ride, blow something up.

February 09 2011 at 2:04 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
EOR

DYLAN MCKAY!!!

February 09 2011 at 1:18 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Ipsilon

I miss Jay Black.

February 09 2011 at 1:18 PM Report abuse +1 rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to Ipsilon's comment
William

Seconded.

February 09 2011 at 1:25 PM Report abuse +1 rate up rate down Reply
2 replies to William's comment
Keith

He still does our podcast: http://cliqueclack.com/tv/category/features/podclack/

February 09 2011 at 4:22 PM Report abuse rate up rate down
Ipsilon

My opinion on the content of /this/ particular article notwithstanding, what I meant was: TV 101 developed a certain ... rapier wit and dry humor that was due entirely to Black's writing, as well as insightful observations and some damn good ideas about where television should go in this ever-changing era.

Dr. Vaughan isn't a bad writer at all, but the tone of the TV 101 articles has changed so much (which characters are date-able? Really?) that I think it should be called something else, now. TV 101 should've stopped when Black did.

February 10 2011 at 1:15 PM Report abuse rate up rate down
Dan

Actually I'd be all for Amputation Day. Especially of the classic pirates of yesteryear were promoting it.

February 09 2011 at 1:17 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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