['The Bachelorette' - 'Season 7, Episode 2']

Paging Kasey Kahl -- we think that Ashley is in serious need of a man who wants to guard and protect her heart, because evil Bentley looks set to sweep her off her feet and straight into the fireplace, and right now, it seems like she's utterly oblivious (or desperate for a ratings boost).

As we reached "Week Two" in 'Bachelorette' land, it soon became apparent that the boys were no longer on their best behavior (if they ever were) and the testosterone poisoning was starting to rear its shaggy, artfully styled head.

Ignoring the fact that Bentley looks like the soulless, perfectly coiffed spawn of Spencer Pratt and Matthew McConaughey, and that "Phantom of the Bachelor Pad" Jeff was lurking in dark corners and stealthily vacuuming, the rest of Ashley's suitors were wasting no time in getting catty, proving that you're never too manly for metaphorical hair pulling.

William endeared himself to approximately no-one (except the chick he's trying to endear himself to, apparently) by coming home from his swanky wedding date and proceeding to brag about it to anyone who would listen, and then he made himself public enemy number one by daring to converse with Ashley at the cocktail party even though he'd already won a rose. The rogue!

After last week, I'll admit, I was firmly on the Will wagon -- he's got that Armie Hammer hot-preppy look going for him and, as with all our favorite bachelors, he comes complete with his own Tragic Past (helicopter sold separately). It was clear that he and Ashley had a lot in common with fathers who both struggled with alcoholism, and Ashley was visibly touched by the story of his stopped watch.


I'm not gonna lie, dinner on the Bellagio Fountain lake was a pretty neat idea (fireworks are so passé) even if the producers obviously had to accost random bystanders and bribe them into pretending they cared about Ashley or knew who she was. Let's face it: No-one who actually watched Brad's season really "loved" Ashley, right? She was always too shrill and tearful for my tastes. I like them embalmy and tearful, like Shawntel. (All Bachelorettes are some variation of tearful, it's a contractual obligation.)

Still, William and Ashley's date was pretty much the weirdest thing ever, no? Were they playing marriage chicken with each other? Clearly, William won that test, and I can't deny that spending a date eating cake is probably my idea of a good time, but the whole concept was fairly surreal, and William looked so bewildered by the whole thing that I didn't really buy his insistence that it was the most romantic date he'd ever been on.

The group date certainly wasn't built for romance so much as public humiliation, as our Bachelorette made her monkeys dance for our amusement, before sending the losing team back to LA and relegating the "winners" to the back of a Jabberwockeez performance where the task was to make themselves look as invisible and inoffensive as possible. But Ashley got to wear another tank top that showed off her abs, and that's what counts.

Later, Ashley defied sanity and good taste by giving bastardly Bentley the group date rose, mostly to make up for huwting his feewings when she gave him the last rose at the elimination ceremony. Of course, Bentley doesn't really have feelings, and this is all some elaborate scheme to prove that he's winning, or something. I can't quite decide if the guy is an evil genius who is so contemptuous of the whole 'Bachelorette' concept that he's determined to compete just to make a mockery of it (if so, mission accomplished) or if he's just evil and wants to win to make himself look cool (if so, mission failed).

Similarly, I can't tell if Ashley is really, genuinely falling for his smarmy shtick or if she just knows that his betrayal and her subsequent meltdown will generate conversation and speculation just like this sentence (damn, I'm playing right into her hands!) -- either way, I have no interest in watching her make gooey eyes at such an unrepentant sleazeball, all the while protesting that she's an excellent judge of character and that she senses Bentley's sincerity.



Ashley also brought Mickey along (sorry, J.P.) on a low-key coin-flipping date, and he revealed his own Tragic Past (TM) and the loss of his mother, which only strengthened the connection between them. Ashley spent a lot of time gushing about how gorgeous Mickey is, and I'm inclined to agree with her assessment -- she seems to have gotten more than her fair share of hotties this season, and I ain't mad about it.

In other news, creepy Jeff almost took his mask off, but was interrupted by another nosy suitor. So. Close.

I'm mostly just amused that the rest of the guys seem determined to act like they have no idea what Jeff looks like, as if he's actually wearing a balaclava and not just a bizarrely thick (and rubber looking) adornment around his eyes. You can still see 80 percent of his face, guys, he's not actually that mysterious! Just really, really odd. But hey, he keeps the house tidy, so why not let him stick around?

We saw three more prospective soulmates kicked to the curb tonight: Matt with the weird eyebrows and the penchant for calling his mother at inappropriate moments, Stephen the hairstylist with the fairly tragic hair, and cute Ryan M. with a taste for pastel shirts. Alas, we hardly knew ye.

Next week, the Bentley drama allegedly comes to a head -- and not a moment too soon.

'The Bachelorette' airs Mondays at 8PM ET on ABC.

Follow Laura on Twitter: @LauinLA