Journal of a Couch Potato: A Day with Disney Junior

I haven't been a "junior" anything in a very long time. But I'm a guy, and guys like cartoons as much as kids do, right? Maybe even more sometimes.

For my second Journal of a Couch Potato, I watched the new "Disney Junior" (formerly "Playhouse Disney") programming block on The Disney Channel, a mix of old and new shows. The changes were made to include more "social values" into the pre-school programming.

It all starts at 4AM ...

3:35AM
I guess I could have set my alarm for 3:59, but I need time to actually, you know, WAKE UP. Tea and a face smacked with cold water helps.

I'm really curious as to why this Disney programming has to start early. Are pre-school kids awake? I have a feeling that even the little ones would look at their moms with a WTF expression when they're dragged downstairs to watch cartoons before the rubbish collectors are even out on the street.

4:00
The first show is 'Little Einsteins,' which at first sounds like one of those movies where a baby talks, like those E*Trade commercials. But it's not. It's about a group of kids who look less like cartoons characters than online avatars used to represent us when we post comments on Blogger. They have a rocket ship friend who seems to be alive, though he doesn't talk. The theme song says "We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship!" That's going to be in my head all day, isn't it?

In the first minute of this show there's a reference to Andy Warhol. Is this typical of this show? Now they're talking about Johann Strauss. Am I still asleep and dreaming something strange? If the kids start talking about Studio 54, I'm going back to bed.

Colorful show, and I can see why little kids would get so involved in it, with the music and the characters asking viewers for help. But I'm an adult and I can't help wondering where the parents of these little Einsteins are.

4:25
A little five-minute show called 'Happy Monster Band,' which consists of colorful talking shapes that are going on a world tour in France. For some reason the circle has three eyes, the square has one sharp vampire tooth, and the two triangle people (people?) are both driving the car at the same time.

Maybe I'm not going back to bed after this, because this is the stuff of nightmares.

We're only half an hour into this programming and kids have already learned about Strauss waltzes and they've seen a picture of Andy Warhol. No telling what else is in store the rest of the morning.

4:55
After another 'Little Einsteins,' we have another short called 'Dance-A-Lot-Robot.' This is something that 'SNL' should immediately spoof. It actually sounds like a sketch they'd do. A robot teaches kids how to dance, something every parent wants their child doing at 4:55 in the morning. This one features a race car dance and techno music. The dance consists of lifting your legs and walking in a circle, so I'm not even sure it can technically be called a "dance." More like a "walk."

4:59
Commercial for the network is telling me to "Wake up! Wake Up!"

5:01
Wow, I didn't realize they were showing 'Judge Judy' on Disney. Oh, wait, rubbing my eyes I see that it's 'Jungle Junction.' This show features a bunch of animals that live in the jungle -- frogs, pigs, elephants, etc -- and they all seem to have wheels for some reason. And British accents.

5:25
This short is called 'Can You Teach My Alligator Manners?," which sounds like a reality show that Fox might have. But it's a show that attempts to show kids about manners, with a quiz about the how the alligator should act towards the kids' nana. Who I think is voiced by George Constanza's mom.

NOTE TO KIDS: Alligators can never, ever really be "your best pal." Even one that likes doing armpit farts.

5:30
It's time for 'Timmy Time.' Timmy is a sheep (I think?) who lives with owls and ducks and pigs and chickens. They don't talk to each other, they quack and baaaaa and gobble and oink. I'm immediately going to trademark that idea for a TV show, by the way: 'Quack, Baaaa, Gobble, and Oink.' Four animals that happen to be lawyers and have their own firm. They can teach kids about the law!

I'm beginning to think that all of these shows are just 'The New Zoo Revue,' only in cartoon form.

5:55
'Tasty Time with ZeFronk.' A cartoon cooking show featuring a French dog. Does France finance this channel or something?

6:00
'Chuggington' is about a living, breathing, talking train (actually, several) and their adventures with humans at a train station.

'Chuggington' sounds like a nickname that college kids would give a friend who drinks a lot, which could be another audience for these shows this early in the morning.

6:25
'Where is Warehouse Mouse?' Wow, the first live-action show of the day. It's another short, about -- and I'm guessing here -- four employees of a warehouse who sing and dance while they look for a mouse? It's done with hand puppets and items on strings.

I really fear what will happen in the final episode of this show, when the warehouse employees learn about the world of traps and cheese.

6:30
'Special Agent Oso." This is the first show theme song that hasn't made me want to cover my ears. Maybe it's because I love spy movies, which this show is based on. In fact, this episode is titled 'From China With Love,' which no kid will get but is a title that will make parents smile. There's even a Q character who gives Oso -- a spy bear, he's "O So special" -- gadgets to use on his mission.

The first question for kids watching is which locker room Oso should go into, the boys or the girls? He seems to figure it out on his own but still thanks us watching at home for the help, which is confusing.

This show is like 'Archer,' only for the 'Barney' set.

7:30
'Handy Manny.' I've never been good with my hands, but I'd be a regular Bob Vila if I had tools that could do things on their own. This guy has saws that saw wood themselves and hammers that bang nails themselves (by floating...somehow).

You gotta wonder how little kids can watch these shows and not believe that pigs can talk and inanimate objects can be your buddies.

8:00
'The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.' In the first scene, Mickey asks us if we want to go inside of his clubhouse with him. He puts his hand to his ear, waiting for our answer, and then says "Alright!" But what if we had said no? Would the show end right there and give us another option?

That's actually not a bad idea. I don't know how they would do it tech-wise, but it would be an interactive cartoon. They might as well do that, since many of these shows seem more like video games -- not just in the way they ask kids questions about what to do next but also in the way they look -- and not really cartoons like we used to know them. Which is kinda sad, really.

8:30
'Jake and the Never Land Pirates.' This is the big new show of the bunch. Not sure where Peter Pan is, but this one features Jake and his friends battling Captain Hook, though "battling" seems to mean "helping out" too.

This ep has the gang returning Captain Hook's hat to him, and when they do they get four gold coins. Which is another lame video game-ish aspect of this programming. Jake and his friends are keep their gold in a chest. I'm guessing they're saving up for a Nintendo Wii.

By the way, this episode's password is "Yo-ho-ho." I guess they don't want to mention the "bottle of rum" part.

10:00
'Babar and the Adventures of Badou.' Not sure how much more I can take of this.

11:00
'Tinga Tinga Tales.' I'm imagining the college kids I mentioned above -- perhaps under the influence of a not-so-legal product -- COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT AT THE OPENING OF THIS SHOW.




12:25PM
It seems that 'Jake and the Never Land Pirates' also has a band! Just like 'Josie and the Pussycats,' I guess. But this is a live-action band, playing sort of a pop-grunge anthem. No explanation why being a pirate is a good thing.

Cool skulls and bones on the guitar though.

1:30
Hey, it's those warehouse guys again! At least I think it's the same four guys. Apparently they're 'The Imagination Movers,' because they ... move imaginations? Not sure, but it does feature that mouse again, who helps the guys find a missing puzzle piece.

This episode also features a movie director character named Stanley Spielburger.

So what did I learn from the new "social values" content of Disney Junior? Three things, actually. One is that we should be nice to everyone, even if they're evil villains or deadly animals that want to maul you. Two, kids love a lot of colors and songs that would drive adults insane. And the third is that I'm glad I don't have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to watch kids shows after this.


(By the way, the network saw double digit ratings gains the first day with the new schedule, with 'Jake and the Never Land Pirates' being Disney's highest pre-school debut ever. Ahoy!)


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