Five Reasons Why I'm Watching the Royal Wedding (and Not Ashamed to Say So)

I've been asked several times recently why I plan to get up in the wee hours on Friday and watch the royal wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William.

That's an easy question to answer. We all define escapism differently, and for me, the wedding will provide hours and hours of mindless entertainment (thanks a bunch, U.K. taxpayers!).

Look, we royal wedding types aren't asking you to watch with us. If you want to go about your business and ignore the royal frippery on Friday, that is just fine with us.

But let me at least explain more fully why I will be unable to resist watching the whole thing, from start to finish, just as, the other night, I was sucked into a hour-long Barbara Walters special on the wedding (and why I read this entire list of 50 Things You Should Know About the Royal Wedding). Superman has his Kryptonite, I have royal weddings. It is simply not within my power to resist any of this.

So, by royal decree, here are five reasons I'm watching the wedding:

The Brits Know How to Put On a Good Show
Never mind that the sun has set on the British Empire -- Queen Elizabeth and her minions still know how to put on a production that would gladden the heart of the most extravagant Broadway producer. Some of us happen to enjoy the pageantry and the pomp of these kinds of veddy proper British events, and even if, on an intellectual level, we know we're being manipulated by canny image maestros, well, so what? The first Queen Elizabeth, not to mention Queen Victoria, were so shrewd about image that we're still reading books and watching movies about them hundreds of years later. They knew the value of symbolism and ritual, and the Windsor family and their retainers have hung on to those lessons, despite (or perhaps because of) some rather unfortunate missteps in the last decade or three. Westminster Abbey in full royal regalia and the stiff-upper-lip endurance of Elizabeth herself are proof positive that English culture has produced something of value aside from 'Doctor Who,' the Magna Carta and a wide array of delicious biscuits (I'm partial to McVities Digestives myself -- as is Prince William, apparently).

It's Pure Catnip for a Certain Kind of Anglophile
If you're partial to all things English, royal weddings scratch that itch in a big way. And the fact that a nice, non-aristocratic English girl -- a descendant of coal miners, no less -- snagged the handsome prince makes the event all the more romantic, in a Jane Austen sort of way. Kate Middleton, not unlike an Austen heroine, comes off as a sensible and self-possessed young woman, and it's worth adding that she never sought the public eye but will manage its demands in order to be with the man she loves. As for William, I know he's insanely wealthy and privileged and all that, but he's still someone who lost his mother at an early age and has had to struggle, under the relentless gaze of the media, to define himself and become a responsible adult. Personally, I'd rather watch the wedding of this couple, who, in their own ways, embody the get-on-with-it spirit that Britons are justifiably proud of, than sit through the insulting, formulaic romantic comedies that Hollywood keeps churning out.

It's Reality TV Without the Sordid Stupidity
Everybody knows that Prince Charles' marriage with Diana ended up being an unhappy union for both parties, but it necessarily wasn't dour and depressing on the day they tied the knot. Even if we know that Diana's life turned out to be different from the blissful existence she'd imagined for herself, the wedding was still pretty to watch, and it even had a certain innocence about it. And, as is the case with most reality shows, these weddings involve real, flesh-and-blood people (even if, as is the case with the typical reality shows, most of what occurs is carefully scripted). This isn't just a public spectacle, it's the nuptials of a couple who have been in love for a long time. It matters to them and their families. And for those of us at home, we'll be watching for those human moments (as when Diana fumbled Charles' long list of middle names at the altar), the moments that confirm that William and Kate are, in the words of the celebrity magazine, just like us (only very, very famous).

It's a Costume Drama With Very Expensive Costumes
For those of us who can't resist any movie or miniseries involving frock coats and Empire-waist dresses, the wedding promises to be a feast for the eyes. Uniforms reminiscent of Gilbert & Sullivan, expensive gowns and ridiculous hats are sure to be on display, and frankly, if the William-and-Kate Show is not even a little bit reminiscent of a fancy party on 'Downton Abbey,' I will demand my money back. But seriously, I must admit to a burning desire to see Kate's wedding dress (surely it won't be a Diana-reminiscent fluffy confection, given Kate's up-to-date fashion sense), and the outfits of the guests are sure to start a lot of chatter on my favorite fashion blogs. Agreed, it's frivolous to get lost in a princess-for-a-day fantasy, but please tell me how fantasy baseball isn't frivolous. We each have our thing, and mine happens to involve tiaras.

Mockery
Speaking of the fashion, there will be a lot of upper-class twits and semi-famous celebrities at this shindig; aside from Diana (and even she got it wrong sometimes), these society page types are not necessarily known for their unassailable, forward-thinking sartorial choices. Part of the enjoyment of reality television comes from judging people, and even if Queen Liz is the Helen Mirren of the royal family (I think she's swell no matter what she wears, and I'd kill for one of Liz's boxy handbags), it's open season on everyone else. Come on, English aristocracy -- don't let us down now! Bring on the weird shoes, the clunky dresses and the insane headgear! Give us something to make fun of!

Bonus reason: I heard from a reliable source, i.e., an English person on Twitter, that some U.K. citizens are getting the day off for William and Kate's wedding day. Nobody's advocating the return of a full-on monarchy, but ... a day off! What's not to love about that?


Follow @MoRyan on Twitter.