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'The Bachelorette': Top 5 Things More Intriguing Than This Week's Episode

by Lincee Ray, posted Jul 19th 2011 1:45AM
The BacheloretteHow boring was this week's episode of 'The Bachelorette'? Come on! It's the hometown dates for crying out loud! Where are the stuffed squirrels in the basement? Why didn't anyone want to bury a dead bird in the back yard? How could there NOT be a father toting some sort of firearm in his man cave?

These families were warm, loving and even ... normal. Ashley's wardrobe was the most dysfunctional part of the entire show, and that wasn't even all that bad if you're not counting the rose ceremony dress.

Needless to say, I knew coming up with an entire recap -- let alone my weekly Top 5 list for AOL TV -- was going to a challenge. So I decided to take a bold approach:

TOP 5 THINGS I FIND MORE INTRIGUING THAN THIS WEEK'S 'BACHELORETTE'!

1. Watching paint dry
Greek Groban takes Ashley to the family restaurant where he puts her to work making pizza and waitressing. Later, she meets everyone he's related to and they are loud and noisy and carry dogs and/or babies around. The father is a great big muffin and I love the dude who tossed singles in Ashley's direction when she was dancing. The most exciting part was noticing that one girl's headband and typing in a description in Google in hopes to find one just like it on Amazon.com or Target.

2. Digging around for fuzz in my belly button
Precious Ames dresses like a gangster lumberjack with a flannel shirt and his light blue boxers showing in more than one shot of his date. He's so fly. He lives on a plantation with magnolia trees, horses and indoor swimming pools. He has a protective sister, a doting mother, a huge vocabulary and a few horsemen wearing full-on powdered wigs and Colonial garb who carry him around the estate in a carriage when he's feeling particularly jaunty. I may have dozed off on the tour of the back 40 acres.

3. Watching my friend Mary lactate
Other Groban couldn't really go wrong on his date since he owns his own vineyard. And the fact that he became emotional when talking about his father was the sweetest thing. Is this riveting television? The answer is a resounding no. Instead of tasting "young" vintages from wine barrels, perhaps they should have cracked open an ice cold Coors Light from the secret refrigerator in the garage that my grandmother knows nothing about. Is that just my parents' home? Whatever. My point is that scandalous behavior brings in the ratings. (See: Bentley.)

4. Waiting for water to boil
I give JP props for having the guts to take Ashley to the roller rink. It was a couples only skate and he had the opportunity to take full advantage of both the disco ball and the poignant lyrics by the one and only REO Speedwagon. This date had such high potential for me. Sadly, they didn't put their right hand in, or their right hand out and shake it all about. They didn't even shoot the duck once. Then JP falls skating backwards. Oh look! An action sequence!

5. Defragging my computer
Considering the girl consciously wears backless blouses yet forgets to wear a bra, Ashely's wardrobe was pretty low key. I understand that there is an impression to make with families and she certainly played it safe in tight jeans, tank tops and matronly cardigans. Once we arrived at the rose ceremony and I pulled my eyes away from Harrison's hot mess of a tie, I realized that Ashely returned to her micro mini roots and surprisingly didn't look all that bad. Then she turned around and we were thrust back in to some Madonna video from the '80s.

Suddenly, all is right with the world again.

Lincee Ray works in the oil and gas business in Houston, Texas. She has been recapping The Bachelor for seven years. In her spare time she enjoys frolicking on the beach in her bikini and drinking Dr Pepper. To read her entire season seven recap, go to www.iHateGreenBeans.com.

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