Welcome back, 'Bachelorette' fans! I hope you all were as thrilled with last night's episode as I was, because it's not every day you get to sit through two hours of contrived drama. AOL TV has graciously asked me, Lincee Ray, to provide my top five moments and I just can't seem to choose.

I KNOW -- I'll flip for it!



Heads: Preparing for a fake wedding and almost getting married
Tails: Choreographing and "performing" hip hop in front of thousands of people in Vegas

Heads: Consoling Bachelors with deceased spouses or parents
Tails: Coming THIS CLOSE to the removal of an infamous Phantom mask only to be interrupted before the GREAT REVEAL

It's only the second episode and I have a sinking suspicion that ABC is officially phoning in this season of our favorite reality show we love to hate. However, there are a few diehard fans who are convinced this is the best season yet.

So for all of you, here are five (fake) interesting letters (all fake) the network received just this week (not really) ... read 'em and weep!

Dear Zorro,

Thank you so much for pimping out our complimentary sleep masks. We thought it was a little special that you put it over your artistic swirly one as Our Host Chris Harrison explained the never-changing one-on-one/group date rules, but we got over it. Any publicity is good publicity.

Keep flying high,
Southwest Airlines
***

Dear Bentley,

I'm starting this club and I'd like for you to be the Sergeant At Arms. You'll need a guitar, a few tattoos in interesting locations and I'm going to have to ask you to exchange the Seattle grunge flannel for a traditional pearl snap. Together, we can do great things.

You know what they say,
Wes Hayden

***

Dear Ashley,

Okay, so you are just super sweet, and tiny, and cute, and an adorable pocket person and I think it's so wonderful that you are the Bachelorette. I noticed in your opening montage last week that you were dancing on an empty stage and then with some young teens in your community. And then this week you were hip hopping with a crew in Vegas. Not only did you not dance with your heart, but you sort of messed up in the first eight count. BTW, dancing is and will always be my thing on the show.

LYLAS!
Tenley
* * *

Oh Mickey,

Thank you so much for attempting to convince America that you know who I am. I appreciate the utter shock that quickly contorted into panic followed by a blatant blank stare. Thanks for not calling me Natasha Bedingfield or "that chick who sang at the royal wedding." In return, I promise not to tell you that you are so fine, so fine you blow my mind.

My album drops tomorrow,
Colbie Caillat

* * *

Dear Josh Groban look-alike Stephen,

Your hair is flawless. Your teeth are impeccable. Your nose is straight and narrow. Your eyes are focused and you're about the right height. I really need a celebrity decoy, and since you're not doing anything now that Ashley gave you the boot, I'd love to hire you. I've been told that due to my brief stint on 'Glee,' the children of America have decided to slime me on the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards. I'm told I should consider this an honor. Unfortunately, I'll be in Piedmont, North Dakota, that weekend doing a charity auction with Kelly Ripa. You'd really raise me up if you could stand in my place.

Anxiously waiting your response,
The real Josh Groban

***

Have your own letter for one of the ridiculous 'Bachelorette' contestants? Share in the comments, please.

Lincee Ray works in the oil and gas business in Houston, Texas. She has been recapping The Bachelor for seven years. In her spare time she enjoys frolicking on the beach in her bikini and drinking Dr Pepper. To read her entire season seven recap, go to www.iHateGreenBeans.com.