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October 25, 2014

'Bachelor Pad' - Top 5 Awkward Moments in Episode 4

by Laura Prudom, posted Aug 30th 2011 6:30AM
Blake and Melissa - Bachelor PadHave you ever wanted to know what someone looks like when they're having a mental breakdown on national television? If so, you probably owe Melissa a muffin basket for sating your curiosity on this week's 'Bachelor Pad.'

The kooky blonde has been slowly unraveling for the past few weeks, but her cray-cray behavior (behay-hay?) finally reached its boiling point in the latest episode, after she had at least three very public meltdowns at/because of Blake.

As a result, I'm switching things up in this week's recap, and instead of choosing the top five most awkward moments, I'm going to come right out and name the top five most awkward people instead. (Okay, Melissa was so cringeworthy that I may have chosen her twice, so sue me.)

1. Melissa
Where to begin? The trouble started (as it inevitably does) with this week's super tacky kissing contest, in which Blake acted like a total man-ho in order to win (more on him in a minute), and Melissa took it as an incontrovertible sign that the two of them were In Love. But alas, this is 'Bachelor Pad,' and a game of tonsil hockey does not equal a lifetime commitment, a concept that Melissa has apparently struggled with from the get-go.

So, instead of, y'know, remembering that this is a game in which the goal is to win $250,000, she flipped out at Blake for daring to even consider breaking their partnership by taking someone else on a date, and then, when he actually did choose someone else, she flipped out again, in front of everyone, and stormed off in a tearful huff. (Or she "lost it like Mount St. Helen," as Blake the expert volcanologist would say.)

I had to laugh at her stern, teacherly tone when she asked Blake to explain himself in front of the other contestants, but she lost me when she began weeping and declaring "He promised me the world!" like a gold-digger cut off from her inheritance. Did he really, Melissa, or did he just kiss you and pretend to be interested in what you had to say that one time? (Is it just me, or does she remind anyone else of one of those shivery greyhounds that always look starved and bedraggled and kind of depressing? Someone get her a Snuggie!)

2. Blake
It's said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, and if that's the case, Blake is by far the most insane person in the history of the 'Bachelor' franchise (a lofty claim, I'm aware). Instead of just ... I don't know, being honest with his imbalanced stalker girlfriend in order to let her down gently, he first tried to placate Melissa, just to delay her inevitable meltdown, and then acted surprised that when he went back on his word, she didn't take it too well.

Blake may think he's talking a good game by manipulating all of these "emotional" women (he really puts the "sex" in sexism, doesn't he?) but in reality, he's making enemies of just about everyone, from poor, lovelorn Michael who got all caveman over Blake giving Holly a tonsillectomy (no, really, he actually said "I'm going to do a tonsillectomy today ... the doctor is in," complete with an awkward leer -- it was fairly repulsive) to sympathetic Michelle who warned him not to toy with Crazy Melissa's emotions. And after the preview for next week's episode, I'm sure he's going to end up burning his bridges with both Erica and Holly too. He's a smart cookie, our Blake.

I'm really not getting what Holly sees in him (aside from his shiny, spokesmodel-white teeth) and the fact that he uses terrible, terrible lines like "I'd probably have to re-examine the evidence before I could make a sound decision," as a way of getting her to kiss him should be grounds for dismissal alone. And then, to compound matters, he actually accepted a massage from the walking STD that is Erica, someone who unironically talks like Paris Hilton and seems just as determined to get a sex tape out of someone before she's eliminated.

3. Erica
Speaking of which, it's good to know that even though Jake and Melissa are gone, the craziness lives on through a certain tiara-wearing wannabe porn star princess, who used the week's contest as an excuse to once again brag about her well-maintained lips and her unparalleled kissing technique (which Kirk declared "sloppy," oops). Sadly for Blake, just as he gets rid of one clingy blonde, a new one seems poised to crawl out of the woodwork and sink her fangs into him, and if he's really that shallow, he deserves whatever retribution is coming down the pike for him next week. I was also mildly disturbed by Erica's obsessive desire to make out with Ella during the credits this week (I guess the producers thought that Jeff creeping round the house and kissing people in their sleep would be a tad tasteless?).

4. Michael (and Holly)
Sure, the ongoing Michael/Holly saga is awkward as hell, what with Michael staring pensively into the fire (a 'Bachelor' staple) and drifting aimlessly around the house at 2AM waiting for Holly to return home from her date, but he also legitimately brought a tear to my eye this week (so really, I'm the awkward one) thanks to his romantic devotion to his ex. Maybe it's because he looks vaguely like James Marsden's less-attractive-but-still-kind-of-swoonworthy brother, or maybe it's because he's being so open with his feelings even while Holly plays it cool, but I kind of adore the guy.

Holly, meanwhile, is making many questionable life choices by falling for Blake, given all we've seen of the guy up to this point, and by playing coy with crazypants Melissa and acting like she totally doesn't want to hump Melissa's imaginary boyfriend, even after all of the girls witnessed her sucking his face off in the contest. I totally respect that she wants to reel in the other fish in the sea after Michael broke her heart, but seriously, Blake? The cheesy pick-up lines alone ... Methinks she'll see the error of her ways soon enough.

5. Melissa (again)
Oh yes, I wasn't kidding about the two entries thing (although she only narrowly beat out Kasey's bad breath). Everyone seemed to be heeding Jake's advice about eliminating the bickering, double-headed Hydra that is Vienna and Kasey this week, but Melissa's repeated psychotic breaks apparently convinced them that she was somehow more annoying than they were. Way to go, Melissa, now everyone loses! (I firmly believe that every week Vienna and Kasey are allowed to still be on my TV screen, God kills a kitten.)

Her last, and most impressive meltdown came when Melissa caught wind of everyone deciding to vote her out and then lying about it to her face, since she went around incessantly asking everyone whether they voted for her and demanding that they ... not vote for her. Because that always works. She grew increasingly more shrill and tearful the more the guys reassured her, resulting in Graham all but scurrying away from her and Kasey voicing heartfelt concern for the safety of his balls. She surprisingly didn't make any grand declarations as Jake did when he exited, but she did burst into tears in the limo (shocker) lamenting her broken heart. I'm sure that in her head, she and Blake are already married with eight kids by now so, obviously, her pain was completely reasonable.

On the other side of the coin, Kirk and Ella's date was totally adorable -- s'mores, pizza, kissing in a glow-in-the-dark hot air balloon, these are the things that reality dating shows are made of! Kirk won super bonus points by admitting that Ella deserves the money most, given her meaningful cause -- I'm inclined to agree.

'Bachelor Pad' airs Mondays, 8PM ET on ABC.

Who did you think was the most awkward contestant last night?

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