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October 23, 2014

2011 Juno Awards: If We Could Give Out Our Own

by Stephanie Earp, posted Mar 28th 2011 2:05PM
The 2011 Juno awards -- usually explained to Americans as Canada's Grammys, with a dash of the Teen Choice Awards -- were handed out last night. Actually, that's not exactly accurate. Eight Junos were handed out last night. Over two-and-a-half hours. The other 32 were handed out the night before at a gala dinner. I love that the Junos expend most of their air time on performances (and there were some great ones last night) but eight, in this case, just weren't enough. So I decided to add a few awards of my own:

Best Pre-Emptive Self-Deprecating Joke: Ben Mulroney
As eTalk host and national whipping boy Ben Mulroney presented, he said he wished he could be as cool as Jim Cuddy. And while everyone viewing was forming the words, he continued, explaining that would never happen because "I'm Ben Mulroney" -- said with just a touch of a sigh in his voice.





Silver Foxiest: Jim Cuddy

To the likes of Anderson Cooper, Pierce Brosnan and Alec Baldwin, add Jim Cuddy of Blue Rodeo fame. Ben Mulroney isn't his only fan, as Twitter exploded with lusty posts when The Cuddler took the stage to perform.







Best Robert Palmer Reference: Chromeo
Anyone -- Shania Twain included -- can dress their back-up band in black and slick back their hair in honour of the late, great Mr. Palmer, but these fellows went one better. They put sexy legs on their keyboards. I finally understand why the Victorians put skirts on their pianos to avoid unintentional arousal.







Best Performance by Senior Citizens in a Sketch: Old Money Crew
The best sketch -- and maybe the best moment -- of the ceremony was a video. (Hey, if it's good enough for 'Saturday Night Live'...) In it, host Drake visited a senior's home to teach the inmates how to party like a rap star. Between the money throwing, gang signs and drinking champagne from the bottle, I am almost convinced I could get my Mom to like Kanye West. I'm so cynical though: I'm just waiting for news to break that the seniors are all actors trying to get a part on 'Degrassi' and this was their audition.

Stalkeriest Performance by a Juno Host in a Sketch: Drake
The first five minutes of the Junos were actually the worst, which I suppose means it was all uphill from there. Apparently, how Drake prepares for a big show is to Skype Justin Bieber and sing Sarah McLachlan songs at him. To make matters worse, later on Drake implied that Sarah should take advantage of Justin's fandom and um ... take advantage of him. Ew.




Meryl Streepiest: Great Big Sea
Nominated 11 times, Great Big Sea failed to win yet again. They just need to record their 'Sophie's Choice' or 'Kramer vs. Kramer'.










Most Condescending Attitude in a Video Tribute: Usher/Yoko Ono
I think everyone knows Usher is kind of a jerk, but in case we forgot, he gave us a nice reminder during a video tribute to our fine nation. Basically, he thanked us for existing so that Justin Bieber could be born here, providing Usher with the chance to mentor him. You're welcome, Usher. Least we could do. But surpassing him for the subtleness of the insult is the usually adorable Yoko Ono, who honoured our country for having hotels, in one of which she and John Lennon were able to host a bed-in and write the song 'Give Peace a Chance.' I know that when it comes to comparing the musical accomplishments of The Arcade Fire to those of the Queen Elizabeth Hotel in Montreal, I'm equally proud of both.

Time Traveliest: Neil Young
Other than Canadian bush (see below -- no pun intended) Neil Young got the most shout-outs at the ceremony. He is a hero to many artists, Canadian or otherwise. But I think Neil echoed the thoughts of many when he accepted the Artist of the Year award with the words "what year is this?" Although I suppose it bodes well that someone being honoured for a lifetime of achievement and humanitarian work is still considered relevant enough to win a main category, I can't help but think they should have re-named this one the 'Thanks For Coming to Our Award Show, We Know You Almost Never Come To These Things' Award.

Best Double Entendre about Canada and Pubic Hair: Shania Twain
When Shania Twain accepted her Hall of Fame induction, she said she felt like she should be wearing the Canadian flag. I'm glad she wasn't -- I thought she was the best-dressed at the show. But she also waxed poetical about Canada's many beauties, including her love for 'Canadian bush.' There were giggles and sniggers, but through it all, in true Shania fashion, it was completely unclear if she knew she had made a funny. Isn't this one of the things we love about Shania though -- that we have no idea if the woman has a sense of humour?

Overexplainiest: Justin Bieber
The nice thing about being away on tour when a big awards show happens is you can pre-tape your acceptance speech and avoid potential faux-pas. Even nicer is when you win multiple awards from afar and can thank pretty much everyone you've ever met. Which is why I was perplexed when the Biebs seemed to stumble over his thank-yous, shouting out to his younger siblings and explaining to us that he was thanking them because "they are so cute and lovable." It's cool, dude. You don't have to justify thanking your family members to us. Unless this is some kind of Ali Lohan type set-up and this is prep for Bieber the Youngers, and "So Cute and Lovable" is their slogan.

All images courtesy of CTV.

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